Welcome back, folks. I hope you had a tragic weekend, full of self-loathing and misery after reading the Pokémon story that you all demanded and that I tried so valiantly not to show you. I hope that will teach you that some things only Daddy touch, okay? There's a ton of stuff to get through today, but let's start with a little live-action Donkey Kong made entirely of post-it notes. It's quite impressive, not least of which because I had no idea they made brown post-its. (Via I Heart Chaos)
I know I'm supposed to be off, but it's the fourth of July and Gorilla Mask linked to this, and I just couldn't not post it. Happy Independence Day, American-type people.
I had planned to end my day with the dreaded Pokémon story, leaving it at the top of Topless Robot all weekend to punish you bastards for your hubris, but I just can't. Not all of you begged me to run it, and you don't deserve to see the pic of the pre-festivities Gardevoir all holiday weekend. So here's one of my favorite videos of all time, now in the least shitty quality I've ever seen.
This is the legendary Daicon IV animation, a short anime for a Japanese sci-fi con from 1984. It's a sequel to the anime short from the Daicon 3 con (which gets recapped in the very beginning), and is set to the awesome E.L.O. song "Twilight" (from their album Time, which is absolutely phenomenal). Even if you're not an anime fan, if you have any desire to see a girl in a bunny outfit kick the ass of virtually every sci-fi franchise up through 1983, I think you'll enjoy it. Believe it or not, it's all fan-made... although those fan very shortly got together to form an anime studio called Gainax.
I hope it helps ease the pain for some of you. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you back here on Monday.
You asked for it. When you're done reading, and you realize that everything you thought was potentially good in life was a lie, please remember, this is your own fault. You bastards are the ones who begged and demanded me to run this. I didn't want to. You made me. In fact, this story is so horrible that I'm not even going to comment on it, because that would require me re-reading it. You get it complete and unadulterated by my comedy. And then you can try and pick up the pieces of your ruined weekend and shattered life. The story is called "rectified anonymity" and it is by author David Garrett. One final warning -- if last week's story of Luke and Leia and Han pooping and fucking and killing themselves made you at all uncomfortable, do not read this. I'm utterly serious. This is quantifiably 100 times worse, because it's written in utter seriousness.
And so it begins.
Rain spattered across the sand, causing a deafening roar, like that of
a hundred semis crashing into each other in apocalyptic glory. The
crack of thunder split the insanity, and wind swept it up into a
cacophony of natural horror. All the while David sat glumly, shielding
himself from the gale beneath a rather large tree. He was soaked to the
bone and miserable. Lost in Kanto, with no map, no pokedex, no food,
and no company other than his beloved pokemon. He was sure he'd die of
hypothermia or worse.
David sighed, clinging tightly to his umbrella which proved of little
worth except for some sort of moral booster. His soaked blond hair
clung tightly to his body. With an absent hand he fondled the pokeballs
on his lap. He clicked the switch on the front, releasing Gardevoir, to
stand beside him.
"Garde..?" she whispered to him soothingly.
"No, I'm fine Gardevoir. I just wanted some to be with," he replied,
barely audible to the young pokemon above the ripping winds. A shallow
tear formed on the rim of his red eyes but was blotted out the rest of
the water that coagulated on everything within sight.
She patted his shoulder. She was so cute, even for a pokemon. Her thin
hips swayed, her plant-like hair messed by the storm. No, no, what are
you doing, he thought. She's an animal.
But yet she was so much like a human, only smaller, and covered in
fauna. Plus there was no one around for miles, and no amount of
masturbating could satiate the lust he felt out in the wilderness... if
only he could feel the flesh of a woman against his.
He put a loving arm around his Gardevoir, pulling her close and
whispered; "Gardevoir, you know that I'm your trainer, right? Your
master?"
"Gard," she nodded in agreement. He nodded in return.
"And would you do anything for me?"
"Garde," she nodded again. He moved another hand to her, sliding it
over her wasp waist and looking carefully into her eyes. She seemed to
begin to understand, a look of fear welled in her eyes. David could
feel a lump in his pants swell as he began to force her upon the soaked
ground. The sky rumbled with thunder all around them, the tree above
them creaked threateningly.
The best thing about a pokemon is that they'll never be able to tell anyone about it.
The rest continues after the jump. And you have no one to blame but yourselves.
I don't who this Aussie lass is, because she's apparently got quite the following on YouTube and I very much hope it's because she's genuinely clever and funny and not because she's an attractive 15-year-old Asian girl whose very nerdy and goes to cons and does Battlestar Galactica cosplay and oh god, what hell have I unleashed by posting this here? Look, if you have something awful and depraved to say, please just keep it to yourself -- I'm posting the Pokémon story at 2pm, and I really, really can't handle any more inappropriate sexual behavior right now, okay? Please. Please.
