The 10 Most Disturbing Smurfs
Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 25, 2008
By Zach Oat
With their agrarian, conflict-free society, Smurfs represent everything that is good and positive in the world. But, perhaps because they were created by a Frenchman, they have their dark side as well. Whether they’re adopting less-than-desirable human tendencies or simply overlooking the ailments in their own society, the Smurfs are no angels, and that dichotomy can make us a little uneasy. But thanks to rigidly defined jobs and highly descriptive names, it’s easy to find the Smurfs that bring out the uneasiness in all of us! To celebrate the Smurfs' recent 50th anniversary, here are ten that freak us out the most.
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10) Tracker Smurf
Smurfs are vegetarians. So if he’s not tracking animals, what is Tracker Smurf tracking, exactly? Does he hunt escaped Smurf fugitives, like some kind of Smurf Tommy Lee Jones? Or does he stalk teenage Smurf victims, whom he disembowels and hangs upside-down in his barn? Either way, no one can hide from Tracker Smurf; if he can track a falcon on a smurfy day, then he can find you.
9) Techno Smurf
Sometimes it seems like Smurfs only know one song, that grating “la la la-la-la-la” tune with no words. But Techno Smurf knows hundreds of songs, even if they do all sound alike. Not to be confused with Hip-Hop Smurf or Backstreet Smurf, Techno has been to dancehalls in all the big cities, and realized that the best place to hold a rave is in Smurf Village, where the houses are giant mushrooms. Sadly, Smurf-sized pacifiers are hard to come by and Handy Smurf is still working on glow-stick technology.
8) Hefty Smurf
To be fair, there is nothing outright unsettling about Hefty Smurf himself—he obviously works out a lot, but it’s probably a bid to gain the attention of Smurfette, or perhaps Jokey Smurf. (Hey, don’t ask, don’t smurf.) However, it must be pointed out that he has hearts tattooed on both arms. Which means that somewhere in Smurf Village, there is a Tattoo Artist Smurf. That, or he got them in prison.
7) Sneezy Smurf
Aside from being ripe for a lawsuit from the Disney Corporation, Sneezy seems to be perpetually sick with the flu, and no amount of Smurf Airborne will help. Is this some kind of superbug, tearing through the Smurf population? Can humans catch it? If it can give a magical blue pixie a 24-hour runny nose, imagine what it can do to us. When Sneezy changes his name to Coughing-Up-Blood Smurf, we recommend quarantine.
6) King Smurf
Papa Smurf always ruled the Smurfs simply because he was the oldest and wisest and he had a red hat. But god forbid he leaves town for a few days, because Smurfs look for any excuse to hold a free and fair election. And once elected, this guy immediately declared himself king, built a wall around Smurf Village and threw Jokey in jail. The rebels were ready to behead him when Papa came back and set everything right, but somewhere out there, King Smurf is living under a different name, waiting for the key moment to rise to power again.
Comments
"Sadly, Smurf-sized pacifiers are hard to come by and Handy Smurf is still working on glow-stick technology."
ha
Posted 01/25/2008 at 10:47:43 AMSmurfette has got to be the worst smurf though. If you've ever watched Donny Darko, they theorize that all the younger smurfs gangbang smurfette while papa smurf jerks off in the corner. I think that's probably what happened with the smurfs off camera.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 12:43:18 PMI saw the episode in question (in German, too!), and I'm pretty sure King Smurf was actually Brainy Smurf, but Papa Smurf was away so he created a dictatorship
Posted 01/25/2008 at 12:54:17 PMThis is retarded. Black color has been used for Evil without any link to black ppl. Black Sheep, Black Magic, etc... There is no racism in that smurf cartoon. Communism, maybe, but no racism.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 12:56:33 PMThe creator was Beglian, not French.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 12:57:15 PMThis is just scratching the surface. Check out the 25 Smurfs Papa Didn't Mention Much for more smurfedey goodness.
25 Smurfs Papa Didn't Mention Much
Posted 01/25/2008 at 01:04:20 PMBlack Smurfs hang out in the alleys and sell drugs in my neighbourhood.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 01:09:44 PMDev Null: He didn't say the creator was french, he referenced the french comic.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 01:14:07 PMWild Smurf fits much of the typical profile for being the local shaman. In other words, don't piss him off, because he can turn you black without touching you, let alone biting your ass.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 02:21:29 PMeverytime someone spread this FUD about silly things being racist... i wanna call them how they deserve.
You moron son of a bitch.
Here. Done. Have a good day.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 02:55:39 PMThere's not an ounce of racism in that cartoon - it's simply your massive distortion that you're clearly attempting to project onto others. It's people like you who facilitate racism by suggesting such absurdities.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 02:56:46 PMFirst of all: Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette - Gargamel did! She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gangbang scenario - Huh! I - it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual, th-they don't even have...reproductive organs under those little...white...pants. That's what's so illogical, y'know, about being a Smurf. Y'know what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?
Posted 01/25/2008 at 08:03:00 PMI have a copy of the comic featuring King Smurf. It's one of my prize possessions. Firstly, it's not Brainy who gets elected to the position, but Smurfy Smurf. Dude. His name is "Smurfy Smurf". Classic. In the beginning there's no need for a leader, but Brainy insists that he should be leader, which necessitates an election (and may be why the previous poster got confused).
Secondly, this post doesn't do the brilliance of the King Smurf comic justice. King Smurf truly goes out of control. He asks the smurfs to build him a castle, and when they resist, he recruits Hefty and Handy to work as his enforcers. They wield nasty-looking halberds. There are panels showing overseer smurfs whipping the poor smurfs who are building King Smurf's castle. It's amazing. Smurfette mounts a resistance from a secret base in the woods. They wear masks ... which is ridiculous, since it's Smurfette. And at night they sabotage the construction of King Smurf's castle. Eventually the whole thing devolves in open civil war...
Luckily, Papa Smurf returns JUST THEN, just in time to avoid bloodshed.
Awesome.
Posted 01/25/2008 at 09:00:51 PMI'm black. I've never bitten anyone on the ass to make make them black! Except my girlfriend and she's black already!
Posted 01/25/2008 at 09:40:19 PMHeh, black smurf :)
Posted 01/26/2008 at 02:09:18 AMI was amazed that their was criticism (constructive or otherwise) on this article.
Anyhoo, this was funny stuff! As intended!
Here. Done. Have a good day.
Posted 01/26/2008 at 02:52:45 AMWhats even more disturbing is all the people who take cartoons way too serious. Its not real folks. I saw bugs bunny dressed as a female but that doesn't make Mel Blanc a trani!
Posted 01/26/2008 at 07:57:21 AMthose black Smurfs are some GNAPY headed hoes
Posted 01/27/2008 at 09:52:50 PMGod some people see racism everywhere... seriously chill out dude.
Posted 01/28/2008 at 10:59:29 AMthere is no techno smurf. that is slouchy smurf, and he is 1 of the 3 smurflings who were created when their older selves got stuck in fathertime's grandfather clock and it went backwards so they came out young. YOU DUMBASS!!!!!!
Posted 04/22/2008 at 12:05:03 AM