The 10 Most Essential Nerd Foods

By James Daniels in Daily Lists, Miscellaneous
Wednesday, January 5, 2011 at 8:04 am
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Being a nerd requires discipline. Indeed, the level of devotion we have towards our various enthusiasms is arguably what defines Nerdhood. And anything not directly involved with said enthusiasms tends to fall by the wayside -- including nutrition.

Now, this is not to suggest that we nerds don't enjoy a night at a gourmet restaurant or a nice home-cooked meal as much as the next person. But so much time, money, and effort goes toward nerdy fandoms and hobbies that we've become notorious for our reliance on cheap, quick, easily prepared, and convenient meals. Essentially, anything that takes us away from our computers, TVs, novels, comics, and games for the least amount of time -- and leaves us with the most money in our pockets to fuel our obsessions is highly regarded. A bag of popcorn by the computer, a bowl of chips on the gaming table (role-players all know a character sheet isn't a character sheet until it is defaced by numerous food stains). As well as the value placed various sweets to fuel late night chat sessions or 24-hour TV marathons.

Thus Topless Robot is pleased to present the totally unofficial Geek Diet -- 10 foods which qualify as bona fide Nerd Chow. Oh, this is also a good reference for any mundanes among our readership who have nerds in their lives, but don't know what to feed them. These items are sure to provide all the sustenance a growing nerd needs, and keep his coat shiny, too.


10) Pringles
Nerds devour a staggering amount of snack chips as a matter of course, so it was difficult to settle on one variety for inclusion here. We decided on Pringles because they're tasty, inexpensive, come in every flavor imaginable (we recommend Bacon Ranch -- two tastes that always increase the awesomeness of any edible), and won't leave your keyboard, controllers, or unbagged comics coated in grease like regular chips!

9) Easy Cheese and Ritz Crackers
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Admit it, at one time or another we've all opened wide for a mouthful of pressurized cheesy goodness delivered via this magnificent invention. And naturally, no salute to Easy Cheese would be complete without a nod to its life-partner: The humble Ritz cracker. Perfect for fueling late night MMORPG binges or filming drunken YouTube vids where one challenges fellow nerds to finish an entire can in two minutes.

8) Spaghetti-Os
Now we get into more substantial cuisine. Most forms of canned pasta are popular among the nerd community -- but Spaghetti-Os are notable for their strong nostalgia factor for the spawn of the 1980s. Buy the ones with meatballs or sliced franks for the illusion of protein -- dump in a crap-ton of parmesan cheese, and you've got a reasonably filling meal. While they might not be served at nerd events, they're vitally important to nerds because a week's worth of them costs around $25, which allows you to devote what would normally be precious food money on important things like games, toys, RPG supplements, etc. We'd also like to add: Their signature round "Ravioli-Os" beat the piss out of anything Chef Boyardee makes.

7) Twinkies
Ah, the noble Twinkie! We don't know what they're made of -- we don't want to know. Fact is, they are the food of the Nerd Gods, as are the rest of their Hostess brethren (except Sno-Balls -- nobody seems to like them). Bonus Geek Cred for the vital role these Golden Goodies played in the recent film Zombieland.

6) Bagel Bites and Pizza Rolls (tie)
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Cooking? Who has time to cook something when there's nerdery to be committed? Both Bagel Bites and Pizza Rolls (the latter being the official foodstuff of murderous film critics such as Mr. Plinkett) can be thrown in the oven, the timer set, and then ignored until the bell rings and they're ready. They both contain meat, cheese bread and tomato sauce, which is as close to a well-balanced meal as most of us ever get. Plus, since they're meant to be handled, they don't requires dishes, napkins or utensils, again minimizing eating time and maximizing nerdery.

Tags: Food, Japan

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