Fan Fiction Friday: Batman and Robocop in "The Day the Men Found Love"

By Rob Bricken in Comics, Movies, Nerdery
Friday, January 29, 2010 at 2:08 pm
bat_robo.jpg
Ladies and gentlemen, there are several things you need to know about this FFF before you read it:

• It was written by ComicsNix, of the now legendary Logan/Cyclops/Jean Grey story "day of reckoning."
• It's not nearly as insane as "day of reckoning" in content; i.e., no one is cannibalized alive.
• It's actually kind of tame, especially compared to "day of reckoning." So why am I running it?
• BECAUSE IT'S ABOUT BATMAN AND ROBOCOP. I have been waiting for this story ever since I started FFF.

Much thanks to Slegos for letting me know of this little masterpiece. OH, BUT DON'T STEAL MY IMAGE OF BATMAN AND ROBOCOP BECAUSE I MADE IT ALL RIGHT AND NO ONE COULD HAVE EVER POSSIBLY THOUGHT OF PUTTING TWO PICTURES SIDE BY SIDE BEFORE THIS ONE IF YOU STEAL IT I WITHOUT CREDITING ME I WILL SUE YOU IN INTERNET COURT. [NOTE: Worried that someone would steal my Batman/Robocop images-bext-to-each-other photoshop masterpiece, TR commenter citizenzero080 kindly made me the above substitute. DON'T STEAL IT EITHER OR WE'LL BOTH SUE YOU IN INTERNET COURT. --Rob] Now let's get this party started, shall we?


Bruce Wayne was paying a visit to Detroit City, because a cousin of him was very sick. So Bruce Wayne went with his choffer there, but was very cautious, because he took his Bat-Suit with him.

You might think ComicsNix has mispelled "chauffer," but I believe that "choffer" is probably more accurate. You've heard of fluffers, right? Well, this would be Bruce Wayne's fluffer of his chode, or "choffer."

When the choffer arrived with the limo, Bruce got out of his car and entered cousin Oliver building. It was a very tall and dark place, full of gargoyles and lightened torches all over the wall. As Bruce went up the stairs, he noted the hand-rail was full of a strage white sticky goo, "Maybe it's hair gel" he thought. The stairs creak very much and looks like the place is going to fall apart. Them, Bruce Wayne found cousin Oliver room, in the last floor of the building.

But something was strange, the door was opened and incense's stench was flowing out of the room. Bruce ran inside the fast he could with the heart throbbing in fear of something bad...and it was. Cousin Oliver was naked, on four on the ground with his ass filled with cheap trash burning incense. Bruce Wayne them went to the other side and saw Oliver's eyes, bulging and bleeding, and something strange scared on his forehead. That was a circle with a flower upsidedown.

"...his ass filled with cheap trash burning incense." There's that ComicsNix magic we've all come to love so much.

"Damn, those bastards killed Oliver...I must go to the cops!" said Bruce, shooting a photo of the forehead mark and collecting an incense's copy from the cousin butt. He closed the door of the apartmement and went to the police station.

What? The world's greatest detective can't afford not to take a sample of the things found in the victim's ass.

When Bruce arrived at the police station, he told the cops what happened. But they just didn't care. Corruption was prevailing on Detroit City, and no only gives a damn.

"Aright, let me talk with the commissioner..." said Bruce to the fat cop in front of him.

"Ah, I don't think so...the commisioner is dating a whore and I don't want to disturb..." answered the pig faced cop, with a cigarette on his mouth.

"Oh yeah, allright...say him that Bruce Wayne's been here..." and Bruce started to walk away.

"What, Bbbrruce Wayne?! Commissioner, Bruce Wayne is here!!!" shouted the fat ass pork.

Good cop. Bad cop. Pork cop.

The commissioner emerged with a whore by his side from his room. His eyes got big and he went to shake hands with Bruce.

"Mister Bruce, what a pleasure!!! Wha...what brings you here?"

