The 10 Lamest Dr. Who Villains
Posted at 5:04 AM Jul 25, 2008
By Chris Cummins
Since making its initial debut in 1963, Doctor Who has become a British cultural institution and part of every geek’s coming of age. While much of its success can be chalked up to good storytelling and consistently good casting of its leading man, what truly makes the show so enduring is a diverse array of bad guys and alien monsters. Such foes as the Daleks and the Cybermen have rightfully earned their place alongside of Klingons and Cylons in the pantheon of great TV sci-fi villains. But not all of the Doctor’s adversaries are so iconic. From the least menacing to the downright stupid, here’s a look at our favorite Timelord’s lamest baddies.
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10) The Yeti
Yetis are a hug from Jesus. It doesn’t matter if they truly exist are only the stuff of legend. They only appeared twice on Doctor Who (in the Patrick Troughton-starring serials The Abominable Snowmen and The Web of Fear), but it was enough to destroy the heart of any Yeti fan. In these installments, the Yeti were constructed of what appeared to be shag carpeting rescued from BBC dumpsters. They had eyeballs that looked like lightbulbs, resulting in a creature that appears to be the illegitimate child of Cookie Puss and Grimace. In a dick move that would later be echoed by the producers of The Six-Million Dollar Man during their Bionic Bigfoot episodes, the Who Yetis were actually just alien robots. That’s bullshit. Everyone knows that Yetis are ferociously proud creatures who could easily thwart the plans of a time-and-space-traveling Gallifreyan if they wanted to. To imply that they are helpless without the aid of extraterrestrials is ignorant and just plain wrong.
9) The Nestene Conciousness
Not to be confused with the Nestea Plunge, the Nestene Conciousness is an energy force that can give life to anything made of plastic. While this notion may please fans of the Charmed action figure line, it actually causes quite a bit of havoc. The big bad N.C. uses this ability to make mannequins come alive, and not in a cute Andrew McCarthy loves Kim Cattrall way either. The resulting foes, known as Autons generally wreak terror upon English shoppers before the Doctor swoops in at the last minute to save the day. The Autons (seen in Rose, the first episode of Russell T. Davies’ revived Doctor Who series) are creepy and menacing, it’s a shame the same can’t be said of their masters. The Nestene Conciousness is little more than a moving blob of CGI that can easily be defeated by a writer’s construct known as anti-plastic. Now, who wants ice tea?
8) Professor Lazarus
Whereas the original run of Doctor Who was plagued by low production values, the seemingly unlimited budget of the new series ushered in a troubling shift away from rubber suit monsters to CGI creatures. This is most apparent in the 2007 episode The Lazarus Experiment. Essentially a mad scientist tale, the story stars Mark Gatiss (The League of Gentlemen) as an elderly genius who creates a machine that reverses the effects of aging. Quicker than you can say "Brundlefly," he tests the device out on himself and is transformed into a hideous beast—made from some of the most awful CGI you’re ever likely to see. Now, I’m no anti-CGI Luddite. I understand how wonderful its utilization can be when done properly. But when a major show like Doctor Who uses it to create a monster that looks like a sub-par level boss in a PS2 game, it’s inexcusable. I can appreciate the delicious irony that a cautionary tale about the misuse of technology results in the misuse of technology, but the fact remains that the Lazarus beast is still terrible.
7) The Kandy Man
Making his sole appearance in the 1988 Seventh Doctor story The Happiness Patrol, the Kandy Man is an evil robot with the appearance of a gingerbread man who lives on a planet where being miserable is punished by death. Instead of taking sunrises and sprinkling them with dew, this Kandy Man captures rebels and drowns them in a candy confection. Eventually, a group of citizens known as the Pipe People (because they live below pipes—clever!) gang up on Kandy and murder him. Thus ends the reign of terror of one of the dumbest looking villains in the history of sci-fi.
6) The Anne Droid
While America tired of The Weakest Link fairly quickly, those wacky Brits still can’t get enough of host Anne Robinson’s acerbic witticisms. Appearing in the 2005 episodes Bad Wolf and The Parting of Ways, the Anne Droid was a robotic representation of Robinson who hosted the game show aboard the floating TV station Satellite Five in the year 200,100. Was her appearance a sly commentary on the popularity of banal mainstream programming or just an opportunity for a shameless celebrity cameo? My money’s on the latter. Laaaaaame.
