6) Bride of Venom
Apparently Marvel just has no idea what to do with the awesomeness that is Venom, so they keep pawning his costume off on random characters, like Scorpion and Flash Thompson (seriously?). At least Anti-Venom was pretty cool.
In-between all of those Venoms, through, there have been a ton of short-lived hosts for the alien symbiote, one of which was Eddie Brock's ex-wife, Anne Weying. She only managed to be in a handful of issues, but that's apparently just enough time to make this fairly horrifying figure of her. Er... thanks, Marvel? (Also worth noting is that she reportedly doesn't stand up worth a crap.)
5) Gwen Stacy
Hey, it's Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker's most famous (and pretty much only) not-Mary Jane girlfriend. She also literally got straight dropped off a bridge decades ago, so making a figure of her is a little creepy. You could just lay her down for realistic death scenes, maybe?
But then it gets worse. Oh, so much worse. Her skirt is removable, for some reason. Spidey-necrophilia, perhaps? Taboo sense tingling! And yeah, she totally has little pink undies painted on underneath. What the hell is wrong with you, Marvel? Do we need to have a talk?
4) Aqua Carnage
Finally, we come to Carnage, Spider-Man villain and Venom... offspring? Something. Now, Carnage was pretty dang cool back in the Maximum Carnage days. They even made a video game out of it with cheap Green Jellÿ chiptunes thrown on top. Things kinda fell apart from there, but that's comics for you.
This is not a cool Carnage figure. This is "Aqua Carnage", part of a shitty Spider-Man water toy series. This particular figure holds a special place in those annals of shit, through. For one thing, it looks like he fucked some rock candy and this is what came out. For another, this is apparently just a re-painted Ice Man figure with a Carnage head slapped on it. So it's not just dumb, but leftover dumb.
3) Howard the Duck
Back to non-Spidey figures. Remember Howard the Duck? You probably don't unless you're over 30 and the regression therapy didn't take, because it was the first of George Lucas's "productions" that demonstrated his total lack of understanding when it comes to cinema. We should have listened.
Anyway, ol' Howard is actually based on a Marvel comic that no one read back in the '70s and has popped up sporadically in the decades since. So, comic no one really paid attention to turned into movie no one liked. Perfect action figure fodder? Apparently so. Also worth noting is that he came packed in with a Silver Surfer figure, for some reason.
2) Luke Cage
Luke Cage is about as badass as you can get without getting turned into a huge, green monster from gamma radiation. He's been on basically every superhero team that isn't a mutant circlejerk and even finds time to run a freelance superhero business on the side.
Sure, his old costume kind of sucked, but that's pretty commonplace in comics. It's still no excuse for this horrible figure where Power Man apparently found a hilariously over-sized bathrobe and decided to wear it while cavorting around town and fighting crime.
1) Various Punisher Figures
Speaking of badasses, let's talk about Frank Castle, the dude who has no powers and still routinely kicks the crap out of pretty much everyone else in the Marvel Universe. Never bet against him, even versus Galactus.
And yet, for some reason, the earliest Punisher figures had the biggest shit-eating grins you've ever seen in your life. "I'm so happy my family is dead," he seems to be saying. So they changed it for future figures, but then they went way too far in the other direction and made him look like a raging MMO player. If you view them all in sequence, it's like watching a man lose his mind. Observe:
Finally, they gave up and just made him look like Unknown Hinson:
Special thanks to MarvelToys.net for letting us use their photos!
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