Monday, Jun. 29 2009 @ 8:03AM
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It's no wonder barbarian fantasy is the genre of choice among many sexist, mediocre film directors and pulp authors. No other school of fiction provides such an immediate excuse for men to be violent warriors, for women to be easily exploited objects, and for plots to make no real sense. When you're filling a story with bulked-out cavemen and curiously well-groomed women in fur swimsuits, few people will bother criticizing your narrative subtexts.
No one really expects barbarian tales to be smart, and the same goes for the protagonists of such tales. After all, that's their appeal: they're brawny, fearless types who shun the suffocating depravities of civilization and hygiene. Of course, most barbarian chroniclers miss the point of this and end up with heroes who aren't just simple-minded; they're full-blown stupid, and so are their stories. And with the explosion in Conan the Barbarian imitators since the 1980s, we've seen lots of stupid things.
8) Kutchek and Gore
Appearances: The Barbarians
Year: 1987
Italian-made: Yes.
Featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000: No.
By the time The Barbarians emerged, it was 1987 and even the most inept B-movie hacks were starting to realize just how inherently stupid the whole Conan-knockoff genre was. The Barbarians isn't a full-blown parody, but director Ruggero Deodato (who'd made the cult legend Cannibal Holocaust seven years before) knew better than to take it seriously. Bodybuilding twins Peter and David Paul play brothers Kutchek and Gore, who go through a reenactment of Conan's movie backstory: orphaned at a young age, they're sold into slavery and brought up to be gladiators. Oh, and they also walk around oiled-up and shirtless more often than Schwarzenegger ever did in either Conan flick.
There are monsters to be slain, dubbed-over women to be saved, and a trailer to be narrated by Peter "Optimus Prime" Cullen. Between the villain's preposterous look (at a glance, he could be an aged David Bowie) and the constant Clearly Not Homoerotic shots of the stars' rippling beefcakery, it's all way too hokey for us to despise. Not bad for a movie that was, according to one of its cast members, essentially a producer's tax write-off.
7) Cartoon Conan
Appearances: Conan and the Young Warriors
Year: 1994
Italian-made: Nuh-uh
Featured on MST3K: Not a chance.
Sunbow Productions' Conan the Adventurer series wasn't such a bad cartoon. In fact, it was relatively faithful to the Conan the Barbarian ideal laid out in movies and Robert E. Howard's original stories. No one died and the show treated women with a modicum of respect, but the other parts of Conan lore were undoubtedly there.
When Conan the Adventurer left the airwaves in 1993, Sunbow decided to follow it up with a worse idea: instead of pairing Conan with grown-up sidekicks and somewhat dark themes, the sequel clearly needed to put Conan in charge of a trio of three blond kids drawn together by magical "star stones." It's the same idea that gave us Mr. T's cartoon gymnastics team, and it works about as well in Conan and the Young Warriors. Though he's technically the same character as before, Conan seems more comical when he's babysitting barbarian kids.
Sunbow, if you can't even show properly horrific battles with giant snakes, you've got no business adapting Conan the Barbarian.
6) Deathstalker
Appearances: Deathstalker, Deathstalker II, Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell, and Deathstalker IV: Match of Titans
Years: 1983, 1987, 1988, 1990
Italian-made: Nope. The first two were produced in Argentina.
Featured on MST3K: The third Deathstalker movie and its "Renaissance Festivals of the Old West" earned a slot in MST3K's seventh season.
The Deathstalker series was a staple of any locally owned video store that bothered to stock a "fantasy" section in the 1990s. All four Deathstalker films look the same at a glance, their covers decorated with muscled swordsmen and taunt amazons, each one nearly naked and gleaming with that Boris Vallejo brand of oil. Yet they're fairly different movies: the first is straightforward faux-Conan schlock, with Deathstalker (Rick Hill) seeking treasures and instead rescuing a captive princess from pig-people and a bald wizard with a huge spider smashed on the side of his head. Still, it has its purely comedic moments.