Comments
Ugh, the whole Russell T. Davies series is one big, crappy celebrity cameo. The hell with it. Seriously.
I agree with you that a lot of these monsters were still part of really good episodes. The Web of Fear was a great novelisation (the original episodes were destroyed by the BBC), and the Happiness Patrol was an excellent political satire, one of the few attacks on positive thinking I know of.
Posted 07/25/2008 at 05:48:21 AMThe nestene were also in the early Doctor Who years during the 3rd Doctor's run. A very scary Black vinyl couch went around eating people.
Posted 07/25/2008 at 05:50:40 AMThe adipose weren't even villains. It was the lady who was breeding them that was the villain.
Also, calling Donna insufferable seems unwarranted in retrospect. She turned into an excellent character.
Posted 07/25/2008 at 10:50:24 AMHeeeeeeeeey...don't pick on the Adipose, they were just babies! The Anne-droid isn't really fair, she was a semi-villain along with some make-over robots and a big-brother-esk thing...though I do believe that episode gave us an unexpectedly naked Jack Harkness, so all can be forgiven. :p
I do agree on the Lazarus Experiment though...an alright
villain perhaps in concept, the whole thing was just a cgi extravaganza.
Best 'Who' villain? John Simm's interpretation of the Master :)
Posted 07/25/2008 at 11:36:04 AMAdipose was not an enemy. They were not suppose to be a threat to people. The Matron and her method was the threat -- a very believable threat I might add. Feasting on people's obsession with diets, she grants their wish whilst killing them. Pure genious in writing. I actually love that the Adipose themselves are innocent. This is like the puppy mills or the black-market baby adoptions. The kids are not at fault but those in charge are taking advantage of everyone.
Posted 07/25/2008 at 02:26:48 PMLittle heavy on the New Who. I'm guessing you haven't seen a lot of the old series and some of the truly insane/cheap villains from that era.
For instance, how could you leave out Scarlioni from City of Death? A villain with a psyche fractured across time, whose convoluted plan centered around stealing the Mona Lisa, so he could sell multiple forgeries of it, all to raise the money to build a time machine so he could go back and stop the accident that caused his mind to be scattered across time in the first place.
Not only did he look silly in his alien form (an avocado with one big eye in place of a head), but his plan was insanely complicated. Why doesn't he get one of his selves in the far past to hide a quantity of gold or something else more easily available than multiple copies of a painting?
Posted 07/25/2008 at 05:42:25 PMMy vote for the lamest Doctor Who villain goes to Sil, the simpering, lisping, invertebrate Snidey Whiplash wannabe who plagues the Sixth Doctor in Vengeance on Varos and Mindwarp. After facing Daleks, Cybermen, the Master, and countless other horrors, to think that the Doctor could be menaced by something that looks like an oversized chunk of live bait was just too ridiculous for words.
Posted 07/25/2008 at 06:06:19 PMI Disagree with the the Adipose at number one for Villians because in fact Adipose were not Villians they were merely by product of the nanny's Evil Intentions. Just like a Child, born out of an Unstable relationship. thank you.
Posted 07/27/2008 at 10:02:40 AMI agree with Starman--some of the older villains were more ridiculous, although I suppose there is something to be said for working with modern special effects and not coming up with anything better. Still, Doctor Who's supposed to be a little funny.
And Dylan H: Davies has scripted some awesome stuff. His misses are far outweighed by his hits. And I rather like the cameos--they bring the old series into the new one.
Posted 07/28/2008 at 07:59:42 AMWhat about the Absorbaloff from "Love and Monsters?" A monster designed by a 9 year old who acted just like Mike Meyers Fat Bastard.
Posted 08/06/2008 at 05:52:48 AMhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PW0H_rprV-g
Posted 08/08/2008 at 10:31:36 AMI always thought the lamest was the "Creature" from the "Creature from the pit"
It looked like a giant green set of male genitals. And I read that they actually altered it to make it less phallic.
