The 10 Best Nintendo Games No One Played

Posted at 5:04 AM Apr 21, 2008

By Todd Ciolek

Videogames come and videogames go, but nothing will ever hold sway over an entire generation like the good ol’ Nintendo Entertainment System. Some estimate that 800 NES games were released for the system from 1985 to 1995; far too many for us to process. If you had a normal childhood, you invariably missed a lot of good NES games, unless you were that hopelessly spoiled kid who owned every single release and had Super Mario Bros. 3 imported from Japan a year before everyone else got it. Then he charged his friends a quarter per life to play it, the little shit. No one liked that kid.

Yet today, each of us can be that kid. The vast majority of NES cartridges are dirt cheap on eBay, and emulators allow to us to play just about anything from the Ninja Gaiden trilogy to cult hits like Crystalis and River City Ransom. Perhaps now’s the time to make it up to the games we ignored because they didn’t have pretty box art or prominent advertising or Vanilla Ice tie-ins. Here at Topless Robot, we’re starting with these.

10. METAL STORM (Irem/Tamtex)

The game: There’s only one truly inventive thing about Metal Storm, but it’s important: the M-308 Gunner robot that you control can reverse gravity at any time. It turns a fairly good action-shooter into an altogether unique game, as Irem puts the idea through its paces by sticking that tubby little robot in both traditional blast-everything environments and more demanding puzzles. It’s short but fairly tough, and, like the best old-school games, fun simply to screw around with.

Why no one played it: We could blame the cramped NES market of Metal Storm’s day or the fact that Irem games didn’t get terribly wide distribution, but we prefer to lay the blame sorely on the title’s similarly to that of the 1983 cinematic turd Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn. Irem’s choice in title likely made customers think they’d be playing an NES version of this:

9. LITTLE SAMSON (Taito/Takeru)

The game: A mouse, a dragon, a golem and a spiky-haired kid set out to save a kingdom with their unique abilities, all of which the player gets to explore in four separate introductory quests. The dragon can fly, the golem can take a lot of punishment, the kid can shoot bells and climb walls, and the mouse can lay what are either magical landmines or magical exploding mouse turds. It’s a simple game with simple appeal, yet the interchangeable characters boost it beyond most of those other run-of-mill NES games driven by hopping and shooting.

Why no one played it: Like just about every NES game released after 1991, Little Samson was overshadowed by every Super NES title on the market. Yes, even Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball.

8. SHATTERHAND (Jaleco/Natsume)

The Game: Shatterhand was originally a Japanese game based on some superhero TV show, but Natsume and Jaleco made the American version substantially better by making its premise just plain retarded. Our hero, Steve Hermann, is near-fatally sandwiched by two rebellious androids (ew) and gets new cyborg hands with which to beat down a worldwide robot uprising. “Shatterhand” himself never stops looking silly, but the gameplay finds the under-rated developer Natsume at their best. The controls and stage design are exceptional, and there’s a surprisingly wide variety of helper robots for Mr. Hermann to acquire. Until they turn on him, of course.

Why no one played it: Those sunglasses. That’s why.

7. SECRET TIES (Vic Tokai)

The game: Kids sure liked the two Golgo 13 NES games, with a stony-faced assassin antihero fighting Hitler clones and bedding hot female spies and sniping unsuspecting enemy agents. One problem, though: the games are actually terrible, ugly, multi-genre messes. But Golgo 13 creator Takao Saito gave the NES more than two unjustly revered crapfests. A lesser-known Saito manga, Master Thief Sugar, inspired Vic Tokai’s Secret Ties. It falls shy of brilliance, but the game’s a competent action title with shades of both Castlevania and Ninja Gaiden, stitched together with a self-assuredly ridiculous story. The game’s thieving hero (renamed “Silk” for the U.S. edition) comes across as Golgo 13 with actual personality, though Golgo would never bother saving women from the horrors of ancient civilizations or lecture the Nintendo generation about the environment. You’re a wuss, Silk.

Why no one played it: It’s okay if you missed Secret Ties, because it was never released. Anywhere. It wasn’t even published in Japan, where Saito’s been able to turn out about eighty billion volumes’ worth of Golgo 13 shooting people in the head. In fact, it wasn’t until 2004 that the Lost Levels found a prototype of Secret Ties and released a downloadable ROM for everyone. Go and try it. It’s a victimless crime.

6. PRINCESS TOMATO IN THE SALAD KINGDOM (Hudson)

The Game: Bear with us here. Minister Pumpkin and his “Farmies” conquered the Salad Kingdom and kidnapped Princess Tomato, leaving Sir Cucumber and his sidekick, Percy the Persimmon, to rescue her. Yes, it’s a vegetable-themed fairy tale told through a graphic-adventure game interface; think Zork with pictures of Zucchini Mountains and Celery Forests and Leek Ghettos and Rutabaga Brothels. And the whole thing is surprisingly fun. Comfortable in its own awful jokes, Princess Tomato benefits from a well-designed interface, decent puzzles, and a game script that frequently mocks the player.

Why no one played it: The title. The cover art. The Farmies. Only one thing might’ve gotten the youth of 1991 interested in Princess Tomato, and that thing vanished after Hudson changed a store item called “pot” in the prototype to “vase” in the final version.