Movies, Toys

SDCC: More Upsetting News about the G.I. Joe Movie

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ToyNewsI just did a live-blog of Hasbro’s G.I. Joe panel, where the upcoming comic (by Larry Hama), the upcoming Resolute cartoon (by Warren Ellis) and the upcoming live-action movie (by Satan, Prince of Darkness) were all discussed. You should go read it here, because I’m only going to recap what was said about the movie, and only the bad news from that. Thankfully, there’s plenty of bad news?but be warned, it’s all spoiler-iffic, so hit the jump to discover how bad it’s going to get.

? Duke and Ripcord are not in G.I. Joe when the movie begins.

If you had any doubt that the character of Duke had been changed from “leader of G.I. Joe” to “some random dude,” this should do it. Obviously, they wanted to help introduce G.I. Joe to viewers. And then picked the character least suited to do it.

? Duke and the Baroness were almost married.

Yep. I can’t add anything to this to convey the badness here. This totally unnecessary twist speaks for itself.

? Ripcord and Scarlett have a flirty relationship. Since Snake Eyes doesn’t talk, it was too hard to convey a relationship between him and Scarlett.

I feel it’s worth pointing out that BOTH A FUCKING ’80S CARTOON AND A GODDAMN COMIC BOOK BOTH MADE FOR CHILDREN MANAGED TO CONVEY THAT SAME RELATIONSHIP JUST FINE, YOU JACK-ASSES. Still, Snake Eyes’ loss is a Wayans brother’s gain.

? The Joes have an “accelerator suit” which allows them to run 50 miles per hour, which leads to a car chase.

You know what else goes 50 miles per hour? JEEPS AND MOTORCYCLES AND TANKS AND ALL THE SHIT THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN FEATURED IN EVERY INCARNATION OF G.I. JOE FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS, YOU FUCKS GAH ARRGH MY HEART

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.