"Looks like you put to good use the money I donated last year. Your slut is very beautiful. She wasn't cheap, was she?"

The commissioner adjusted his tie and swallowed a gob.

000172_sm(2).jpg

Unsettling.

"Mister Wayne, I can explain..."

"Don't need, I just want to report a muder, my cousin got killed in his appartment..."

"OH my God mister Wayne...who could do that?"

For some reason, the police commissioner shouting "who could do that?" upon hearing of a murder in his jurisdiction makes me laugh every single time I read it.

"I don't know, this is why I need you to discover."

"Don't be afraid mister Wayne, we have the best detective here on precinct. He is our most awesome cop in activity......Robocop!!!!! Come here!!!!"

The giant mettalic bionic man emerged from an obscure room in the back of the building and started to walk to the Bruce's direction. The pumping-metallic steps was very distinct, thought Bruce.

You may consider the use of the adjective "pumping" to be foreshadowing.

"So you are the best they have here, isn't it?" asked Bruce.

"Yes mister Wayne, I can kill in five million thousand different spots on the human body." answered the metallic cop.

So... 5 billion ways?

"Hum, okay, let's go, I wanna you to solve a mystery with me..."

And them Robocop followed Bruce Wayne. When they arrived with a taxi to the cousin building, they entered it, going up the stairs till the room of the murdering scene. But, as they went in, no more body. Cousin Oliver vanished! What they are going to do?

I don't know! You're the author! You tell me!

This is when they hear a scream outside the window. A woman is hanging outside of the building, grabing a gargoyle and almost falling on the ground! Bruce hears that, but Robocop is there! How could Batman save the woman? Bruce them says:

"Robocop, use the phone and call the fire department!!!"

"I don't need phone, I have direct contact with them..."

"Now I'm fucked" thought Bruce. The woman screamed again, but this time she was falling. Bruce had no time to think, he simply picked his mask, put it in front of Robocop and jumped from the window. He started to fall, seeing the woman falling too. Batman nose dived very fast, reached her and held the girl with his strong arms and with a quick movement, used the Bat-Rope on a gargoyle, swing with the woman to the safety again.

Sadly, falling off a building isn't against the law, and Robocop is powerless to act.

The woman was in shock, so Batman took her to a room and knocked the door. As the resident opened the door, Batman raced to the top floor again without been seeing. He entered the cousin's room and Robocop was there.

"You saw everything Robocop..."

"Yes, and when I come back to the precinct, they will extract my memories and analyze, discoverying your identity."

"Holy fuck!! Are you going to arrest me?"

"No, you are an agent doing vigilante work in a city were cops don't abide the law. I defend law, not the system."

"There is a way to extract your memories before they know everything?"

"Yes, but it will involve your masculinity."

OF COURSE IT WILL.

"My what?"

"I need to fuck you Batman. This way, my memories backup is ejected from my butt and we can delete what is important to preserve your identity."

Just... just take a moment and let the wonderfulness of that dialogue wash over you. Read it again. Savor it. Because we may never see two sentences so full of wonder and magic in FFF ever again.

Bruce Wayne stood in awe looking to Robocop's face. He must gives away his manhood to be Batman again, or face the consequences of his life saving deeds.

"Why you memory backup is expelled when you fuck?"

An excellent question from the World's Greatest Detective.

"This is a method to preserve my intimacy. If I want to sleep with a whore or a male escort, it's my right to delete my sexual encounters so no one acknowledge it's existance."

So our tax money doesn't go to the police to stop crime, but to make a humanoid robot that can have sex? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Bruce put his own hand on his chin and thought a bit. That wasn't something Bruce would like to admit. Bruce have a reputation to preserve, even if he likes young lads. But Batman suffered much abuse in his life. Losing his anal virginity will be only one more faithful act towards the welfare of humanity.

"Alright Robocop, you can fuck me, but let's go to a motel, I don't want to violate my cousin's private space."

"There is a problem Bruce. I'm not with my penis now. I can't fuck you."

I take it back, because these are the three most wonderful sentences ever written. My bad.