It's not.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 02:54:46 AMHow can anyone forget the Myrka, the lame pantomime horse sea monster from "Warriors of the Deep" or the Quarks from "The Dominators", walking minifridges with spikey balls for heads.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 03:12:15 AMThe Kandyman was an excellent villain. He was scary with that creepy voice. I love the bit where he answers the phone "kandyman!"
Posted 08/11/2008 at 04:00:00 AMThis list seems to be heavily weighted towards the last 4 series.
What about the giant shrimp" virus" from The Invisible Enemy?
Or the Ogri from Stones of Blood? They were big rocks.
Or Mestor from The Twin Dilemma? He's a crossed eyed giant slug.
Having just seen Warriors of the Deep recently I also have to second the Myrka.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 07:35:54 AMThe Adipose were really annoying, though I agree that they don't really count as villains, but I think you're being a bit unfair to Donna Noble's character. She was annoying in the Christmas specials, but she definitely improved.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:01:43 AMAnyway, you've missed out a few even from the new series. I second the Abzorbaloff, and how did you miss Cassandra? She was just ridiculous, and also incredibly irritating. The 'human dalek' was comical rather than scary, and the whole cat nuns thing in New Earth, which could have been excellent, was far too easily resolved.
My favourite villain so far would have to be the stone angels, Davros, or the shadows in the library. Those were SCARY :p Steven Moffat is excellent, I think it's good he's taking over. Davies was good, but we need a change after four series.
The adipose are fat creatures, once they spring to life the humans they sprung from die. That sounds villainous to me. To the BBC as well, who refer to them as sinister:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/s4/videos/S4_01
Donna was excellent in "Turn Left," even though i'm still not buying this 'she is the most important person in the universe' thing.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:09:18 AMThe original article sounds amazingly like "The old series was better, even if it was cheaper, so there, nyah."
Have to agree that "Lazarus Experiment" didn't work, have to disagree with most of what else you say about the new series.
"Blink", mentioned in a comment above, just won the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation (Short Form) at this year's World SF Convention - and deserved it.
"Terror of the Autons", incidentally, led to Questions in the House of Commons as to whether the BBC should be producing something that scared the carp out of kiddies; "Blink" is solidly in that "behind the couch" tradition.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:29:09 AMThe original article sounds amazingly like "The old series was better, even if it was cheaper, so there, nyah."
Have to agree that "Lazarus Experiment" didn't work, have to disagree with most of what else you say about the new series.
"Blink", mentioned in a comment above, just won the Hugo Award for Best Dramatic Presentation (Short Form) at this year's World SF Convention - and deserved it.
"Terror of the Autons", incidentally, led to Questions in the House of Commons as to whether the BBC should be producing something that scared the carp out of kiddies; "Blink" is solidly in that "behind the couch" tradition.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:32:25 AMMan, I hate it when lists do this . . . "here's the top 100 of all time -- and 75 of them are from the last 5 years!!!" It's like the author wanted to pick on the new show and decided to toss in the odd off baddie from the old show.
I can think of a dozen baddies that were way more lame than listed here: The Zarbi, the Nimon, the Quarks, that cactus thing that turned into Tom Baker. . . .
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:47:32 AMHey, I just got off a two month binge of 'The Wire' on DVD and only came up for air when I ran out of episodes.
The only thing that could drag me away from 'The Wire' was Doctor Who. I'm 90% with you on your assessments of villinous lameness. But is there something wrong with me that Donna Noble did it for me in ways that neither Rose nor Martha could? Maybe it's because I like red heads?
Posted 08/11/2008 at 08:55:15 AMPeople still watch this schlock? Everyone knows that TREK RULES ALL. It will ALWAYS be more popular than Craptor Who. HAH! FACT!
