Thursday, Jun. 11 2009 @ 5:00AM
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When Doctor Who returned to TV screens in 2005, it not only excited a group of loyal fans but turned a whole new crowd of burgeoning nerds onto the often weird but ultimately fun British science fiction series. It also finally gave Who fans a great deal of merchandise, of which they'd only enjoyed a trickle during the previous four decades or so much of it thanks to Character Options and their Doctor Who action figures. But let's face it -- while the Doctor has battled many types enemies over the years, very few of them were as merchandisable as the Daleks. So unfortunately, when you went to local toy store to buy a Doctor or a Rose action figure, you were much more likely to find these 10 bottom feeders waiting in their place.
10) The Moxx of Balhoon
One of the first alien races seen on the new series, Moxx appeared in "End of the World" and his most memorable scene is spitting in Rose's face. Then he died. If his figure could have actually sprayed water, it might have been interesting as something more than a weird Max Rebo bootleg.
9) The Hoix
Remember the Hoix? No, of course you don't. That's because most people blocked out the terrible episode "Love and Monsters." For those that didn't, like me, it's because the cool-looking Hoix has an all too brief cameo in the episode; alas, he was much more of a running gag than a legitimate threat.
8) Doctor Constantine
"Empty Child" was a creepy standout of the first season, but an action figure of lab coat-wearing-old man Doctor Constantine wasn't ever going to be high on any Who fans' wishlist, even with his gas mask on, Besides, the far creepier "empty child" of the title was also available in a co-pack with Captain Jack. Everyone got them instead.
7) Faceless Grandma Connolly and the Wire
"The Idiot's Lantern" was an okay time waster in season two that featured Faceless Grandma Connolly, essentially a smarmy lady on television who took your face away. It's hard to believe anyone got excited at a two-pack of a faceless old woman (who inexplicably came with an optional head, in case you simply wanted an action figure of a face-having old lady) and a TV with a lady smiling on it. Weirder than that is that Rose also succumbed to the Wire that season, and a figure of her makes much more sense. Of course, they didn't make that.
6) The Editor
An evil, pasty faced man in a suit, The Editor was actually the servant of the even more evil Jagrafess on board Satellite Five. He wasn't even the real bad guy, but more of a middle management-type. If you're wondering why this character was chosen to be immortalized with a toy, look no further than the actor playing him, star Simon Pegg, whose loyal followers Character Options figured could use one more action figure. Alas, the figure's likeness was horrible, and only the most loyal Pegg-heads bothered to purchase it.
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39 comments
Comments
Kevin said:
Perfect selection. Destroyed Cassandra was always a huge head-scratcher of an action figure, as were the rest here. I don't think you missed any!
Strict said:
At least no absorbalof.
ranchoth said:
You're *kidding*...they actually SOLD a "Destroyed Cassandra" "figure"?
I wish to any God you could name that I had the balls to do something like that.
kaptin scuzgob said:
i laughed at how they marketed these as "action" figures
jack said:
Totally agree with your #1. I would substitute one of the billion releases of the 10th Doctor into the #2 position. Doctor in trench coat, Doctor in trench coat "with different accessories," Doctor in suit, Doctor in suit with glasses, Doctor in suit with 3D glasses, etc... He's the Batman of the line.
And I agree with the editor: Kylie Minogue is awesome.
Monsters and Rockets said:
I'd really dispute your slag of "Love and Monsters" and the third season ender. (Those were moments when New Who really became something special!) But this is a really fun list... I kind of want a "Destroyed Cassandra" just because it's the most hacked-out, awful action figure ever. When I was a kid my mom looked at my '70 R2D2 figure and mumbled, "It's a goddamn thread spool with a sticker on it." She was right... But Cassandra here has R2 beat!
cummins said:
Great article. A big Amen to all of the figures on this list, especially the gigantic FU that is the Destroyed Cassandra. I am a huge fan of this line in general, but it is being killed by the lame figure choices are constant repackaging--usually with better accessories than the initial release(hello Captain Jack with the Doctor's hand). Now I hear that Character Options is completely revamping the line to make the figures 3 3/4-sized, which means pathetic nerds like myself are going to be compelled to buy these all over again.
Also, I bought the first release of the Gelth Zombie that didn't even have the somewhat cool glowing hands, so now I really feel sad.
