By Rob Bricken in
Daily Lists, Merchandise
Tuesday, May. 12 2009 @ 5:00AM
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In 1983, an ebony goliath with a penchant for unique haircuts and a compulsion to own and wear all gold chains ever made stole the world's heart. Mr. T was a larger-than-life personality that taught a generation the meaning of "jibber jabber," and his impact on pop cultrue was so powerful that (the predictable) dumpsters of Mr. T-branded merchandise came pouring into the '80s and even a bit into the '90s. While Mr. T made it known that he didn't have time for fools, he seemed to have even less for "approval meetings" or "quality control," because a great many of these products were horrible, or made no sense whatsoever, or both. Here are the most foolish pieces Mr. T merchandising, and man, are they worth pitying -- both those who made them and those who unfortunately received them.
10) Mr. T Air Freshener
Car air fresheners generally use the images of things we imagine would smell nice, like a cherry or a pine tree or the Tazmanian Devil. Large, sweaty men are generally not assumed to smell nice which is why there's never been a "large, sweaty men" potpourri scent. Also, considering Mr. T's fan base is comprised almost entirely of 11-year-olds, how many of them really have car odor problems that need addressing?
9) Mr. T Necktie
Neckties are meant to be worn in public at an occasion you want to look your best. This makes the Mr. T tie an item in disharmony with the cosmos, as it is something that should not be worn in public, on any occasion, for any reason, and will never make you look good, at all. It's not even a good picture of Mr. T -- he looks like a Mr. T midget with a shark fin inexplicably growing out of his back. The only possible use for this tie would be to wear it to the wedding of people that you don't like and don't like you.
8) Mr. T Eraser
Made a mistake? No problem! Just rub the creepy legless torso of your hero on it until it goes away! Along with his nose!
7) Mr. T Gum
We've already established that no one should probably ever want to experience the aroma of Mr. T, but clearly, so how he tastes should naturally be even further down the list. Since the gum is supposed to look like like one of T's gold chains, one can only assume that the Mr. T gum tastes of gold chains, and that's probably the best you can hope for.
6) Mr. T and the T Force Comics
In 1993, long after The A-Team and during a period where Mr. T's career had taken a downturn, the struggling NOW Comics launched this baffling title because absolutely nobody demanded it. Too late to cash in on T's fame and far too soon to be enjoyed ironically, the Mr. T comic sat on shelves until it was sent to rest in a dumpster along with early '70s Monkees records and unwatched copies of Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
5) B.A. Baracus Kite
The only difference between Mr. T and his A-Team character B.A. Baracus was that B.A. Baracus was terrified of flying. So, of course, some genius made a kite based on B.A. Baracus, and not Mr. T. The kite came with a free glass of drugged milk, which was necessary to get it into the air.
4) Mr. T Shrinky Dinks
This product is damning evidence that Mr. T obviously let somebody else handle his merchandising approval meetings. No man would be willing to put his name in front of the words "Shrinky Dink" no matter how many dump trucks of money were offered.
3) Mr. T Rubber Ducky
Your child getting into the tub with a Mr. T action figure probably isn't something you ever need to worry about. However, if they want to get naked with this frightening affront to all things good and holy, and then yes, you do indeed have a problem.
2) Mr. T in your Pocket
The "In Your Pocket" item in general is really only funny in Spencer Gifts where you can at least annoy the employees with its six quotes. No slight against Mr. T, but the laughs end once you leave the mall parking lot. You'd do best to just drop it off at Goodwill on the way home.
1) This Thing
While clearly not a licensed item in any way, one wonders who thought this was a good idea. Either it's the strange offspring of Mr. T and The A-Team van after a depraved night of passion at the wrap party or some awful, Seth Brundel-esque transportation accident. Whatever the case may be, it has driven straight into our nightmares.
Tags: Mr. T, The A-Team
59 comments
Comments
Jeremy said:
What?!?! No Mr.T cereal? The cereal that was immortalized in Pee Wee's Big Adventure? The cereal that had the best jingle in cereal-commercial history? "Teaming up with Mr.T Cereal!!! It's made with brown sugahh!!"