Posted 08/11/2008 at 10:40:30 AMI think that the Adipose are absolute rubbish villains beacsue they are so cute. Yes, they do kill people but if the people are stupid enough to buy diet pills when they could lose weight naturally then you can hardly blame the Adipose.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 10:46:04 AMI think that the Adipose are absolute rubbish villains beacsue they are so cute. Yes, they do kill people but if the people are stupid enough to buy diet pills when they could lose weight naturally then you can hardly blame the Adipose.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 10:51:37 AMI hate watching people get killed so I wouldn't watch the one with the Anne-Droid UNTIL I knew that Jack Harkness was naked so I watched it. I hoped they would do more episodes with Jack in as he was a really good character. He helped the Doctor out and he flirted with all the women and some of the men too which I found utterly irrestible!!! :)
Posted 08/11/2008 at 10:59:09 AMWhat about that little devil doll the Master creates during the Pertwee years? A new level of unwittingly lovable absurdity. I hear he writes for Nickolodeon now.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 01:26:22 PMRegarding the Adipose, I don't think it was the intention of The Nanny to make them develop all at once as she did after being discovered by The Doctor. That one fellow, who was fairly thin, had one create every night at 1:15am or something like that, scampering out of his cat door. If the process had been left alone, all the overweight people would've slimmed down and not been the wiser that their fat had become cute, little sentient things. But then that brings up another question: where did the earliest Adipose go to wait for the mothership?
I was worried, though, when I first saw this that the Weeping Angels would be included as lame. Glad to see they weren't and that the episode was awarded for being so good.
Posted 08/11/2008 at 04:33:22 PMHey! Donb't knock the Kandy Man! He was awesome! He was frightening in his ridiculousness! And even so, the lame villains are often the most entertaining!
Posted 08/11/2008 at 05:17:23 PMNo Nimon? How about the bug-things from Web Planet?
Posted 08/11/2008 at 06:21:51 PMThe Adipose weren't villains, they were just babies. Their nanny was the evil one. And Max Capricorn is from the planet Sto, so he was NEVER human. I do agree that he was pretty lame though. He has to be the ugliest villain in the new show (especially with that grill on his teeth). Why didn't the drawing of Chloe's dad from "Fear Her" make it on the list?
Posted 08/11/2008 at 06:29:52 PMHave to disagree with you on the Nestene Consciousness, but only on the strength of its previous two appearences in the Classic era of the show. While it was an unconvincing CGI puddle in New Who, in the Classic era it was a tentacled crustacian/octopus hybrid; a Lovecraftian nightmare.
And, frankly, the ratio of New Who monsters to Classic Who suggests that Chris Cummins doesn't know his Doctor Who at all. What about the Quarks, the Atlantean Fish People, the Chumblies, the Krotons, the Mechonoids, the Nimon, Erato (the "Creature in the Pit"), the Tetraps, the Voord, the Zarbi or the Borad?
Posted 08/12/2008 at 02:07:05 AMAny list of lamest monsters not including the Absorbaloff from "Love & Monsters" is a list lacking a veritable #1. A huge fat alien in a tiny thong who says things like 'Mmmmm, tastes like chicken!' when it kills people. It lacks any kind of menace at all. That's not because it was designed by a kid. It's because the script sucked.
Posted 08/12/2008 at 05:42:30 AMthere have been a a higher concentration of lame monsters in the new series the absorbaloff, the drawings that come alive,the adipose,the wire than in the old series IMO
Posted 08/12/2008 at 11:38:31 PMim firmly in the rtd haters club the story lines are lame
but the slitheen were unnessesarily crass
the angels and the empty child were cool scary
but the sontarans in there new form were lame rubbish armour
there have been a a higher concentration of lame monsters in the new series the absorbaloff, the drawings that come alive,the adipose,the wire than in the old series IMO
Posted 08/12/2008 at 11:38:44 PMim firmly in the rtd haters club the story lines are lame
but the slitheen were unnessesarily crass
the angels and the empty child were cool scary
but the sontarans in there new form were lame rubbish armour
Donna Noble was insufferable. Glad to see her go. Bring back Sally Sparrow!!!
Posted 08/13/2008 at 10:40:28 AMI think the lamest villain in Doctor Who history is
Posted 08/13/2008 at 02:57:03 PMthe idiot that can up with the 8th doctor made for T.V. movie. A perfectly good regeneration wasted in 2 hours I grow up on the old series and love the story lines (for god sakes they used and film of a U.S. rocket launching for the missile that Davros used to kill the Thals in, genisis of the daleks) but those old shows always had captivating plots it wasnt about special effects.(Brain of Morbius, would be great today)I like the new Doctor too stays with the original pretty well and there has some good episodes so far
Glad to see it back!