By Ethan Kaye in
Daily Lists, Movies
Thursday, Dec. 3 2009 @ 8:01AM
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However, there's one question that every badass action movie star should know the answer to: Since you're a hit action star, wouldn't it be cute if you did something lighthearted for a change? The answer is always HELLZ FRIGGIN' NO. Never take the easy money, action heroes, because you're not broadening your appeal -- you're just destroying your credibility for future badass roles. Do too many stupid comedies where you have to take care of children and they teach you a valuable lesson and you'll never make an action movie again. So keep making movies where shit blows up. Don't make the same mistakes these actors did! 9) Vin Diesel in The Pacifier
Vin Diesel had it all. He name was synonymous with bad attitude and rage. He could probably have beaten a guy to death on the street and gotten away with it by calling it "research for a role where I beat a guy to death." Then he did The Pacifier (or, as it's known in the Philippines, Gnome -- thanks, IMDB!) and people stopped taking him and his pects seriously. Vin gets to direct the Sound of Music, teach Girl Scouts, and do the Peter Panda Dance. He also stars with Brad Garrett, a former Star Search winner, who has never, and will never star in a badass movie. He does not, at any time, punch someone so hard their teeth shoot out the back of their neck, and the movie suffers for that.
8) Cuba Gooding Jr. in Boat Trip
Make no mistake, Cuba Gooding Jr. did some badass stuff back in the day (Judgment Night, Gladiator, Boyz N The Hood). Then he did (almost in sequence) Rat Race, Snow Dogs, and Boat Trip. All of which sucked, but only one of which got a 7% fresh rating on rottentomatoes.com. Boat Trip can be considered a comedy almost as much as Gooding's Men of Honor or Outbreak can, mostly because they all contain the same amount of laughs (and only one was about a killer virus). The whole plot is that Cuba and his friend Horatio Sanz accidentally go on a gay cruise. They somehow expect to find babes, like the audience is expected to find humor in the premise but both fail utterly. He has not made a good movie in years.
7) Kurt Russell in Captain Ron
America would have been happy if Kurt just went through life killing street thugs and aliens (fact: Kurt Russell was indirectly responsible for the plots of 92% of Nintendo games in the '80s), but of course he had to let his hair down and take a comedy role against Martin Short, who's not funny and never will be. And Short was playing the straight man to Kurt's incessant mugging. No one found this funny, no one found this entertaining, but you can usually find this for $5 at the Wal-Mart bargain bin.
6) Sylvester Stallone in Oscar
Oscar is a film that succeeds in doing what the Afghani terrorists in Rambo III couldn't: cut Stallone's nuts off. Fresh off Rocky V and Tango and Cash, Stallone slums it by playing a mob boss whom everyone insults and talks down to, especially his shrewish wife, played by Omella Muti (the poor man's Annette Bening). It's supposed to be a comedy, and it's not totally unfunny, but watching Sly Stallone get yelled at over and over again is as disheartening as watching a clown pee on your comatose grandmother. And yes, we could have said Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot, but that would have been taking the easy way out.
5) Clint Eastwood in Space Cowboys
Space Cowboys is a movie for old people, by old people, and probably financed by Nazi gold stolen from old people. Clint takes a break from eating Communism and shitting America to play an old man who takes his equally old buddies on a trip to space. They have adventures that don't involve old West gunplay, a hilarious orangutan, or firing a gun at the Scorpio Killer. Want to see this movie now? You're probably old.
4) Tommy Lee Jones in Man of the House
"Hey Tommy Lee! You were great in The Missing, just great, and I have a question for you."
"Okay, shoot."
"You know that No Country For Old Men is a few years off, right? Well how about you star in a film where you're a sheriff who goes undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach?"
"Hmmm... does it have Cedric the Entertainer?"
"Sure does! And it won't be watchable at all. Ever."
"Where do I sign, young man?"