Liter One said:
You can use that air freshener in you "Pow, Pow, Power Wheels."
Glorious Cheese said:
I pity da ... oh, never mind.
Zach Oat said:
Jeremy: Having your own cereal is not pitiful. It's actually pretty awesome.
And that Mr. T truck is magical. I must have it, to put on a shelf alongside my "Ninja Patrol" police car, with real lights and sounds, and real ninjas leaning out the windows, waving nunchuks.
And I could be wrong, but does that Mr. T tie actually have Mr. T Rubber Duckies on it? If so, that might put it at #1, or at least #2.
Mrs T said:
The best Mr T was his Snickers Gun pelting it at effeminate joggers to man them up.
The executive behind that who greenlit that, I'm sure has his job options sitting right next to Mr. T.
Mr T in... The Wrestler 2
davelog said:
>> What?!?! No Mr.T cereal?
Mr. T cereal cures cancer. It absolutely does not belong on this list.
chad said:
not only one should wonder what the execs who approved these things were on but where was mr. t mind to let his likness be used for some of that stuff the comic i can see but a rubber ducky that is so wrong in many ways. and number one looks like a rejected transformer
THE PR0F3550R said:
What!? Mr. T in your Pocket is an awesome product! It really entertains my students especially when they start talking nonsense and I give them a quick "Don't give me no backtalk sucka!", "Quit yo' jibba jabba", "Don't make me mad, errr!", or "Shut up foo'!" response using the lovely catchphrase keychain.
Trust me, there are lots of lamer keychains than this one. It's harmless fun and can really annoy telemarketers when you use the right phrase to respond to their inane questions.
MikeHell said:
Zach: I agree. I think the tie does have the Mr. T duckies on it. That's sad on top of sad.
I also have an autographed copy of Mr. T and the T-Force. He came to my local comic shop when it first came out. I'm sure it's worthless since for one, nobody cares about the comic. And two, his "signature" looks like it's one that anybody could forge. Still, I have a framed flyer (about the signing) that he also autographed hanging up in my house as well as a very dated picture of me with Mr. T (probably the coolest thing to come of that experience). He was an extremely nice and jovial guy as well.
Gasstank said:
I pity the foo that ain’t got no love for Mr. T Shrinky Dinks.
Drunken Fist said:
Uhh... I own some of these things.
Yeah, I'm a Mr. T fanatic since 1983!
Adam said:
I had a Mr. T in your pocket. I remember one day I went into my LCS and was trying to find an issue of Legion of Super-Heroes that I missed. The clerk came with me and we tried to find it in on the racks. I bent down with him and my pocket stared yelling "Don't make me mad! Grrrrr!" over and over and over. I got up apologized and left. I was 35 at the time. Wait, is this fmylife?
Dorkus Malorkus said:
OMG I want that kite. I live next to a park and there are always kids flying kites when it's windy. I want to show them all up with the best kite ever!
essl said:
If you only knew… this is just the tip of the iceberg of pitiful. Soap on a roap? The Mr. T guitar by Ohio Art? The 7 different Mr. T flashlights? The Mr. T squirt camera? Mr. T’s Water War, where you throw sponges at his face…
Jeremy (a different one) said:
I'm with you except for the Mr. T in your pocket. That thing is awesome. I've sprung it on so many people and they always love it. There is no comeback in the world as cool as "First name Mr. Middle name Period. Last name T."
Strangeman said:
What about the Mr.T chia pet, where you can grow Mr.T's mohawk using grass? I had a three day arguement with a friend over it's existence, and nearly came to blows.
Stephen said:
I hope Neal Adams really needed the money.
Has there ever been a WWF/E figure of Mr. T?
Michael said:
I remember, about 1993, seeing Mr. T signing autographs outside the local Giant. No one wanted an autograph. He was just sitting there, by himself. I could have walked up to him, lied about how much I loved the A-Team; but instead, I just walked right by. Poor Mr. T. I still feel bad over that.
