By Chris Ward

O miracle of miracles, it appears we'll have an Academy Awards ceremony this Sunday after all. If it hadn't, we couldn't have put down 10 G's on Javier Bardem to win Best Supporting Actor for Anton Chigurh, the Pete Rose-coiffed hitman of the Coen brothers' No Country for Old Men. Bardem is beyond fantastic as the bizarre, morally insane killer, and his Oscar win is a lock (or so our bookie told us). In fact, it's no surprise that Miramax has already had the returning writers' whip up a few tentative new sequels starring the popular Chigurh, which T.R. had the unique privilege reading after we pilfered them from Miramax president Daniel Battsek's desk. Enjoy!

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN 2: ANTON RETURNS A MOVIE
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[Chigurh places copy of Operation Dumbo Drop on counter]

CLERK: Ah, Operation Dumbo Drop! A fine Doug E. Doug vehicle

CHIGURH: What business is it of yours, friendo?

CLERK: I didn’t mean nothing by it. I just enjoy Doug E. Doug.

CHIGURH: You didn’t mean nothing by it. You just enjoy Doug E. Doug.

CLERK: I just...think it’s a good family movie.

CHIGURH: You just think it’s a good family movie.

CLERK: Stop saying what I’m...

CHIGURH: Stop saying what I’m saying. [eats handful of cashews]

[long silence]

CLERK: ... Will there be something else?

CHIGURH: I don’t know. Will there?

CLERK: The computer shows you have a late balance of $32.15.

CHIGURH: You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you? What’s the most you ever lost on a late balance.

CLERK: ...on a late balance? That doesn’t make sense.

CHIGURH: I’m afraid it does. You know how this is going to end, don’t you?

CLERK: With...you paying the late balance?

CHIGURH: I’m not concerned with the late balance. It will be brought to me and placed at my feet. The late balance got here the same way I did. Somewhere you made a choice to penalize my account. All followed to this. Do you see?

CLERK: It’s two for Tuesday, if you want to pick another movie out it’s only $1 more for seven nights.

CHIGURH: You’re asking that I make myself vulnerable and that I can never do.

[Car suddenly comes through the wall and hits Chigurh]

CLERK: I’ll sell you my shirt for $1000.

CHIGURH: Deal.