The second Deathstalker movie, featuring a new and equally forgettable actor in the title role, plays its sword-and-sorcery nonsense for even more laughs, from the actors who never bother to hide their accents to a dwarf assassin introduced as Buddy "Footstool" LaRosa. It's a terrible, terrible movie packed with as much demeaning, boring claptrap as its contemporaries, but at least it can laugh at itself. And at the expense of women.
Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell tries the same trick, but it's even more awkward about its attempts at comedy. The third Deathstalker actor is easily the most annoying, and his adventures are a pedestrian procession of horse thievery, potato-eating, and painful wisecracking. His foes: a bald wizard (sense a theme?) with the imposing name of Troxartes and a legion of undead warriors who are basically talked out of killing anyone. All of this sets things up for the fourth and final Deathstalker film, which brought back Rick Hill as the title character. He started this mess, and he had to clean it up.
5) Sangraal
Appearances: The Sword of the Barbarians
Year: 1983
Italian-made: And how.
Featured on MST3K: No.
Another Conan clone from Italy, The Sword of the Barbarians has a noble, beefy brute named Sangraal seeking a magic crossbow to avenge the death of his wife (Barbarian Movie-Writing Tip: crossbows, while effective, are just about the least symbolically potent weapon you can put in your movie). Along the way, he's attacked by fake Roman soldiers, advised by a fire god, and seduced by a sorceress wearing only glitter and pasties. He also jumps into the air an awful lot. If you expect more out of a character named after the Holy Grail, you're not only looking in the wrong movie. You're in the wrong genre.
Despite his failings, Sangraal is able to lead a band of rebels even denser than he is, seeing as how they're scared of a snake climbing on pike-mounted bones. There's nothing to be afraid of, because that snake's just as confused as you are, folks.
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30 comments
Comments
zack said:
what about thundarr? he was far from cunning.
Hugo said:
That list reminds me of Korgoth of Barbaria, that never really got a first season.
Eldnah said:
Wow thanks for the great article.
RT
www.incomplete-privacy.tk
Ophenix said:
That Yor guy is so hot >.
sL said:
What about Dave the Barbarian. Yes, it's a children's cartoon, but it's funny as hell.
"Starman" Matt Morrison said:
Good list. I had few words on Deathstalker II.
Everyone out there should try and track down a copy of the DVD release. It's a bit hard to find but it is worth it because - unusually for a movie of this caliber - it has a director's commentary. And it is HILARIOUS! Because the director, the guy who played Deathstalker and the woman who played the main villainess all start playing MST3K: The Home Game with it.
If nothing else, you wind up respecting them a lot more. First, because they admit it was a pretty bad movie and second because after hearing some of their stories, you realize it could have been a lot worse.
Basically, they wound up improvising the whole movie and decided to make it a comedy after they got to Argentina and realized that their 'movie studio' doubled as a garbage dump for the locals, only a dozen of their actors spoke any English at all, that a freeway ran right past the one stretch of land you could ride a horse on safely (hence why nearly all the scenes with horses are shot at night... too much traffic noise during the day) and - oh yes - the script we were given sucks and there's no way we can do it.
Geoff said:
Say what you want about The Barbarians' muscle shots, but at least they don't look like a guy who occasionally works out at the Y like the lead actor in Yor.
Morwen09 said:
I'm so glad Grignr of Eye of Argon made the list. For more evidence of his sheer dumbness, I submit the scene where he gets locked in the evil king's dungeon, and within mere minutes, has lost track of all time and begins to go mad.
Indie said:
@ Morwen09
...and escapes by using a sharpened rat pelvis as a weapon, which he then immediately (and inexplicably) stows in his loin cloth. Yes, Grignr belongs on this list. Also, Im pretty sure I've seen Yor before. Was it ever released on VHS back in the day?
chad said:
nice list. though i only have ever seen death stalker and the conan and the warrior king cartoon which if one wants to see how cartoon creators think even real bad ideas work check them out and deathstalkers worth tracking down for laughs. as for eye of aragon will not touch that ever. and surprised thunder did not make the list
Brion said:
Some awesome stinkers here. Those good old Italian! They know how to make some winners.
I can't remember the name of this film, but a few years ago I watched one where the guy would shoot these electric arrows, fought swamp monsters, and titties abound! I swear it was one of those classic Fulci films.