JOBSQUAD said:
Man, what about 'Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool'?.
It was a HILARIOUSLY bad 1980's motivational tape for kids. In it, T raps, exercises, plays the cello, and teaches kids about health and fitness. EXCEPT for the fat little white boy, that kid just couldn't get down. We found it at a video rental place and after renting it, my brother inquired about purchasing it. Turns out we were the ONLY people to have rented it in,like, 10 years so they let it go for a song.
Best. Purchase. EVAR!
Glitchy Goblin said:
I actually OWN Mr. T and the T Force, but yeah, that toy is pretty awful looking.
Jack Burden said:
A long time ago, I got laid because I was sitting at a bar reading a hardcover copy of Mr. T by Mr. T., in which he basically admits to murdering someone with his brothers. Thanks, Mr. T! Good book too. A lot better than Chuck Norris' tedious autobiography. How can a man who can kick that hard be that boring? Don't tell him I said that.
OM said:
...That picture isn't the first time Mr. T has made a duck out of himself.
tvtastegood said:
Jack hate to tell you but chuck norris prolly already heard that and is on his way. Mr. T is the man!
Oh and michael you should have pitied the fool.
EO said:
I have that comic book boxed away in the attic. It came in a three-pack of first issues of comics that didn't sell well along with Marvel's New Universe book Star Brand and Impact's revival of The Black Hood. I remember thinking that the other two weren't terrible, but I never bothered to open the bag with the Mr. T comic. I could say it was because I didn't want to risk losing the trading card that came with it, but I think that even as a ten-year-old I knew it couldn't be good. Hey, I was young, I needed comics, and that bag was cheap.
keith said:
I don't remember any of these and I pretty much bought anything w/ Mr. T on it when I was a kid. I'm glad my parents didn't subject me to any of this crap.
Jeremy said:
Stephen said:
Has there ever been a WWF/E figure of Mr. T?
Posted 05/12/2009 at 09:14:47 AM
Yes. The same company that does WWE toys also did the line of Rocky action figures.
klinteastwood said:
when I saw the Mr T duck, the first thing that went through my mind was "I pity the fowl"
Yakub Shabazz said:
Strangeman, tru dat. No one ever believes me about it either, unless we go the internetz for proof. One day I will own one.
And Michael: Shame on you. I would have sat with him the whole time he was there, just shooting the shit.
Also, my Halloween costume from 3 years ago:
http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=107529237&albumID=695026&imageID=1821635#a=695026&i=10543692
Yakub Shabazz said:
^^^(You may have to hit "Previous" to see the right one. Not sure why.)
Esbat said:
Mr. T + Conan O'Brien = Pure Hilarity
Korbl said:
Yakob, yeah, I fucking would've sat with the guy. I wasn't even there and I feel bad for him. If I didn't have the time, I'd have at least gotten an autograph, Mr. T's awesome in a kitsch-y sorta way, and the A Team was hilariously awful.
the fresh maker said:
I feel like you have posted every piece of merchandise he ever had - hence, it was all pitiful shit.
Dave said:
Nice work.
Chad Warren said:
No mention of the Mr. T animated series? I watch them all regularly on Laser Disc- I am insane. Nothing makes more sense than Mr. T riding a youth gymnastics team around in his van solving mysteries. Nothing. I'm a fan of the "Don't be a fool. Stay in School." patch featured here: http://www.kapowgifts.co.uk/acatalog/info_2207.html
Luke said:
None of those products belong on that list. I would buy them all!
Pandy said:
I personally promote Mr. T in your pocket. It was the best Christmas gift I've ever gotten :D
Kevin Stecko said:
We sell the Mr. T in your pocket and have sold hundreds of those things. They are a great product and really fun.
1 Lucky Texan said:
I bought my kids the lawn toy called Mr. t's Water War (mentioned by essl above). But it was obviously designed backwards. When attached to a hose, one team would throw wet sponges at the Mr. T shaped 'paddle' to redirect the water spray. Well, kids playing in water in Texas summers WANT to get wet. But this thing sent the water spray to the opposite team when struck with the sponge!
