The G.I. Joe Movie Is Impervious to Logic
Posted at 3:06 PM Sep 05, 2008
Everytime I start to forget all the dire news about the live-action G.I. Joe movie, something new leaks out and sends me into nerd rage all over again. Here I was, trying to enjoy a simple sixth scotch-and-soda on a Friday afternoon, when MTV posted the following interview from Joe producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura regarding Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Cobra Commander:
“As we see it, he’s a very twisted character,” producer Lorenzo di Bonaventura exclaimed to MTV News, telling us the key to Cobra Commander lies in his gritty past…and that we’ll see every grimy piece of it. “As the backstory evolves, you discover why his personality [is like that].”
While stopping short of drawing parallels between Gordon-Levitt’s PG-13 villain and that of Heath Ledger’s terrifying Joker, di Bonaventura does find one noteworthy comparison. “I thought what was great in ‘The Dark Knight’ was that Heath kept telling you different stories [about his past] so you never knew what it was, and they were all spooky and crazy. [In our film] you get to see it, and you get to understand what’s happened to this guy.”
Well, I can see how THE FUCK?! So you think Ledger's Joker's lack of an origin was great. And so you'll be giving Cobra Commander as clear an origin as possible in G.I. Joe. SIR, YOU MAKE NO SENSE. PLEASE STOP MAKING THIS MOVIE. (Spoiler Warning) Now, given that most reports have Cobra Commander—and it's probably worth pointing out that Gordon-Levitt is 27, making his Cobra Commander very precocious to be leading a terrorist organization so young—as Duke's childhood friend, di Bonaventura has found the one origin story that is stupider than the comics one about how he was a used car dealer named Fred.
Incidentally, di Bonaventura says that C.C. will have both a mask and a weird voice, but not the ones you grew up with and loved. Why would anybody do something to appease the fans? That never works!
While the film will draw from the comics for inspiration, di Bonaventura revealed that there’s one aspect from the cartoon that will carry over…the character’s unique voice. While it won’t exactly match the classic high-pitched wail from the show, the producer says Gordon-Levitt will leave his own vocal stamp on Cobra Commander. “He has an interesting voice. He definitely has a take-off on that. I actually found the voice a little weak in the show…I’m sure I’ll get killed for saying that. I don’t know, it always seemed kind of silly. Hopefully we’re going to be a little more menacing.”
And while the character is widely known for his blue mask, don’t expect that to necessarily carry over in whole either. “We’ll see Cobra Commander in the Cobra mask [but] it will not be like the show,” said di Bonaventura, who also promised they aren’t going to the comics for that one either. “I found some of the [mask] aspects a little KKK for me,” he said, “so we tried to steer away from that image. We thought that might be a little much.”
Yes, god forbid the LEADER OF A FUCKING TERRORIST ORGANIZATION LOOK FRIGHTENING OR INTIMIDATING I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU GAH MY BRAIN—ANEURYSM ARRGHH THE PAIN AAAADW$#!#$^^*&*&#$
Comments
Haha, I'm sorry, but I always Love the 'AHH MY HEART!/BRAIN!' endings to the (understandably) upsetting posts (though the Snake-Eyes non-involvement-with-Scarlett post still cracks me up whenever I'm having a bad time at work).
Here's to more great news regarding this wondrous bastard of a movie.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 12:29:56 PMArgh! I meant to say, "...(though the Snake-Eyes... still cracks me up the Most)"- I pulled a Bonaventura.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 12:33:07 PMIts like they painted an onion red and said, "You like Apples huh? Here a NEW Apple just for you kids!"
-bad analogy I know, but this post made me start drinking earlier than expected.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 01:21:21 PMMoon Man just lost all interest in this movie...and as he goes, I go.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 01:40:48 PMI WANT to give this movie a chance, as much of the controversy was similar to the buzz before the X-Men movie came out (and that movie turned out great, despite the changes), but I'm really not liking the sound of this. Most of the changes only seem to be there for the sake of change, and that almost always ruins the mythology. (See: John Byrne) The movie will probably still be entertaining, but I doubt it will resemble the G.I. Joe I know and love.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 01:59:17 PMSo, they like how a villain like the Joker was all spooky and crazy, so they make sure their villain DOESN'T have a weird voice or a creepy face/mask.
Say, is there a term for the opposite of an "Ultimate" universe? You know, like in comics where they make an alternate line of continuity to that's more streamlined, using the best of previous versions of the work to create a more accessible whole?
Posted 09/05/2008 at 02:25:51 PMCobra Commander doesn't have to wear a hood to be accurate, he always had that helmet/mirrored faceplate dealie to fall back on. As for Tommy from Third Rock? I'll have to see it to believe it. Hal Sparks is the only live-action CC for me.
Seriously, he's in a mask full-time after his "backstory" just have Hugo Weaving dub over the dialogue, a la V for Vendetta. If he could do Megatron's rasp why not?
Posted 09/05/2008 at 02:58:20 PMYour anger entertains and bemuses me. I almost forgot to wish a thousand sweaty deaths upon di Bonaventura.
Posted 09/05/2008 at 06:25:04 PMwell clearly this movie isn't geared for anybody that watched the cartoons in the 80's. I'm sure we'll get some shitty montage with bad trendy music involved. And probably a dance scene since the main characters are newbies.
Posted 09/07/2008 at 03:06:52 PMEveryone and their grandmother in Hollywood right now is desperate to make some kind of Dark Knight analogy to anything they're working on. They'll stretch those analogies until they break under the sheer weight of reason, then spiral off into the unfathomable realms of nonsense and shame.
This movie is going to be stupid. But will it be a stupid we can appreciate, like 'The Rock', or 'Con Air', or will we get stupid like Van Helsing? I think it's going to be Van Helsing stupid. But I'm still going to see it, Yo Joe ACK SPLAT
Posted 09/07/2008 at 07:15:52 PMFor the record, I can appreciate neither "The Rock" nor "Con Air." Part of me wants to say "0h, the battle helmet will be fine," but if they can come up with such a stupid reason to lose the hood, God knows what else they'll come up with.
Also, di Bonaventura might be talking out his ass. The director might have axed the hood for an entirely different reason.
Posted 09/08/2008 at 04:27:20 AMFor the record, I can appreciate neither "The Rock" nor "Con Air." Part of me wants to say "0h, the battle helmet will be fine," but if they can come up with such a stupid reason to lose the hood, God knows what else they'll come up with.
Also, di Bonaventura might be talking out his ass. The director might have axed the hood for an entirely different reason.
Posted 09/08/2008 at 04:29:15 AMErrrg! Now I'M off to thye Liquor Store! Ghhaaa, these kids!!?
Posted 09/08/2008 at 08:21:11 PMI mean explaining the hood is easy, his bathroom is across the hall from his bedroom and he doesn't always want to put on a damn helmet just to piss at night.
Posted 09/09/2008 at 12:48:09 AMI mean explaining the hood is easy, his bathroom is across the hall from his bedroom and he doesn't always want to put on a damn helmet just to piss at night.
Posted 09/09/2008 at 12:52:37 AMThey also got rid of the helmet because it looks like a Nazi helmet, and that's far too mature subject matter for a PG-13 movie about war.
Posted 09/10/2008 at 04:51:49 PM