The Expendables 3 – It has apparently taken Sylvester Stallone three of these movies to realize that people old enough to want to see his wrinkly, roided-out arse shoot guns at baddies are not under the age of fucking thirteen, and would like an actual R-rated movie please, like the ones we remember most of these actors from. And by “R,” we don’t mean “shot for PG-13 with digitally added blood.”
I did not see Expendables 3, but it seems the lure of Mel Gibson as the villain, and/or Harrison Ford as Bruce Willis, was not as strong as anybody had hoped (though our sometime contributor Fred Topel is quoted on the Blu-ray cover as saying this is the best Expendables yet, I should warn you that he has an occasionally irrational love of sequels). There is an “unrated” cut on the disc, but at a full five minutes longer then the PG-13 theatrical, it’s not like you’re getting anything too naughty.
The Giver – Not every young adult franchise makes it, and this one set in a black and white future world where people must learn how to love again probably got the kiss of death when it started doing a lot of publicity on conservative talk radio and religious programs. A key to luring young adults is not to let them think their parents would approve. Or maybe it’s just a bad idea to cast Taylor Swift in a movie about learning how to love again.
Shock Waves – Decades before Dead Snow, Brooke Adams was fighting Nazi zombies in this ’70s cult film featuring Peter Cushing as the dead Deutschlanders’ former leader. Sounds all right.
Nymphomaniac: Extended Director’s Cut – I’m not sure this entirely counts as nerdy, except to the extent that so many of you readers are such outright pervs that you’ll probably be interested, and it’s a slow week anyhow. Director Lars von Trier’s modern-day take on such classic bawdy tale compilations as The Canterbury Tales, originally released domestically as two films, is now available in a longer five-hour cut that includes a restored abortion sequence. Imagine an artfully made compilation of Fan Fiction Fridays, all starring the same person and directed by somebody with talent and a boner. Note: this is also apparently the movie that made Shia LaBeouf go insane, though having seen the theatrical version recently, I still feel quite strongly that von Trier put him up to the whole thing somehow.
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster – Ten years after its initial release, the documentary about the band nearly falling apart as they recorded St. Anger finally hits Blu-ray, presumably allowing a whole new generation of fans to see how whiny and dysfunctional their idols used to be. For my money it led to one of their all-time best albums, and their finding of a superior bass player…but this is a majorly minority opinion among metalheads, I’ve found. Chalk it up to the same reasons I like the Sin City sequel – I relate to stuff by and about drunken assholes who like to think they’re manly.
Samurai Cop – Notoriously so-terrible-it’s-kinda-fun 1989 movie about an American cop with a samurai sword. Never seen it, but I understand Tommy Wiseau will be in the sequel, which probably tells you all you need to know. My friend Edwin conducted one of this disc’s bonus interviews, so that’s cool.
A Merry Friggin’ Christmas – Robin Williams plays an alcoholic, deadbeat grandpa in this seasonal family reunion flick that’s probably only worth it if you’re determined to watch every Robin Williams movie.
Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood – “Say, fellas, what would be the worst possible movie we could rerelease the day after a racially divisive verdict comes out?” “Birth of a Nation?” “Nope, that’s public domain now.” “Oooh, ooh, I know!”
Naruto Shippuden Road to Ninja: The Movie 6 – Honestly, all I really know about Naruto is those headbands everybody wears at comic conventions. This, presumably, will be pleasing to those people.
So yeah, not a super big week, but with Black Friday deals just around the corner – what’s on your list?