9 New Clones That Orphan Black Needs Right Now

By Leslie Gornstein in Daily Lists, Nerdery, TV
Friday, June 20, 2014 at 5:47 am

BBC America

Can a ragingly popular TV series with a genius of a star jump the shark in its sophomore season? Tragic case in point: Orphan Black, a darkly campy rabbit hole featuring Tatiana Maslany as a revolving array of clones. In season one, the brilliance of the show lay not only in Maslany's interpretation of her characters -- an uptight scrapbooker clone, a short-lived Teutonic raver clone -- but the show's awareness of its innate camp factor. Nothing was funnier than watching one clone pretending to be another clone -- badly -- and the show runners knew it.

But the sophomore season, which concludes June 21, seems to have forgotten itself. Instead of drawing on its strengths, the show has sunk into a quagmire of textbook melodrama: Siobhan, foster mom of reformed drug-runner clone Sarah, is now evil, unless she's not, unless she totally is. Cosima, the rock-and-roll lesbian scientist clone, is dying, you guys! And somebody kidnapped Kira, Sarah's dimpled wooden ventriloquist dummy of a daughter. Was it the scheming religious cult, or scheming scientific cult? Do we know? Does it matter?

The obvious conclusion: NEEDS MOAR CLONES. Here are a few suggestions for additional Tatianas that would serve two purposes: (1) Giving Maslany more stuff to do, of course, and (2) providing us with solid conformation that, artistically, at least, the show is beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel.

The only question remaining: Which of the show's clones will get the honor of climbing onto a motorcycle and leaping over a killer fish. Will it be...

1. The Glamorous Ex-Supermodel Clone.


Whoever she is, she can't be a current supermodel. Current supermodels are too busy to fight shadowy cabals, see. No, she must be a former top clotheshorse, preferably one who has graduated from a prestigious modeling school.

Think Julie from Charlie's Angels, presented in the final season in a failed effort to save the jigglevision franchise. Come to think of it, we have yet to see a redheaded clone on Orphan Black. This could work out well.

2. The Sassy Precocious Junior Clone.


OK, fine: Maslany lacks the necessary baby face to pull of a little sister clone. But that's what digital effects are for. Bring on the equivalent of l'il pixie Raven-Symone introduced in The Cosby Show's 6th season, or Alyssa Milano's little-sister character on Melrose Place, or the flaxen blond Cousin Oliver, recruited by the Brady family in the desperate moments after Cindy's brain grew a frontal lobe.

Introducing the cousin-Skipper equivalent of Maslany could introduce some fun new teen hijinks, or at least allow Sarah to find a cheap babysitter for Kira.

3. The Clone From a Place You Didn't Know Existed Until This Episode.


When you've run out of clones stemming from the scientists at the Dyad Institute, don't despair. Just make up another Institute. Call it the Schmyad Institute. Call it Krypton.

The show runners for Lost know this tactic well; just when we were getting sick of Sawyer's antics in season 2, boom! Meet the tailies! You know, the tailies? The people from that other part of the plane? Well, you know now.

4. The Romantic Replacement Clone.


You can't not have romance on a show like this. People must love and lose. If Cosima dies, who will enjoy sexy times with her seductive French lab mate?

Well, here's your answer: Another Cosima who's not Cosima. We're talking - if you'll allow a Cheers reference - Shelley Long redux, by way of Kirstie Alley. The new clone would pretty much be Cosima all over again. But the producers could maybe change her hair color or something. Boom. Done. Onward. Not to be confused with ...

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