Blu-ray Today: The Mel Gibson Have the Box-Office Raisin Balls
The Expendables 3 – It has apparently taken Sylvester Stallone three of these movies to realize that people old enough to want to see his wrinkly, roided-out arse shoot guns at baddies are not under the age of fucking thirteen, and would like an actual R-rated movie please, like the ones we remember most of these actors from. And by “R,” we don’t mean “shot for PG-13 with digitally added blood.”
I did not see Expendables 3, but it seems the lure of Mel Gibson as the villain, and/or Harrison Ford as Bruce Willis, was not as strong as anybody had hoped (though our sometime contributor Fred Topel is quoted on the Blu-ray cover as saying this is the best Expendables yet, I should warn you that he has an occasionally irrational love of sequels). There is an “unrated” cut on the disc, but at a full five minutes longer then the PG-13 theatrical, it’s not like you’re getting anything too naughty.
The Giver – Not every young adult franchise makes it, and this one set in a black and white future world where people must learn how to love again probably got the kiss of death when it started doing a lot of publicity on conservative talk radio and religious programs. A key to luring young adults is not to let them think their parents would approve. Or maybe it’s just a bad idea to cast Taylor Swift in a movie about learning how to love again.
Shock Waves – Decades before Dead Snow, Brooke Adams was fighting Nazi zombies in this ’70s cult film featuring Peter Cushing as the dead Deutschlanders’ former leader. Sounds all right.
Nymphomaniac: Extended Director’s Cut – I’m not sure this entirely counts as nerdy, except to the extent that so many of you readers are such outright pervs that you’ll probably be interested, and it’s a slow week anyhow. Director Lars von Trier’s modern-day take on such classic bawdy tale compilations as The Canterbury Tales, originally released domestically as two films, is now available in a longer five-hour cut that includes a restored abortion sequence. Imagine an artfully made compilation of Fan Fiction Fridays, all starring the same person and directed by somebody with talent and a boner. Note: this is also apparently the movie that made Shia LaBeouf go insane, though having seen the theatrical version recently, I still feel quite strongly that von Trier put him up to the whole thing somehow.
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster – Ten years after its initial release, the documentary about the band nearly falling apart as they recorded St. Anger finally hits Blu-ray, presumably allowing a whole new generation of fans to see how whiny and dysfunctional their idols used to be. For my money it led to one of their all-time best albums, and their finding of a superior bass player…but this is a majorly minority opinion among metalheads, I’ve found. Chalk it up to the same reasons I like the Sin City sequel – I relate to stuff by and about drunken assholes who like to think they’re manly.
Samurai Cop – Notoriously so-terrible-it’s-kinda-fun 1989 movie about an American cop with a samurai sword. Never seen it, but I understand Tommy Wiseau will be in the sequel, which probably tells you all you need to know. My friend Edwin conducted one of this disc’s bonus interviews, so that’s cool.
A Merry Friggin’ Christmas – Robin Williams plays an alcoholic, deadbeat grandpa in this seasonal family reunion flick that’s probably only worth it if you’re determined to watch every Robin Williams movie.
Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood – “Say, fellas, what would be the worst possible movie we could rerelease the day after a racially divisive verdict comes out?” “Birth of a Nation?” “Nope, that’s public domain now.” “Oooh, ooh, I know!”
Naruto Shippuden Road to Ninja: The Movie 6 – Honestly, all I really know about Naruto is those headbands everybody wears at comic conventions. This, presumably, will be pleasing to those people.
So yeah, not a super big week, but with Black Friday deals just around the corner – what’s on your list?
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About The Author
Luke Y. Thompson has been writing professionally about movies and pop-culture since 1999, and has also been an actor in some extremely cheap culty and horror movies you will probably never hear much about (he is nonetheless mostly proud of them, as he met his wife on one). As editor of The Robot's Voice since 2012, he can take the blame for the majority of the site's content, all of which he creates because he loves you very, very much. (Although he loves nachos more. Sorry.) Prior to TRV, Luke wrote for publications that include the New Times LA, Los Angeles CityBeat, E! Online, OC Weekly, Geekweek, GeekChicDaily, The L.A. Times, The Village Voice, LA Weekly, and Nerdist