The Secret Origin of the Battleship Movie

By Rob Bricken in Miscellaneous, Movies
Wednesday, July 27, 2011 at 2:45 pm
Hollywood Exec #1: We need a new movie.
Hollywood Exec #2: Okay, let's think of one.
Hollywood Exec #1: No, don't be stupid! We need an old one, and we'll just redo it.
Hollywood Exec #2: ...okay... but almost every movie's already been remade at this point, or is being remade.
Hollywood Exec #1: Huh. Are there any TV shows that haven't become movies yet?
Hollywood Exec #2: A few, but they've all been optioned as well.
Hollywood Exec #1: Videogames?
Hollywood Exec #2: Same deal.
Hollywood Exec #1: Dammit. Wait a second!
Hollywood Exec #2: What?
Hollywood Exec #1: Games, that's it!
Hollywood Exec #2: Huh?
Hollywood Exec #1: Board games!
Hollywood Exec #2: What the fuck are you talking about? You can't make a movie out of a board game.
Hollywood Exec #1: Sure you can! All you need to make a movie is a title people know! And people know the name of board games!
Hollywood Exec #2: But board games have no plot.
Hollywood Exec #1: Jesus, are you really a Hollywood executive? Fuck plot! All we need is a name!
Hollywood Exec #2: Fine. So what game?
Hollywood Exec #1: Something action-y... got it! Battleship!
Hollywood Exec #2: Battleship.
Hollywood Exec #1: Yes! I'm brilliant!
Hollywood Exec #2: You're going to make a movie about two kids playing Battleship.
Hollywood Exec #1: No, you fool! I'll make a movie about battleships! Playing Battleship! With battleships!
Hollywood Exec #2: Actually, it's still weird you're doing a movie based on a board game, but that's actually not the worst movie idea--
Hollywood Exec #1: Even better! American battleships versus alien ships! It's a battle for the planet!
Hollywood Exec #2: Wait, where the fuck did the aliens come from?
Hollywood Exec #1: Space, obviously. Ooh! Spaceships! Alien spaceships! Versus battleships!
Hollywood Exec #2: So this movie, which is going to be named Battleship, actually has nothing to do with Battleship the game.
Hollywood Exec #1: It has the same name! That's all that matters!
Hollywood Exec #2: Fine. I'm going to do a mountain of cocaine until this plan actually seems like it makes a bit of sense.
Hollywood Exec #1: I already have!

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