Miscellaneous, Movies

The Secret Origin of the Battleship Movie

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Hollywood Exec #1: We need a new movie.
Hollywood Exec #2: Okay, let’s think of one.
Hollywood Exec #1: No, don’t be stupid! We need an old one, and we’ll just redo it.
Hollywood Exec #2: …okay… but almost every movie’s already been remade at this point, or is being remade.
Hollywood Exec #1: Huh. Are there any TV shows that haven’t become movies yet?
Hollywood Exec #2: A few, but they’ve all been optioned as well.
Hollywood Exec #1: Videogames?
Hollywood Exec #2: Same deal.
Hollywood Exec #1: Dammit. Wait a second!
Hollywood Exec #2: What?
Hollywood Exec #1: Games, that’s it!
Hollywood Exec #2: Huh?
Hollywood Exec #1: Board games!
Hollywood Exec #2: What the fuck are you talking about? You can’t make a movie out of a board game.
Hollywood Exec #1: Sure you can! All you need to make a movie is a title people know! And people know the name of board games!
Hollywood Exec #2: But board games have no plot.
Hollywood Exec #1: Jesus, are you really a Hollywood executive? Fuck plot! All we need is a name!
Hollywood Exec #2: Fine. So what game?
Hollywood Exec #1: Something action-y… got it! Battleship!
Hollywood Exec #2: Battleship.
Hollywood Exec #1: Yes! I’m brilliant!
Hollywood Exec #2: You’re going to make a movie about two kids playing Battleship.
Hollywood Exec #1: No, you fool! I’ll make a movie about battleships! Playing Battleship! With battleships!
Hollywood Exec #2: Actually, it’s still weird you’re doing a movie based on a board game, but that’s actually not the worst movie idea–
Hollywood Exec #1: Even better! American battleships versus alien ships! It’s a battle for the planet!
Hollywood Exec #2: Wait, where the fuck did the aliens come from?
Hollywood Exec #1: Space, obviously. Ooh! Spaceships! Alien spaceships! Versus battleships!
Hollywood Exec #2: So this movie, which is going to be named Battleship, actually has nothing to do with Battleship the game.
Hollywood Exec #1: It has the same name! That’s all that matters!
Hollywood Exec #2: Fine. I’m going to do a mountain of cocaine until this plan actually seems like it makes a bit of sense.
Hollywood Exec #1: I already have!

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.