3) Samuel L. Jackson in The Man
Eugene Levy has made a career playing the same neurotic character he did in American Pie, which is okay because Sam Jackson has played the same angry character since when he held up John Amos's restaurant in Coming to America. Put them together and the laughs are expected, but fail to materialize. And it's not a wussy role for Sam, he maintains the same level of rage he always does, but it really handicaps him, always getting stuck behind Levy's whine. It's hard to fault Jackson's performances (after all, he only has two emotions, "angry" and "more belligerent") but his choice of roles?
2) Chuck Norris in Top Dog
Everyone's talking about how badass Chuck Norris is and how he's the manliest dude ever, but have any of these internet know-it-alls ever seen Top Dog? He's a cop who gets partnered with a dog. Real action heroes don't get partnered with dogs. Know who did get partnered with dogs? Tom Hanks and Jim Belushi. They're not action stars. They never put their foot through a guy's face. They've probably never even done a push-up that wasn't on their knees like a girl. So this just proves one fact: if you need money, and that Delta Force threequel isn't getting off the ground, you partner with a dog.
1) Arnold Schwarzenegger in Junior
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you thought we'd go with Jingle All the Way, but we're a classy website. You remember Junior though, it's the one where the governor of California gets pregnant. Maybe the world was so hungry for another Schwarzenegger/DeVito team-up that they would accept any load of dung that came into theaters. Jokes about a pregnant man can go only so far, and after he's rattled off his 50th "it's something a pregnant woman would say but it is funny because I am a man" line, we just hope that the kid is an alien chest hugger that exits through Arnie's sternum with lots and lots of blood. Then moves on to Emma Thompson.
105 comments
Comments
Dread said:
Brad Garrett was in Suicide Kings. Does that count as a badass movie?
denis Kang replied to Dread:
'Oscar is a film that succeeds in doing what the Afghani terrorists in Rambo III couldn't: cut Stallone's nuts off.'
Rambo was fighting with the Afghanis against the russians..../have you even seen it?
Posted 12/03/2009 at 04:18:45 PM
Anonymous replied to denis Kang:
Ugh. Yes, I saw it. I loved it. I haven't seen it in years. I didn't re-research it for the article. I'm sorry.
Scortia replied to Dread:
Any movie involving Christopher Walken totally owning a group of guys while tied down to a chair is pretty badass.
Arcane replied to Scortia:
Stop it, just stop it! You had me at Walken.
You had me at Walken.
Moran said:
Good list. Honorable mention for Jack Palance in Cops and Robbersons.
GalvaTRION said:
This is a terrible list.
Clint did Bridges of Madison County, for God's sake, and you chose Space Cowboys, which is a decent film. Kurt Russel was in Dreamer, a movie about a little girl and her horsie.
Shame and woe unto you, sir.
KennyP replied to GalvaTRION:
Space Cowboys? Really?
There are FAR WORSE movies that Clint made.
Paint your wagon is a MUSICAL WESTERN!!!
FFS - Space Cowboys is 5 stars compared to that stinking pile of cellulose.
Hell - he acted better in his first role (uncredited) in Revenge of the Creature...
doc_ock_4mugen said:
Isn't Brad Garrett the voice of LOBO in the DCAU? That's got to give him some badass points... Would mentioning Hulk Hogan's rock & Roll Wrestling knock them back?
Beppo replied to doc_ock_4mugen:
Hey, I just mentioned to someone last night that Brad Garret did the voice of Lobo in Superman: TAS (was Lobo in any other DCAU shows?) and he was all, "There was a DCAU Lobo?" and I was all "Shit, yeah!" and he was all "That's very interesting."
And now that Netflix has finally started carrying the second season of Superman:TAS you can actually see these shows.
mourghan said:
all I have to say is Captin Ron was my favorite movie when I was 8. .... So i'm not really sure what that says about myself.
nightcrawler666 replied to mourghan:
Of course, you have Kurt in an eyepatch, always good, and nekkidness from the mother in the shower scene. Just thank Chthullu we did not see Martin Short naked.
Manofmayhem replied to nightcrawler666:
Captain Ron is the shit! That and Overboard. Kurt Russell and a water-based plot is always a good idea.
Brian replied to Manofmayhem:
Clearly, you haven't seen "Poseidon".
wsedc replied to Brian:
cthulu jumped the shark, with family guy, zombies and cats.
anyone who mentions them in a non derisive way is a wanksheet.