Jamie Herbert said:
As much as I love the good doctor, his toyline has been pockmarked with a lot of crap characters. You could easily add another 5 to this list. including the Werewolf, (yeah cause there is no chance that I could find another werewolf figure to harass my doctor who figure, Bannakaffalatta who is every bit as useless as Astrid (and isn't a total hottie in real life) not one but TWO Krilitranes good episode but talk about minor villains (plus that episode always left a bad taste in my mouth for misuse of Anthony Stewart Head, he should have totally been the new master!) Lazlo (yay, just what I need a pigman action figure woo hoo!) and of course the reaper, huge expensive and ungainly for a one off creature IMLTHO, but it's no worse than the Antican and Selay from the old TNG line by Galoob, or the myriad of crap from George Lucas.
Kevin said:
I would have taken figures of the 8th, 7th and 3rd Doctors over any of these wastes of plastic.
CrackerJacker said:
On the Toby Zed item - you've listed it as "un-processed", where I'm guessing you meant "un-possessed", as the box says.
As for my opinion, they're all just awful, but I agree, the "Destroyed Cassandra" is the most ridiculous. Mostly because it was just flogging a dead horse - why not sell the rack, with a clip-on skin-towel Cassandra, so you could act out the stories or something that kids could do something with. Instead it just left children with a Doctor Who toy, staring mournfully at the toy you bought because you got to the store too late to get the one that had the skin-towel in the frame. So sad.
MattK said:
Any chance to own a figure of Simon Pegg is aces for me, even if the likeness is a bit off.
But yeah, the rest suck.
ranchoth said:
3 3/4 scale Doctor Who figures? Now THAT'S an idea...you could customize a Dalek into a COBRA death machine, but in the proper scale so the whole thing wouldn't be completely ridiculous. :)
Saffer said:
I think that Destroyed Cassandra is the most hilariously awesome thing I've ever seen. I'm not kidding. An action figure set that's just a miniature plastic towel rack, and doesn't even have the towel? It's so crap it's kinda brilliant.
I want one.
lewen said:
I want an Adipose plushy. Or one made of stressball foam. But they dont make that. I haven't purchased any scifi merch since the first X-files movie. But I would buy that.
Stephen said:
How the hell is "destroyed Cassandra" even considered an action figure? That was the type of thing that used to show up in GI Joe accessory packs. Heck, that was the piece of plastic that all the accessories were attached to.
I think this shows just how bulletproof Doctor Who is these days, and what worries me the most about the show - barring kids turning against Matt Smith, there isn't any motivation to do anything good with the show. Moffat will have to fight against this ennui, because it obviously hit Davies pretty hard.
Herp said:
I love how Cassie's billed as "poseable" too.
chad said:
this list shows that even doctor who is not immune to bad choices for those who hope who fans would buy anything and glad to see destroyed Cassandra on the list for that thing looked more like it should be considered an asessory not an figure in fact can not believe the thing even got made. and love the store playset idea with the old ladie figures hunting for coupons .
Steve Hester (UK) said:
I saw a whole shelf load of Destroyed Cassandra's in a branch of Woolwoths late last year shortly before the storechain went bust.
My first reaction was WTF ?
I don't know how a small town store had managed to stock what had to be about 20 of these and not worked out they were a rip.
Strangeman said:
...If you wanted a Destoryed Casandra, why wouldn't you just buy a Casandra and... hmm... I don't know... DESTROY IT! That thing looks like the piece of plastic that the ol' school TMNT figures weapon's came attached to when you took them out of the package.
TechnicolorNinja said:
Destroyed Cassandra. Oh my god. During that brainstorming session, didn't anyone in that room for a second consider the fact that selling a scrap of flimsy plastic and marketing it as a villian wasn't the best idea? Did one not think, oh, we can just make the regular Cassandra detachable and actually live up to the claim of 'poseable action figure set'? No? Well, it is a little much to ask...
It's probably just a conspiracy to make more money by melting down the scrap plastic made by the other flop toys at an attempt to be profitable. I love Doctor Who, but, eff me with a pixie stick, who's in charge here?
Phil said:
Did you see the Tardis coffin????
Anonymous said:
You know, thinking about it, the Kylie figure isn't bad at all. Anyone who actually gets their name up in the title sequence is important enough to have a figure.
At least they didn't take a $1 angel from a Christmas display and apply some gold paint to call it one of the Hosts from that episode.
