Universal Soldier Contest Winner

By Luke Y. Thompson in DVDs
Thursday, January 17, 2013 at 1:15 pm

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I have to be honest and say not as many of you put your heart into this one, although those who did, did well. Maybe the prize wasn't strong enough, but I seriously think when some of you actually see the movie, you'll be pleasantly surprised at how unlike its predecessors it is. There is a winner, though, but first - the runners up.

Dr. Abraxas' characteristically gross entry was quite creative:

back to the future 4: or how i learned to love not fear the flux capacitor

marty mcfly hits his head on a toilet and develops a case of parkinsons; the treatment is a special newfangled medicine created out of the tears of fanboys and developed by the mad doctor emmet von braun. but doctor von braun is also interested in time travel and accidentally combines the medicine with his erectile flux capacitor laxative. the laxitive is what makes time travel possible but first you need to eat something off the menu at a truck stop taco bell then, when your fart gas achieves an escape pressure of 88psi there you go off to somewhere in time (let's just say the doc hasn't perfected the formulation yet). marty takes the pill and just by luck eats at taco bell then he gets into his father's dilapidated delorian that he swindled the challenged biff out of it. well he farts and ends up in far future time when humanity is turned into these mindless eli-like creatures who are addicted to the technology and social networking mumbo jumbo fed to them by the von braun corporation. now the crux of the movie is this - can mc fly and the decedents of biff shake off the leash of von braun and restore order to the galaxy before his future induced parkinsons make him disappear? with a cameo by the two girlfriends who play assassins sent by von braun mostly to show cleavage.

I was tempted to give it to JCVDtheStampede purely for his dedicated fandom and knowledge of both men's bodies of work. Plus I'd like to see the movie he describes:

I would like to preface this comment by stating that I have a near scholarly of crappy, crappy 90s movies. As such, I needed a combination of Lundgren and Van Damme film that showcased each of their particular talents. So I created a movie that would be a sequel to three unrelated movies.

My movie would be entitled "Double Down". "Black" Jack Devlin (Lundgren, from the John Woo masterpiece BlackJack), has been hired as a bodyguard by a dubious counterfeiting company, which specializes in fake designer jeans (Livi's) and sneakers (Pumma). He has been tasked with guarding a secret warehouse which is houses illegal immigrants who are manufacturing the goods. Unbeknownst to him, however, the Russian mafia has contracted the counterfeiters, and they have begun implanted micro-bombs into the stitching of the fabric! Black Jack knows that he is already in a seedy situation, but he needs the money because his adopted daughter has the cancer.

Now then, the counterfeiting operation is attacked by the rival Italian mafia, which inexplicably employs a 50 year old Belgian (Chad Wagner, played by Van Damme, from the Film Double Impact) as it's lead enforcer. Chad has fallen on hard times after leaving Hong Kong, having lost his wife and (he believes) his twin brother to the Russian mafia (a plot similar to, but unrelated to Maximum Risk, also involving a pair of Van Dammes), he has discovered their scheme and has decided that joining the Italians was his only option.

To sum up the rest of the movie, there will be 3 fight scenes between these principle characters. Joining the fray will be Chad's twin Alex (Van Damme), whose legs have been broken by the mafia (leading to some awesome wheelchair related fight scenes), and well as Marcus Ray (Also Van Damme, this time from the movie Knock Off, of which this plot is loosely based) a former fashion designer turned police sergeant, who is working with his partner (Rob Schneider, Knock Off) to shut down this factory once and for all!

I forgot to mention that Black Jack Devlin has a phobia to the color white. As in his movie, this will come into play in shoehorned and contrite ways throughout. Like a shelve of sneakers falls on him or something.

Kozmik Pariah had a good idea for a sequel to something you wouldn't expect a sequel to:

Face/Off 2: Face/On, directed by Hyams!

A washed up John Travolta reprises his role of FBI Agent Sam Archer. Set 15 years later, Archer has adopted Adam, the son of his former nemesis Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage in the original film). In the course of events we learn that Archer's time under Troy's face years ago has had a psychological toll and he has begun to behave like Troy. In the last quarter of the film Travolta takes a government facility hostage and has his face altered to become Castor Troy's, as it would look now.

Now played by Nicolas Cage, Archer has come to believe he /is/ Troy and commits many nefarious crimes including threatening to eat his wife's "peach for hours" and Cage, of course, is utterly Cage at his Cage-iest for awhile. Eventually Archer-mind and Troy-mind must meet in Archer's mind at the Castor's hideout (in the original film) with the help of his adopted (and Troy's biological) son, rising policeman Adam, who is played by Haley Joel Osmont.

And AZchocula had three entries that all made me smile, though I have to admit the first one sounds like Looper:

'Bad Will Hunting' - Borrowing liberally from the Terminator franchise, we have a time-travel, actioner that sees the Will we know and love on the run from a future version of his buddy, Chuckie, played by a grizzled, scarred Ben Affleck. It seems that in the future, Will uses his high-falutin intellectual powers to become a megalomaniacal captain of industry, a la Lex Luthor. Following the tragic death of his beloved Skylar in a freak accident on board a Greenpeace vessel, Will declares war on all that is good and altruistic, in the process bringing about a global war unlike any other. Chuckie is sent back from the future to reason with (or possibly kill) the Will he once knew. Matters are complicated when Chuckie initially travels too far back into the past and unleashes a butterfly effect-like scenario that threatens his own future and, ultimately, the security of the mission.

'Malcolm, Why?' - A sequel to Malcolm X and a work of speculative fiction, in which the title character escapes his assassination and is forced to go into hiding, disguised as an matronly white woman in suburban middle America. It's a wacky fish-out-of-water story in which our hero gets into a series of comical misunderstandings with his new neighbors, and grudgingly teaches them the value of tolerance and understanding

'Forrest Gump: Gump and Gumper' - In the wake of the collapse of Forrest's economic fortunes, his embittered son, played by Shia The Beef, navigates the '80s and '90s, acting contrary to his father's ethic of simple love, compassion, and honest hard work. Along the way, we see him make a killing in junk bonds, negotiate arms sales to Saddam Hussein, and do blow off the nubile asses of every prostitute from Miami to San Francisco. An embarrassed Tom Hanks appears in a few scenes, wetting himself and crying in a corner as he witnesses the monster that he and his beloved Jenny produced

The winner after the jump...



Okay, so this may not have been as funny and elaborate as some of the others, but it's my pick because (a) it's a funny twist, (b) it's a believable one in Hollywood and (c) I would pay to go see it, in all seriousness.

Here's abbotlayman:

I admit this is probably a terrible idea, but hear me out...

The Addams Family...as a schlocky revenge slasher movie. When selling the movie, don't even mention the name Addams. Just rename it or sell it as The Family.

The Addams family manor has been on top of the hill for as long as the town has stood. As the town expanded and grew into a large city, the hill has remained untouched. A real estate developer wants to buy the land for more urban sprawl.

Gomez refuses and has the money and power to keep people off the land. The city has known Gomez as a charming, if albeit weird person. Developer puts a hit out on Gomez, Gomez is killed right as he opens the door when he returns home. Turns out Gomez was the only thing keeping the rest of his family from running rampant on the city. The rest of the Addams family are pretty much the same, except they're out for blood.

Congratulations to all.

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