Lugh replied to wsedc:
what if you're actually talking about the HP Lovecraft stories and not doing some sort of obnoxious "well I wanna say 'thank god' here but I'm an internet atheist so I'll substitute a character I have no clue about other than memes" thing?
Skeletor said:
"eating communism and shitting America" is a phrase that needs to find its way into many a conversation, now. That's my goal.
And wow...at first I thought TR might have a fact wrong with Cuba being in Gladiator, 'til I realized there were two movies of the same name. Completely forgot about Cuba's.
Hmmm... replied to Skeletor:
Agreed! This is the funniest thing I've read all freaking year.
BT replied to Skeletor:
Perhaps you'll enjoy this. http://www.flickr.com/photos/9621840@N06/4160152831/
Free Movies & TV said:
This was a great list but I have to admit I secretly loved 'Junior' I know I know I'm a chick but I've got a thing for Arnold, he cracks me up even in his basass roles.
Kevin said:
Yeah, I was trying to figure out where Cuba was in Gladiator, too. lol
Who is Good Will? said:
You forgot all of Dwayne Johnson's "family friendly" comedies. F'in Sweet Fanny Moses, the guy could have out Vin'd Vin Diesel, and now he's the 21st century Dean Jones.
Coming soon froooooom Fox: By day he's an insurance salesman! By night, he's trying to find out if his cat his from outer space! Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson stars in "That Darn Cat."
Johanna Marie replied to Who is Good Will?:
If they remade That Darn Cat again with The Rock, no one will have a reason to remember Doug E. Doug anymore! Cool Runnings can only take a man so far.
JOE said:
I'm sorry but I just got done watching Judgement Night again (it's been rotating on cale for a while) and it is totally cheesy and proves that Cuba has always been about as badass as Emilio Estevez.
Lonestarr said:
Good list. As soon as I saw the topic title, I thought, 'if Schwarzenegger in Junior doesn't top the list, there's something deeply wrong with the order of the universe'.
However, Outbreak had its share of (intentionally) funny lines. Hell, it's probably funnier than Boat Trip.
Tally said:
I loved Captain Ron. Kurt Russell did a great job. But you are right. I saw Captain Ron before the "Escape" movies and I love him in them all.
But still great list.
bort said:
Notable errors: 1) Omission of George Clooney in Batman and Robin - one of the coolest actors alive in what SHOULD be the most badass role around and we got....that.
2) While I can't speak to the rest of his career, Martin Short was hilarious in that episode of Arrested Development. "My God, you're an Army man! I was never in the Army, I was in the movin' pictures."
3) You forgot The Rock in...just about everything he's ever done.
Bunny Fu said:
C'mon, The Man wasn't Sam's wussiest role, how about the Long Kiss Goodnight where he does essentially the "female love interest/"I am totally freaked out by how badass you are" sidekick role without the "love interest"?
Isn't Dwayne doing that movie that Arnold turned down in the 90's, the "Tooth Fairy"?
mrm1138 replied to Bunny Fu:
Are you kidding? Mitch gets shot to shit and survives to save the day! How is that not badass? Not only that, but he gets the best one-liners of the entire movie.
front toward everybody said:
"Chest hugger"?
You mean "Chest burster." The "facehugger" does the implanting of the egg, the "chest burster" is the resulting offspring.
Sheesh, you need to learn about your xenomorph birds and bees.
wil said:
I love Top Dog. It has Nazi clowns in it. Or maybe my memories a bit hazy as I saw it at 3am, drunk, five years ago
TyphlosionDragon said:
cuba gooding jr was not in gladiator. I CALL SHENANIGANS
Jack replied to TyphlosionDragon:
Cuba WAS in Gladiator...
SHENANIGANS replied to TyphlosionDragon:
Hi, this is Shenanigans! I can't answer your call now as I'm currently watch Gladiator, the 1992 boxing film starring a young yet still bad-ass Cuba Gooding Jr., not to be confused with the 2000 sand-and-sandals homage film of the same name starring Russell Crowe. Please leave a message and I'll reply as quickly as it takes to do a quick wikipedia search.
nightcrawler666 replied to SHENANIGANS:
And Encore is now showing ad nauseum, probably right now!