"What? Why your not with it?"

"Because today is a workday. I only attach my mechanical penis at weekends."

New FFF band name: Mechanical Penis Weekend

"That's going to be a problem. Let's go to the precinct so you can pick it."

"Impossible, they only liberate it's use at friday nights and I must return them at monday morning."

"Shit!!!!"

Bruce Wayne them put his Batman suit to prepare mentally for that demanding task. He must now discover a way to makes sex with Robocop, because it's monday. If he waits till friday, the cousin killers will be untraceable.

AND YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T FUCK AFTER YOU'VE CAUGHT COUSIN OLIVER'S KILLERS.

It was evening and the streets were dark. The street lamps were all trashed. This is the perfect disguise to Batman and Robocop's serching.

"Alright Robocop, we must find something to attach in your crotch so you can fuck me...let's search the garbage."

WORLD'S GREATEST DETECTIVE

Batman and Robocop entered a dark alley and started to look out in the trash for some phallic object that could be attached. Batman them said:

"Look Robocop, it's a flashlight, do you think you can use it?"

"It's too small Batman, I need a 8 inch good metallic part. This shit is made of plastic..."

Batman them searched more, but no use. Batman them remembered his Bat-Utilities-Belt. He reached for it and found a Bat-Smoke-Greanade, cilindric, 8 inched and a good titanium metal cover.

This is a totally rational decision. I don't see any potential problem with this.

"Robocop, I found it, but you must be very gentle, or you could put off the grenade pin."

Robocop picked the grenade, attached in his crotch and red lights got immediatly red on the greanade's body.

"What's this Robo?"

"It's means I'm very excitted, your ass is very round, and I love leather clad men."

Hey, Robocop might be half-robot and all-cop, but he's still half-human.

"Woah, I never saw my ass, I guess the leather modeled him very good. Bu now Robocop, we need lube, and I don't have any, only boot grease"

Again, Batman calling his ass "him" -- typo, or does Batman really refer to his ass as separate entity? I desperately choose to imagine the latter.

"We could use my lubricant oil, its a bit old and need a change, so there's no problem wasting it."

Robocop them pushed a button on his left buttock, liberating a good dose of oil in his penis grenade.

"This grenade is very large Robocop, don't go fast, or you will rip my hemorrhoids"

You know, even though J.D. Salinger died yesterday, I think the world of American literature is in safe hands as long as people like ComicsNix are around.

"Demand computed, I'm adjusting the pumping pressure. It's adjusted to level three from ten possible levels of pleasure."

Batman them cracked open an abandoned warehouse, a famous bum's community. But today the vagrants are partying at the beach, making orgies and drinking hot beer.

Dude. Those vagrants sound awesome.

There's a dirty bed full of dandruff and pubic hair. The semen is still fresh and smelling very bad, all mixed with black red blood. Probably a hobo was fucking the unwashed, dung filled, hemorrhagic ass of a tramp. That was the only usable bed, the others were all shredded, covered in vomit and worms.

They sound significantly less awesome now.

"Robocop, you stay under me, Im not touching this AIDS covered shit!"

"Computed Batman. I don't need to move myself, my adapted penis is capable of indepedent movements."

Robocop laid on the bed, waiting for Batman ass to come and involve his machine pumping ready member. Batman removed his gloves, his pants, his cape and his shirt. He was only dressed with his boots, to not touch the bed, his Bat-Utilities-Belt and his mask. His dick was very hard, because this was the first time Batman would make love with a cyborg man.

ReadingCool_01.jpg

Bats them sat, and the metallic cilinder slowly opened his ass. The old oil was helping a lot, but Batman found a problem:

"Robocop, it's so cold here..."

"No problem Batman." and them Robocop activated the thermal transporter unit, heating the penis-grenade to the temperature of human body.

Are you ready for the greatest sex scene in the history of fan fiction? I don't even want to interrupt with my comments, as it's too perfect as is. Enjoy.