It's one of those times where I have no words; just watch and let the awesomeness wash over you. I can tell you that this thing actually ran in Montreal, Canada, and that at some point this summer the Cobra troupe will be putting on something called Cobra III: Returns of the King... of Kings which just blows my mind. You can see more pics here and you should. You definitely should. (Via Great White Snark)
The entirety of "Thriller" re-enacted with Legos. And I mean the entirety -- all 13 minutes of it. Hell, the guy even includes the warning in the front from Michael Jackson where he promises that he doesn't believe in the occult despite his crazy zombie music video, which I totally forgot about. Fast-forward to 8:30 if you want to get to the dancin'. (Via Comic Alliance)
The Ghostbusters trailer re-edited to make Winston Zeddemore the star? Yes, please. This trailer has been paid for by the Committee to Remind You that Ernie Hudson Is Pretty Awesome, Man. (Via I Heart Chaos)
Oh no, that's not my opinion. It's actually the title of this insane and pretty freaking awesome fan flick found by Bam Kapow. Is it actually the greatest fan film of all time? Well, I'm not sure, but it is 45 minutes long, which is very impressive even if it's all done in flash animation. Plus, although it starts out kind of slow -- like preposterously slow, thanks to a Superman original prologue and lengthy credit sequence, and then becomes just kind of slow while centered at a mass superhero party for about 10 minutes -- if you can get past that, and make it to the 15:00-minute mark, you will be treated to 30 minutes of pure fan awesomeness. I really don't want to spoil anything, because it's that good, but I will tell you this -- at one point, the Power Rangers' MegaZord and Voltron combine to form an even bigger robot... whiich fights Galactus. Oh, and stay until the end to see exactly what Captain America thinks about Cher. It's well worth the time investment, I promise. Thanks to Dizz and everyone else who sent me the link for the tip.
Shoes are pretty cool. A lot of cool artists design sneakers, and limited edition shoes can go for hundreds or thousands of dollars to hipsters and art freaks and so forth. So I very much understand why Wizards of the Coast is launching a "Design the first D&D shoe" competition, along with shoemaker RYZ. Basically, you download a template, draw whatever you want -- I imagine that's likely a fighter-mage elf chicks with large breasts, but that's just a guess -- and if your design is chosen, you win $1000 and you never, ever get to pretend you're anything approaching cool ever again. Because you designed a goddamn Dungeons & Dragons shoe.
The contest has just started, and you can enter here. Meanwhile, the real tragedy is that these demo shoes that Wizards mocked up for the contest, shown here, are so awful they're actually kind of awesome, and I would actually consider buying them and wearing them. But I just know the instant I put them on, some 15-year-old bullies would come around the corner and beat me up and take my lunch money -- a scenario that's going to come standard with the shoes. Hell, they might as well market them as Cursed Shoes of Beatings and Thievery, because ain't no one keeping their lunch money with these things on. (Via Geek Orthodox)
I need to do a touch more work on the Zombie Haiku winners, so please enjoy this amazing music video of He-Man cartoon footage set to "Beware the Circling Fin" by Early Man. Get past the lengthy guitar intro, and you'll be in for quite a treat -- the whole thing makes the impossibly tame He-Man cartoon look like the most metal thing ever, which is no mean feat. Thanks to Tanner for the tip.
This is my last Transformers 2 post unless something insane and/or newsworthy happens. Swear to god. You can read about the making of the clip here; it's pretty funny. Also, the Zombie Haiku winners will be announced tomorrow morning; sorry, but that was a lot of haiku.
Back to TF2 and Topless Robot's twisted fate, I'd like to say thanks to: 1) everyone who complemented me on my TF2 FAQ, 2) everyone who liked the movie but didn't feel compelled to tell me to go fuck myself for disliking it, and 3) everyone who defended my honor from the mean, Bay-loving people who arrived at TR en masse and got so bizarrely, personally offended when I pointed out certain inconsistencies regarding the film's plot. You are awesome people, and it's all been very much appreciated.
To the rest of you, I would like to point out that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen made $387 million bucks despite the mean things I said about it last Friday. I think you can settle down now.
Goddamn it. From wherever WENN ripped it off from:
The British boy who was flown to New York to meet Megan Fox after she accidentally shunned him in London has been snubbed by the star again - he missed the planned meeting with her.
Harvey Kindlon, 11, was snapped as he attempted to give Fox a yellow rose at the London premiere of the Transformers sequel earlier this month.
The youngster was thwarted as paparazzi flashbulbs blinded the actress and she failed to spot him. Fox subsequently apologised to the boy and bosses at camera giant Kodak offered a $5,000 (£3,300) reward to anybody who could track the boy down.
Once Kindlon had been identified, Kodak bosses then flew him to New York to meet the actress while she was in town to record an appearance on U.S. TV programme the Today Show on Friday.
But Fox's appearance was scrapped after the sudden death of Michael Jackson on Thursday - and the star flew back to Los Angeles without meeting her young fan.
A source tells New York Post gossip column PageSix, "Kodak basically put this kid on a plane on the off-chance that he'd get to meet her. They never even confirmed with 'Today.' Now they're offering him around for interviews. It's exploitative and creepy."
While a representative for the Today Show adds, "Harvey was never scheduled to appear and we don't plan to have him on."
IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THIS WORLD? A creepy kid just wants to give one of the most popular actresses in the world a yellow rose. Given Fox's previous statements, I doubt she had any idea Kodak was flying the kid in that night or anything. This is Kodak's fault, totally. Kodak, you make this right. YOU MAKE THIS RIGHT, GODDAMN IT.