(... they didn't, right...?)
the Dude said:
This list is SPOT on. No disagreements here and I have 50 or so of these figures (+ TARDIS playset) but none on this list.
The news they're shrinking the line to 3 3/4" just depresses me but I hold out hope they'll complete the Doctors before they pull the plug on the 5" line.
I love this toy line madly. truly. deeply.
Xcalibar said:
Destoryed Cassandra? Really? I though having the normal figure single carded was bad enough. I had no idea there was a Kylie Minogue "Astrid" figure! I'm gonna have to track that one down.
Em said:
Londoners, if you require a Kylie figure, go to Forbidden Planet on Shaftsbury Avenue, last time I was in there, there was like 8 billion of them (p.s despite this, she is awesome.)
I'd also like to mention the box of 25 Adipose, an item so amazingly geeky that even my Doctor who fan group refused to believe it existed until I showed them pictures of it.
Wonder how many of them have been extracted from small childrens orfices in hospitals up and down the land???
Cyn said:
Hmmm...they made the Editor fig for the bitches who wanted a Simon Pegg they could do horrible things to (American chicks like Brits).
This line is proof as to why I've really lost interest in the new series. I went from running out and buying the new box sets to barely being able to watch full episodes (thank YOU Catherine Tate).
Zed said:
Funny, because for a lot of folks I know, the Editor figure is the one most sought after.
AJ said:
Did...did anybody buy these? I mean uh. I think they're just losing money here.
Snoodle said:
*snerk* I'd never even seen the Destroyed Cassandra one.
I will also try desperately to suppress my nerd-related rage over your comment on the season 3 finale. I could go in to extensive explanation over it, but I shall refrain.
I'm still waiting for my local comic shop to get an Ianto Jones to go with my Cpt.Jack Harkness figure...it's a sea of Weevils on those pegs and nothing more. Sigh.
Jason Lee said:
I would love to have DR. Who in 3 3\4 scale. I have an extensive Joe collection and I don't like other scale figures for the most part. Having different scales kind of ruins my universe. Suffice to say I would buy all of the bad figures on this list in the right scale. Hopefully they don't make these except for Kylie. Having a maid outfit would be AWESOME!
supergodmasterforce said:
"....And I agree with the editor: Kylie Minogue is awesome.
..."
Neither of you guys ever saw 'Neighbours' I'm guessing ...
Johnny West said:
LOL, OMG dude no way thats just too funny!
Riff
www.privacy.alturl.com
MrBully said:
Destroyed Cassandra?
The only thing funnier then that, is the package: "Poseable Action Figure Set"? What is poseable about a metal rack?
David said:
Beyond that, whats ACTION about a metal rack?
And I'm with some others; they still havent done a 3rd, 7th or 8th Doctor figure yet, and if they go ahead and shrink the line before they get to these, well. Tom Baker will tower over Jon Pertwee, which would just look funny.
John said:
I'll admit that I'm a big fan of Doctor Who, both the old and new series... so I'll wait and see how well Matt Smith does before passing judgment.
Anyway, I think this comment nailed it: ... the myriad of crap from George Lucas....
I seriously wonder if this toy company saw the billions (yes, billions) of dollars that Star Wars had made in merchandising and decided to cash in for themselves. After all, if Lucas can make an action figure of "Prune Face" when it/ he was only seen for 2 seconds in "Return of the Jedi", then why can't this company make an action figure of an alien briefly seen in one episode?
I also wonder if this toy company has the rights to the old series' characters as well? Can we look forward to "Guard #3 from 'The Horns of Nimon'", which every Who-completist must have? Or how about "Gallifreyan Guard from 'Arc of Infinity'", played by Colin Baker before he became the Sixth Doctor? I'd totally buy that action figure. lol
GAJoe said:
Grandma Connolly didn't take people's faces away, the smiling lady on the TV (The Wire) took them, Granny is just a victim.
Ivriniel said:
They're now selling Destroyed Cassandra in a copack with Chip. I thought they'd shipped a defective Cassandra when I saw it.
Newton Gimmick said:
Doctor Who rules... That is all.
Toby said:
Yes, I've always wondered why some characters are released before others. Can anyone can answer why (from the classic series range) there are three versions of (arguably) the least popular doctor - including one that never even existed but on a webcast - before there is even one version of some others??
