At least the Baroness' SUV has this spiky bumper thing that somehow flips cars 40 feet into the air. And the Joes do have the accelerator suits.
This is not the epic G.I. Joe battle I wanted to see on screen. Please tell me at least the five Joes put on those goofy accelerator suits --
Five? Ha ha! No, there's only two. And they give them to the new guys, Duke and Ripcord. Ripcord falls down a lot.
This is pitiful.
Would it make you feel any better if I told you Scarlett stole some random French guy's motorcycle and gave chase?
Good, because eventually the Baroness shoots her bike, Scarlett leaps 40-feet vertically off it (strong thighs!), Ripcord catches her, sets her down, and then she gets back in the van anyways.
Please tell me they actually manage to stop the SUV in the accelerator suits.
No, but they do cause millions in property damage throughout Paris.
Does Snake Eyes stop the car at least?
Well, it's hit by a train. But it's implied Snake Eyes wanted it to get hit by a train, so maybe there's a connection there.
...uh, but Storm Shadow fires the missile at the Eiffel Tower and it gets destroyed anyways.
Of course it does.
Still, Duke manages to use his accelerator suit to leap into the departing Cobra jet, turn off the fail-safe switch on the bomb's remote thus saving the rest of Paris, although he immediately gets captured.
In his superpowerful accelerator suit.
He took his helmet off.
Wait, I thought Destro just wanted to destroy the Eiffel Tower anyways. So did G.I. Joe just fail utterly?
Not exactly. At some point the bad guys' plan morphed into annihilating Paris.
Then couldn't Storm Shadow have just fired his nanomite rocket launcher anywhere in Paris? Wouldn't that have worked perfectly fine, and gotten to the Eiffel Tower eventually?
Yes, but it's the principle of the thing.
Cobra has principles?
Evil principles. Now, hush, child, because I'm about to blow your mind. The Baroness and crew take back Duke to their super-secret under-Arctic-waters headquarters, where he meets the Doctor, the dude responsible for all of Destro's crazy nanotechnology, who is actually... Rex!
Yes! Rex! Duke's former best friend and the Baroness' brother, thought dead in battle! He's alive!
I heard about that. It's a really, really stupid twist, and an utterly unnecessary addition to the story, let alone the franchise.
Ah... but what if I told you... the Doctor was...cool?
I wouldn't believe you.
Well, maybe not cool, but he was perfectly fine. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is actually a truly good actor, and even when he's playing a character as ridiculous as "The Doctor," he chews just the right amount of scenery. He plays the mad scientist card perfectly, does a great job with the other actors, his motivations are good--
Well, not his origin, specifically, which consists of him being an incredibly brilliant guy and soldier taken into combat as "the science guy" on some mission with Duke. He's sent into some bunker to "do his thing" (seriously, that's all the script gives us) and it blows up. Everyone assumes he died, Rex immediately turns evil, joins Destro, and makes nanotech. Since Duke effectively killed her brother, he dumps the Baroness and never faces her, just like a Real american Hero would. At some point Rex injects her with nanotech and makes her evil.
So the Baroness is a good person?
At heart. Yes.
And what was the problem with her character just being evil?
I could not say.
Sigh. Wait, what are the four Joes who are apparently left on active duty doing?
Oh, they've been arrested by the French.
For fuck's sake. Maybe G.I. Joe doesn't need to be a top secret "non-extistent" world military organization then.
It could be argued. The French release them after making them promise to never come back.
That's very kind of them.
Sure is. At any rate, Breaker shoves some metal rods in a dead Viper's skull and figures out that Destro's base in in the arctic.
He shoves what into a dead guy's skull?
Some metal rods.
Dude, that's fucked up.
I just work here, man. It ends up leading to the final act where Joes attack Destro's base.
Is it epic?
Well, yes and no. There's a huge underwater battle between two types of ships that look pretty much identical. None of these pilots are seen on screen except for Heavy Duty. There a big Joe submarine that gets damaged and we can hear people on it, but we never see them.
And the epic part?
Oh, that is the epic part. The other part consists of the same remaining three guys -- Snake Eyes, Breaker and Scarlett -- entering the base through some sort of lightly guarded ice cave with an elevator, which is when Destro launches the three remaining nanotech bombs in missiles aimed for major cities. Snake Eyes jumps on some sort of skimobile and shoots one down, then Ripcord gets in one of Destro's conveniently parked jets to shoot down the others, which are head to Moscow and Washington DC.
Arrgh! Utterly ignoring the jet parked in the ice garage, I assume the other three Joes go to rescue Duke?
No, not exactly. Snake Eyes finds and fights Storm Shadow for a while. Breaker and Scarlett go and look at a monitor which shows the missiles. For some reason.
What about Duke?
Oh, he escapes on his own, burns Destro's face off, gets the remote control to the Baroness, and escapes with her, although they both decide to chase down the submarine containing Destro and Rex instead of really escaping. Oh, and the arctic headquarters is detonated at some point. It really doesn't affect anybody.
And what about the bombs?
Ripcord shoots the one headed to Moscow down, then flies to DC -- he's apparently going Mach 6, so it's semi-feasible if you don't think too hard about it -- but can't shoot the second one. It explodes, but Ripcord kind of catches all the nanotech on his plane and flies it into the atmosphere.
Although that sounds ludicrous, why can Ripcord even fly this Mach 6 jet? Isn't he airborne infantry?
I think the producers just assumed "Ripcord" was referring to something to do with planes, not parachutes. Although he does eject from the jet somewhere near the upper reaches of the atmosphere.
Then he would die.
Probably. But it's kind of cool because when he ejects, the plane throws this protective outfit around him, which looks like the old Wild Weasel figure.
Huh. That is kind of cool.
It is. Although it would be cooler if it had shown up in any of the subsequent shots of Ripcord, like when he's falling through the sky or landing on the White House lawn.
Yeah. He apparently took it off somewhere around 10,000 feet or so.
Okay. Please tell me the movie is over.
Pretty much. Rex covers Destro's burned face with nanomachines which replicates his evil arms dealer ancestor's mask, then he himself puts on a new, far stupider mask and demands that Destro call him Commander. And then they immediately get captured by the Joes and thrown in jail.
WHAT THE FUCK
What? It's what happens.
HOW HAS COBRA RISEN IN ANY WAY DURING THIS MOVIE
Well, they managed to kill the president of the United States and replace him with Zartan.
Whatever! Destro and Cobra Commander are still in jail!
Yes. Admittedly, perhaps "The Troubled Beginning of Cobra" or "The Lateral Move of Cobra" might have been more accurate.
There's still more nonsense to go! Somehow!