By Zach Oat
With their agrarian, conflict-free society, Smurfs represent everything that is good and positive in the world. But, perhaps because they were created by a Frenchman, they have their dark side as well. Whether they’re adopting less-than-desirable human tendencies or simply overlooking the ailments in their own society, the Smurfs are no angels, and that dichotomy can make us a little uneasy. But thanks to rigidly defined jobs and highly descriptive names, it’s easy to find the Smurfs that bring out the uneasiness in all of us! To celebrate the Smurfs' recent 50th anniversary, here are ten that freak us out the most.
10) Tracker Smurf
Smurfs are vegetarians. So if he’s not tracking animals, what is Tracker Smurf tracking, exactly? Does he hunt escaped Smurf fugitives, like some kind of Smurf Tommy Lee Jones? Or does he stalk teenage Smurf victims, whom he disembowels and hangs upside-down in his barn? Either way, no one can hide from Tracker Smurf; if he can track a falcon on a smurfy day, then he can find you.
9) Techno Smurf
Sometimes it seems like Smurfs only know one song, that grating “la la la-la-la-la” tune with no words. But Techno Smurf knows hundreds of songs, even if they do all sound alike. Not to be confused with Hip-Hop Smurf or Backstreet Smurf, Techno has been to dancehalls in all the big cities, and realized that the best place to hold a rave is in Smurf Village, where the houses are giant mushrooms. Sadly, Smurf-sized pacifiers are hard to come by and Handy Smurf is still working on glow-stick technology.
8) Hefty Smurf
To be fair, there is nothing outright unsettling about Hefty Smurf himself—he obviously works out a lot, but it’s probably a bid to gain the attention of Smurfette, or perhaps Jokey Smurf. (Hey, don’t ask, don’t smurf.) However, it must be pointed out that he has hearts tattooed on both arms. Which means that somewhere in Smurf Village, there is a Tattoo Artist Smurf. That, or he got them in prison.
7) Sneezy Smurf
Aside from being ripe for a lawsuit from the Disney Corporation, Sneezy seems to be perpetually sick with the flu, and no amount of Smurf Airborne will help. Is this some kind of superbug, tearing through the Smurf population? Can humans catch it? If it can give a magical blue pixie a 24-hour runny nose, imagine what it can do to us. When Sneezy changes his name to Coughing-Up-Blood Smurf, we recommend quarantine.
6) King Smurf
Papa Smurf always ruled the Smurfs simply because he was the oldest and wisest and he had a red hat. But god forbid he leaves town for a few days, because Smurfs look for any excuse to hold a free and fair election. And once elected, this guy immediately declared himself king, built a wall around Smurf Village and threw Jokey in jail. The rebels were ready to behead him when Papa came back and set everything right, but somewhere out there, King Smurf is living under a different name, waiting for the key moment to rise to power again.