By Rob Bricken and John Frusciante

The fourth season of Lost premieres tonight, and we couldn’t be more exciting; for three seasons now, we’ve thrilled to all the castaways and the mysterious goings-on and general mind-fuckery that rules the hit show. But during the lengthy break, we also started thinking that most of the Lost characters are, well…kind of jerks. Assholes, really. And yet, we love to watch them. So without further ado, refresh your Lost memories with this trip down douchebag lane.

24) Jacob

Jacob is the mysterious leader of the Others, and possibly a ghost. Either way, he still acts like a cranky old man having a temper tantrum, shaking shit and making noise and telling the kids to get off his damn lawn. Just go to bed, old man!

23) Hurley

Hurley’s nice, but Hurley’s fat. When food was parachuted onto the island by a mysterious plane, Hurley hoarded some so he could stay fat. No one on the Lost island is starving, which is why he’s low on this list, but he did eat a whole jar of marshmallow fluff using his hand. Gross.

22) Charlie

Congratulations, Charlie! You’re the first person to ever be stranded on a desert island, have a heroin freak-out, punch an old man and try to throw a baby into the ocean. And they said it couldn’t be done!

21) Richard Alpert

Anyone who doesn’t age and isn’t a Muppet is an asshole in our book. Plus, he led a purge against a peaceful, shark-studying group of hippies, which is kind of funny, but not very nice.

20) Desmond

Hey, don’t get us wrong—we love Desmond, he’s a pretty nice guy. But he still ends up mind-fucking somebody every time he tells the future, usually leading to tragedy and/or death, Look, you moron—just shut the fuck up, okay? There plenty of other things on the island willing to kill people; they don’t need your help.

19) Michael

Michael betrayed all his friends on the island by killing two of them and freeing the evil mind-fucker Ben. Still, he killed Ana-Lucia, which counts in his favor.

18) Ana-Lucia

Played by Michelle Rodriguez, Ana-Lucia was simultaneously 100% annoying and 100% bitchy, which is mathematically impossible. But she shot the even more loathsome Shannon, which counts in her favor.

17) Locke

For being an idiot about the Hatch on all levels, and turning into an enormous pussy for the entirety of the second season. Ooh! A hatch! Let me not tell anyone! Now let me demand everyone help me get into it! Now, everybody has to press the button all the goddamn time! Now I don’t wanna press the button, so I’m going to make everything explode! Nice going, jackass.

16) Ethan Rom

A half-assed surgeon, a half-assed plumber, and a terrible kidnapper. When you’re trying to help someone not die from being pregnant, try a little charm instead of overt creepiness culled from your Psychotic Stalking 101 class.

15) Sarah Shephard

Jack performs a miracle operation on her spine, marries her, then she drops him for some cheesedick faster than Juliet dropped Ben from the book club. She wouldn’t even drive him home from the hospital! Ice cold bitch!

14) Achara

Remember this skanky asshole (played by expert skanky asshole Bai Ling) with the power to judge people’s character in a way that even a phone psychic would find unimpressive? Thanks to her, Jack probably brought a new species of crab to the island.

13) Juliet

Her position as assistant mind-fucker to Ben makes her a primo asshole; you never know if she’s good or playin’ ya. But she is lame enough to keep falling for Ben’s mind tricks, which is just pathetic. And Carrie is far from Stephen King’s best work.