Statch said:
I know the film isn't out yet but, what about Quinton "Rampage" Jackson as Sgt. B. A. Baracus?
demoncat said:
can not belive hulk hogans no hold bars is not on the list. as for the list . this just proves that even legends like Clint East can wind up with one bad film ones that even walmart will not want to touch except for the bargin bins.
LAY said:
Good list. But it is a time honored standard for aging action stars to bridge themselves into family-friendly comedies, positioning themselves to have some kind of continuing career when they're credibility as an ass-kicker has faded away.
And what about Dinero? He's done like a bijillion wussy roles, or at least cartoonish satires of his previous tough-guy roles.
Statch said:
Actually, I've changed my mind....
I'm goin with Andrew Bryniarski, who was "Leatherface" in both Texas Chainsaw re-makes, in his role as Zangief in the Street Fighter movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olmkMs7314o
Also, notice chun-li is played by Ming-na aka Camille Ray from Stargate Universe.
tasakeru828 said:
Oh, c'mon. Rat Race was actually really funny, even if it was shamelessly ripping off It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World. The scene where Cuba is driving the tour bus full of I Love Lucy enthusiasts in full costume still cracks me up when I think about it.
darthbogus said:
When did Cuba Gooding Jr become a badass actor?
MattK said:
I always figured "Man of the House" was made because someone saw "Double Jeopardy" and laughed their ass off at Tommy Lee Jones being the warden of a halfway house.
rj472 said:
Arnold was a bigger wuss in "The Villian" as a charachter named "Handsome Stranger." He wore a powder blue cowboy suit, hated violence and wouldn't return Ann-Margret's sexual advances.
Coralskipper said:
Nothing about Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson? That dude went from rightfully earning his badass stripes in the WWE to doing nothing but crappy family films.
Captain Spadge said:
You can hate Oscar, but at least it's better than Godfather 3.
Arcane replied to Captain Spadge:
But godfather three didn't have Tim Curry, eh?
Drakonnen said:
Oscar is a great movie.
And Stallone plays a mob boss, who is taking some abuse only because he is trying to go straight.
By the end of the movie he goes back to his old ways, essentially has two love interests, and daughters by two separate chicks, this in the 1930's.
I'd say that's pretty bad ass.
Wonder Woman said:
I'm with all of you on "The Rock".I think he could redeem himself if he would stop doing all of the kiddie movies. I don't see a redemption in sight with movies like Planet 51 or The Tooth Fairy....
Gnomemaster said:
Man, I had a scare there when you said Cuba Gooding Junior was in Gladiator. I was like whaaa? I've seen Gladiator a gillion times and I never once saw him. So I googled it. You meant Gladiator the 1992 film with Brian Denehy and Rowdy Herrington.
Tierney said:
Angelina Jolie in Life or Something Like It. At any given moment she could kick Cuba Gooding Jr.'s ass.
ticknart said:
You lie! It's always fun to watch Stallone getting yelled at over and over again. It what he deserves for Judge Dredd, Rocky V, and Staying Alive.
Rob said:
In all fairness, Ethan did include The Rock on his list, but I took him out because I didn't think him either badass or a good enough actor to be included. So you can blame me for that.
Yeah, because Rock's a worse actor than Vin Diesel, Arnie, and Sly.
Say what?
(to add to his badass cred, he played at The U during the mid-90s when they were basically a street gang that happened to play football once a week. Which is more badass than anything anyone else on this list has done other than Eastwood merely being himself.)
skeeter said:
Filthy Critic summed up "The Man" perfectly:
maachubo said:
Hulk Hogan is mentioned twice in the comments above, but neither time for his wussy role. Mr. Nanny, anyone?
And before you claim Hogan never played a badass, he was in No Holds Barred where he beat up Tiny "Zeus" Lister, after they show Zeus training by punching cinderblocks. Sure the montage of Rocky and Ivan Drago was awesome, but at no time did either man punch cinderblocks to be a better wrestler. That is badass.