"Aawwwww...that's better...you know how to please a man Robocop..." said Batman, moving his body up and down on the titanium power rod. The artificial nature of that android could matter less to Batman. He could feel a heart beating inside the steel covered chest.

Batman, still being penetrated softly, reached his hands on Robocop's thighs. The hardness of that machine-man was very ostensible. The stell of his legs was very sensual, resembling his Batmobile bodywork.

Robocop was liking too, despite his dull counternance. He never penetrated such a strong man as Batman. With his hands, he gently cherishes the scar laden back of the man bat, feeling every imperfection and brutality his lover sufferend throughout his life. For this moment, he can ease the pain that lonely man stands every day in the violent and dark streets.

The two loving beings were feeling a strong bound, because the daily hardness and drudgery blocked their hearts to the little pleasures a man should have in the most intimate moments. They could understand one another, could share their traumas and loneliness, could love again, if only for that night.

If you need to stop to get a kleenex, I understand. Whether it's because you're crying at this scene's tender, romantic beauty, or because you're masturbating furiously. Either/or.

But them, the men reached their climaxes. Batman could feel his penis dripping the primal juice of life, ready to discharge the load of lust all over the heavens. Robocop was in the same ecstatic state. Batman couldn't hold it anymore and the semen got spurt all over the place, filling the warehouse with his most deeper feelings. Robocop them get hid of his body preclusion and let the oily juice flow it's way. But the Bat-Grenade was blocked by the pin, blocking the oil passage. It started to shake causing more pleasure to Batman and them, the pin got dissolved by Robocop's oil semen, releasing the gas inside Batman's rectum, while the oil flushed inside the man bat. Fumes could be seen from a good distance being expelled from Batman's ass mixed with old machine oil.

I don't really want to tell Batman his business, but if his Bat-Grenade pins can be dissolved by robot oil semen, that might be something of a design flaw. Although I guess even Batman can be forgiven for missing this important detail after coating the filthy warehouse with his load of lust and deeper feelings.

The other day, early in the morning the two lovers woke up. They kisees one another and them, Batman saw something:

"Look Robocop, your memories backup, now we can save my identity."

Totally forgot about that.

"Yes, it's correct Batman."

But there was something Robocop wasn't telling Batman...something...sad.

OH NOES

"Robocop, I collected this incense and shoot this photo from my deceased cousin. Do you have something like this in your memory bank?"

"Let me analyze...........analyzing............analyzing...........analysis complete. Crossing the information on both subjects, I found this connects with a group of new age hippies called 'The Return of Flower King'. They worship seventies crap bands and sell secondhand 'The Mamas and the Papas' t-shirts to crazy old ladies living in the suburbs."

"They look dangerous, I guess we should check them..."

Batman called a taxi and both Batman and Robocop entered, going to the lunatic hippies headquarters.

Batman called a taxi.

Batman called a taxi.

Batman called a taxi.

Batman called a taxi.

After a while, they arrived. That was a strange place, a big castle covered with grave flowers and smeeling incense everywhere.

"It's the same smell I felt at Oliver's place." said Batman.

Robocop them analyzed the place with his thermal googles:

"There are three individuals inside. The have no weapons and look very aged."

"Hum, strange...I think we should eavesdrop..."

As they apporached the place, Bats saw a circle with a flower upsidedown inside the building walls thru a window.

"It's the same symbol, these people must be involved in the crime."

WORLD'S. GREATEST. DETECTIVE.

Batman lockpicked the door and them they entered. The entrace hall was narrow and full of old vinyls. As the heroes aproached another door, a gas leaked in.

"Batman, it's a trap" said Robocop in a monotone voice.

"Now we're seriously fucked Robo!!!!"

Oh god how I wish DC would turn this into a graphic novel. I'd buy a hundred copies.

The two men tried to open the doors, but all locked. They were feling dizzy, the gas was affecting them. After a mintue, they passed out.

Does Robocop breathe? Did I just discover the one, tiny plot hole in ComicsNix's tale of adventure and romance?