The toy had less than 60 seconds use when it was sold in a garage sale.
Carl
1 Lucky Texan
Kevin F said:
The problem with Mr. T in your Pocket is that the voice sounds nothing like Mr. T.
Bill said:
I can swear that I had a Mr. T action figure when I was younger. I love the A team though, so it was pretty cool. As for all of that other stuff, I don't think I would have liked any of that.
gizmo said:
oh my.....I thought they'd come out with a black Aflac duck. Damn.
toobitterforyou said:
"i pity the poor fool who don't eat my cereal."
dubbc said:
A Team + Mac Gyver = PWN
Dave said:
I can swear that I had a Mr. T action figure when I was younger. I love the A team though, so it was pretty cool. As for all of that other stuff, I don't think I would have liked any of that..
Chili said:
I have an old "rap album" by Mr. T called "Mr. T's Commandments" from 1984 that SHOULD have been on this list. A couple of years ago, I converted the out-of-print album to digital audio. Classic. Click the Wiki link for more details:
Anonymous said:
I used to have a Mr. T big wheel when I was a toddler. I wish I would have kept it.
Peterpan said:
I have Mr. T on my GPS. It's one of the coolest things ever. it's the real Mr. T from a site called Navtones that does real celebrity voice downloads. "Turn left fool."
Peterpan said:
Just found this clip on youtube of some of the things he says on the GPS. It's T with James Bond. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOKCzLbFOuY&feature=channel_page
Check out navtones.com and if you love T you will love his voice on your GPS.
Hannibal said:
What about Mr and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!
Buy it,FOOL!
timexy said:
The Mr T board game rocks
weldo said:
its an outrage !!
that mr t in your pocket is actually fantastic.
fun for my 39 year old self, and for my 10 year old boy.
you got it wrong, sucka.
Lurch_chaos said:
Lets not forget the the MR T Chia pet as a favorite.
joe said:
i have a product that is similar to the water war but on the box it labeled "garden sprinkler" and rotates on its own. picked it up and the fles market in tennessee just cuz it was funny
Lojack said:
The hands-down worst Mr. T product is a book that I found in an outlet mall store in the early 1990s. It was called "My Mr. T Doll." It had to have been ten years old then, and it was one of the most depressing stories of a really depressing child I've ever seen.
Hackie_Jackie said:
The toy execs approved all this crap in the 80's when they were all coked up and didn't produce them China until it was way too late and poor Mr.T's gold plated jewelry had already become tarnished.....I pity da fool who pimps himself for any cheap merchandise a decade after it can make me money...GRRRR!
TheChaosMonkey said:
I actually have a Mr T In Your Pocket that was given to me as a gift a few years back. That I have no real idea where it is anymore in my apartment says about all that needs to be said about exactly how useful it manages to be.
Cyn said:
I have the air freshener...apparently, Mr. T smells a bit like cinnamon. I also am a proud owner of one of those TV Land Mr. T Chia Heads- they were a promo gift at conventions. You can truly watch his mohawk grow!
Missing from the list? The Mr. T Bobble Head- I had one of these in the rear window of my car for about six months until the heat and sun made the paint wear off from his face- all that was left was creepy black plastic on a normal blue-denim clothed African American body.
But you guys missed this...and it is truly worthy of pity. http://www.somethingunderthebed.com/CURTAIN/REVIEWS/HOLCOMBE1.html
Because everyone wants to make their own Mr. T Cabbage Patch Kid.
Eric said:
I would wear that tie.
And uhm... I own the comic book...
duckywaddles said:
"I pity the poor fool what don't buy my junk."
Mr. T Incorporated reportedly ended up filing bankruptcy.
The Mr. T air freshener smells like a gym...a sweaty gym.
As for the tie, I have one too. I tried to hang myself with it but it broke.
Also, one big product missing from the list was the Mr. T feminine hygiene wipes. They sold quite well I understand.