El Calor said:
Im not impressed with this list. Space Cowboys was still badass, considering how old the guys were when they made it. Pink Cadillac would have been the Eastwood movie to go for.
Captain Ron was a good movie as well back in the day, and I have to agree with everyone else who says that Cuba Gooding Jnr was never considered badass, he gets badassed off the screen in Gladiator by Brian Dennehy.
There are plenty of other examples of badasses going soft, The Rock being the prime example, but dont forget about Russell Crowe in A Good Year, Harrison Ford in Sabrina or Six Days Seven Nights and Christopher Walken in Puss in Boots!!!!
"Pink Cadillac would have been the Eastwood movie to go for."
Bridges of Madison County would certainly be close to that.
Anonymous replied to El Calor:
I would say that Walken taking a role in the Country Bears would top that. Still, I never associate Walken with "action star", he's a dramatist. Same with Russell Crowe. All they do is drama and that outweighs their badass action cred.
Arcane replied to El Calor:
No Walken was the fucking king in Puss 'n Boots. He's the only thing that spares that movie from the Israeli suckfest that it is. Though it's clearly the entire basis for the movie Shrek.
The Man With Two Brains said:
I've hated Chuck Norris for years now because of those fucking jokes. THEY STOPPED BEING FUNNY BACK IN 2002, PEOPLE!!!
Brian replied to The Man With Two Brains:
Chuck Norris is so badass his jokes made people sick three years before they even existed.
The Movie Man said:
Space Cowboys and Rat Race were great. Clint was still badass because of being that old to do something only the younger ones could do. Cuba Gooding has never been badass. Oscar was funny, and Sly was perfect for the role. Junior was just stupid, and Kindergarten Cop was not much better, though I still love the line "It's not a tumuh!" As far as Christopher Walken goes, his wuss role was trying to be a badass in Country Bears. VinRock (I put them together because neither can act and they are basically the same person) hasn't made anything worth watching or calling badass. TLJ is badass in anything he touches, so you can take him off your list.
Brian replied to The Movie Man:
The Rundown was decent.
Count Spatula said:
I would have went with Sly in 'Rhinestone' with Dolly Parton. At least in 'Oscar' he's a mobster. In 'Rhinestone' Dolly is trying to make him into a country singer.
thelordofhell replied to Count Spatula:
"Rhinestone" was one of the most prophetic movies ever. Case in point.....
Stallone's character is bombing at the end of the movie, then he says, "I'm goin' down, I'm goin' down MY way!!". He then does an incredible impersonation of most modern country music being done today. It's rather amazing.
Patracolos said:
The only problem i have with the list is that most of the time when people sign on to do really kick ass rolls the studios have the horrible abortions of scripts that they want to make, so in order for the really kick ass version to be done, they will make the actors sign on to do these other "career killing" movies that they normally wouldn't.
What I am saying is, that it is the STUDIOS that made them do these rolls, not the actors or their agents.
DGEL said:
Umm, not a well known movie, but Stardust and Robert De Niro. He was a captain, a cross-dressing captain...
The Man With Two Brains replied to DGEL:
A BADASS crossdressing captain whose crew takes out elite soldiers to the tune of (if I remember correctly) the Can Can!
Captain Shakespeare is fucking awesome!
Reno replied to DGEL:
I know that movie... sucked balls compared to the book, but that's another thread...
How bizarre was De Niro in that??? no words, really... well, maybe... prancing?
Ethan replied to Reno:
See, I don't consider DeNiro an action star at all. He does drama which has exciting parts but he's generally a cop or a mobster and neither gets much swinging out of helicopter shooting a gun time. Walken and Crowe are the same way, they're dramatic actors, not action stars. Crowe's dramatic roles far outshine his action ones now and Walken never did action roles.
Dennis Kang said:
'Oscar is a film that succeeds in doing what the Afghani terrorists in Rambo III couldn't: cut Stallone's nuts off.'
Rambo was fighting with the Afghanis against the russians..../have you even seen it?