Mecha-Shiva said:
Korgoth of Barbaria would be like in it's 3rd season by now if there was any justice in the world (and Frisky Dingo and/or the Xtacles would still be on).
Saffer said:
Is it weird that I find Yor's theme song kind of awesome?
Wyngarde said:
You leave Yor alone! THe leftover sets from "Starcrash" are wonderful as is the song the plays when he does anything!
Now if you want a test of all test in barbarian movies...Go watch "Conquest". It will tear your SOUL apart!
Jeremy said:
Where's the overrated loser He-Man?
Albo loves Yor said:
You forgot to mention that in addition to his theme song playing, Yor's balls and ass also show whenever he does anything.
Ah, movies made in Italy.
As a side note, 90s band Soul Coughing quotes "Yor, Yor, he's a man, he's a man." in their song Casiotone Nation.
Ann said:
What, no barbarians from the comics? Groo would have kicked these guys' butts.
GAJoe said:
Don't forget Gunan from The Invincible Barbarian.
David J. West said:
Gotta laugh at Wyngarde's mention of Conquest. It was a joint Italian-Spanish-Mexican production and had what appeared to be an older brother of Ator with a non-sensical plot. I tried to follow it and just couldn't dreadful music and a topless chick who wore what looked like a C3-PO mask, she moaned with a python wrapping around her. maybe she could be a better mascot for Topless Robot?
Rob said:
Who can send me a screencap of the topless robot from Conquest? For my, uh... collection?
Motivational Smart Ass said:
As a kid who loved the fantasy/sword and sorcery genre, I remember seeing commercials for Yor and thinking, "that looks awesome!" Let me amend that - I saw only *1* commercial, and I think the movie was in local theaters for a day. I never forgot about it though, and first chance I could I watched it on VHS. Even as a youngster I think I lost interest in about 10 minutes. I look back on that and think, "hmm, maybe I should revisit my youth and give Yor another shot" Your post has opened my eyes to the idiocy of that idea.
Thanks for the stroll down memory lane.
NomadX said:
Tell that warrior king isn't voiced by Micheal Dorn. It is so eerie.
Shadow said:
The Warrior King is indeed Michael Dorn.
And to Ann, who brought up Groo, someday I'm buying you a drink.
lou-bert vs. q-bert said:
Reb Brown was also Captain America in a few awful TV movies that were intended to become TV shows.
Mr Shrubber said:
That villain looking like an aged David Bowie (in The Barbarians)? That's Richard Lynch you're talking about. Nobody disses The Lynch and lives!
Ramone said:
@zack, Lords of Light! Thundarr was the man--what he lacked in brains he made up in a rip off lightsaber and pet Mok (basically Chewbacca). That show was at least entertaining. Most of these are unwatchable.
Papasan said:
"Taut" Amazons, not taunt. To taunt is to ridicule.
RaZZo said:
Cool!
but no Groo The Wanderer?
Michael said:
"A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell" would have gotten my vote. I wish Troma would have bought more dinosaur movies...
Al Harron said:
What's depressing about all these terrible barbarian movies is that Robert E. Howard's intelligent, thoughtful and philosophical Conan stories are obscured by the legions of terrible imitators.
Conan as Howard wrote him was disarmingly intelligent. He could speak and read over a dozen languages, he was well versed in local history, customs, geology and palaeontology(!), he listened intently to Wise Men and Philosophers, he treated men and women with respect and dignity unless they crossed him. The very first story Conan appeared him, Conan was holding not a sword, nor a flagon of ale, nor a busty wench - but a stylus, which he was using to draw a map, while talking to his closest general about the political state of the kingdom.
Of course, what do the imitators take from these stories? A big muscular barbarian who distrusts sorcery and civilization, buxom wenches and evil wizards to slay. They completely miss the complexity and multi-faceted layers of the originals, and assume that it's all about the wish-fulfillment and misogynistic power fantasies.
At least Conan the Barbarian, while bearing no resemblance to the original stories, tried to have some philosophical depth, and put some actual effort into its creation.