"Wake up you bastards!!" shouted the old hippie slapping Batman's and Robcops faces.

"So you want to invade our divine shrine, don't you? "

Batman got control of himself again. He and Robo were chained to a chair in them middle of a big room, with three hippies looking at them, and a legion of zombies behind, waiting orders.

"Why did you killed Oliver?" asked Batman.

"We didn't kill him. He is reborn like the others. We taught them the hippie way of life. They fight against the Vietnam, the corporate corporations and the pottery industry. Now, they will be our sexual zombie slaves!" cried the mad hippie.

"You bastards." said Robocop with a monotone voice.

"You can't understand, the dream must not end...the peace and love is eternal!!!!" MUAHAHAH!!!"

The lead hippie snapped his fingers and the zombie legion moved towards the heroes.

"Fuck!!!!" said Batman, "These corpses are going to eat our brains! We have no hope Robocop...it's all over, if only I could kiss you again..."

"Sorry Batman, it's sad our relationship ends this way."

The zombies are aproaxing the heroes, everytime nearer, everytime faster...and them...they stop. They are completely immobile, doing nothing and only staring Batman and Robocop.

"Batman, these zombies aren't goint to eat us."

"Looks like this...but why?"

The mad lead hippie them shout:

"Why you fuckers stucked? Come on, eat the bastards!!!"

Batman looked down, thought a bit, and understood:

"You, shit hippie, told me that you taught them the hippie away of life, didn't you?"

I was going to point out that Batman probably doesn't use profanity, but then I realized Batman probably calling hippies "shit hippies" is probably the most accurate characterization of Batman ComicsNix has written so far.

"Yes"

"This is elementary my dear smelly, disease laden, inintelligent animal's friend. The hippie way of life means peace, love and and a meat-free regimen. These zombies only eat vegetables."

The hippie understood, looked down, clenched his hands, looked up and uttered:

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

Stupid shit hippie.

"And there's more. My friend here only eats car-oil, I eat bats and rats. But you three, I believe, are full of delicious fruits, green plants and muesli inside your stomachs."

I like to imagine Alfred serving only bats and rats to Batman as part of his passive-aggressive campaign against his insane employer.

The three hippies looked one another in horror. The zombies looked one another in joy. Now they're going to eat good and healthy food. The undead started to move in the hippies direction. They were encircled and couldn't escape. Oliver was the first, ripping the lead hippie belly and opening it's stomach with his own nails. The hippie bowels fell on the ground, and it was stuffed with delicious grass. But the zombies didn't want to eat, because there's blood.

"Don't be afraid zombies", said Robocop, "Their blood is full of vitamin and minerals. The iron is good for your heart."

The zombies smilled and started to eat the three hippies alive, drinking all of their blood, eating the bones and licking the skin. They only left intact the meat, because it is sin.

Sin? Where the fuck was "sin" when Wolverine was eating Jean Grey's torn-apart-at-the-vagina in "day of reckoning"?

After the crime was solved, it's time to depart. Bruce Wayne was holding Robocop's hands and looking in his helmet covered eyes.

"Robocop, you made me a new man, it's a shame we need to go separate ways. Will you remember me forever?"

"Yes Bruce...yes."

And the two joined their lips, doing their last kiss. Bruce them waved his hand, entered a taxi cab, and went away to Gotham. But Robocop didn't tell Bruce that his memories of their love night will exist no more. They must be erased together with the knowledge of his secret identity, for the sake of Batman's crime fighting for the humanity. It will be as it never happened. But one thing Robocop knew. He won't have the memories, but his passion and strong feelings will be forever in his heart. That can't be destroyed.

I know I should have some kind of summary here, but I'm just spent. I've laughed, I've learned, and I've loved right along with Batman and Robocop in that filthy, semen-encrusted warehouse. The greatest of stories make you think, and I know "The Day the Men Found Love" has made us all think a little. Mostly about what hard liquor to drink.


More links from around the web!

 
Email Print