Geoff replied to Dennis Kang:
I'm 95% convinced that Sly is going to try and re-film the ending of Rambo III one day, where he turns on the Afghanis at the end of the movie and kills them off too.
Bingo said:
Great list. The Pacifier is not the best movie that Vin Diesel has performed but he looks so hot there!
John Woods said:
LOL Top Dog was like the dumbest movie of ALL time!
RT
www.be-invisible.ua.tc
DTS said:
I guess I'm the only one who watches the videos in these, or did no one else notice that Space Cowboys up there is a half minute of playtime from a video game?
Webpadawan replied to DTS:
LOL and I looking for that trailer because i never hear about that movie!
brad said:
Junior was amazing.
Mike said:
5 words....Mark Wahlberg in "The Happening"
Tyler said:
How about Gerard Butler in almost every movie since 300.
Arcane replied to Tyler:
I think that's another list. 8 Wussy actors in Badass roles.
jedieb said:
Space Cowboys was pretty decent. Yes, I'm old and wake up, you will be too one day! YOU ALL WILL! And I'm yelling because that's what we old people do, we yell at young punks for no apparent reason.
Chris said:
Ha, this is nice.
Asat said:
Eugene Levy had a fine career LONG before American Pie, and it did not involve neurotic whining. Bobby Bittman, Rockin' Mel Slirrup, every Christopher Guest film...and perhaps the pinnacle of his career: Heavy Metal's Captain Lincoln Fuckin' Sternn!
I'm just sayin' is all. Gene had it on the ball when Samuel Jackson was still guesting on "Spencer For Hire".
Jason said:
Oscar's one of my favorite movies
Real Estate Owner said:
I dont think the rock will stop making kiddie movies anytime soon. Didn't he have a contract with Disney or something?
Arcane replied to Real Estate Owner:
He's trying to break out of his WWE box
cocacolaoso said:
What ever happened to Cuba Gooding Jr's career? Cuba nowadays just does straight to DVD fodder. Sadly he turned into the 2000s version of Eric Roberts. He could had been a contender, a real badass, what went wrong?
Walt said:
What? No mention of Ice Cube?! He went from friggin' NWA to "Are We There Yet?"
Hachiko said:
Is the 'wussy' qualifier 'wussy' as a character or just a bad, lighthearted movie? If the latter is the case, the winner is Bruce Willis for Hudson Hawk, a movie that was only badass in that it bankrupted TriStar.
Honorable mention:
Christian Bale in Newsies (an inverted nod, as it was a pre-badass wussy role)
Hugh Jackman in Kate & Leopold
Anonymous said:
I don't know where IMDB got their info, but Pacifier was released in the Philippines as... The Pacifier.
Jabrwock said:
Oh come one. "Oscar"? The whole point was that he was getting crapped on while trying to "go straight". You see him every time he gets yelled at, giving that look of "oh I wish I could pop you one, but I promised my poppa I'd be good".
Hence why he gives up in the end and goes back to being a "proper" mobster. He did everything in his power to go straight, and it brought him nothing but trouble.
Johanna Marie said:
Before I saw it, I would've been with you 100% on The Pacifier, but then I did and you know what happened? I loved it. Yeah, it was absurd and some parts were eye-roll worthy, but you watch it and you can tell it was a Thomas Lennon/Robert Ben Garant joint, and those two gentlemen are funny. Even with the wholly disagreeable Brad Garrett in it, I still find The Pacifier to be a fun, mostly clever, and not at all embarrassing part of the Vin Diesel library.
I totally agree with the premise of the list, but unlike Arnold, Cuba, or Sly, Vin actually got to wail on a lot of people in his movie. Just because you're taking care of a baby doesn't mean you can't kick ass as well. In fact, it's one of the traits I look for in a man.
Barry said:
Wait a sec... the fuck?
Horatio Sanz got a feature role in a MOVIE?!?
The fuck???
Kryptik said:
Don't forget Arnold in "Twins", Sylvelster in the Spy Kids End Game.
http://youcanbebetter.ning.com
Follow me: www.twitter.com/kryptiksoul
