Fast Food Review: Chili Cheese Burritos and Mountain Dew SANGRITA BLAST at Taco Bell

First things first:

HOLYSHITHOLYSHIT TACO BELL BROUGHT BACK THE CHILI CHEESE BURRITO A.K.A. CHILITO FOR THE FIRST TIME IN LIKE A DECADE AND IT TASTES THE EXACT SAME HOLYSHIT!

It’s like when I bought Julia a ’90s Barbie of of Amazon for Christmas, and when she saw what it was, she went, “You’re back!” with all the love of that biblical father who had the prodigal son. The instant laxative that was once known as the Chilito hath returned, with only one cosmetic difference – the old one was wrapped at one ended and one on the other. This one is wrapped at both ends. But given how much Taco Bell beef has deteriorated since I was a lad, it’s nothing short of a Mexican-ish miracle that this thing tastes just like it used to. And yes, it still has that classic laxative effect.

They’re promoting another new chili burrito more, though. Let’s deal with that next.

Okay. Taco Bell? Hi. I’d like to inform you that I’m quite familiar with the fast-food item known as “fries.” In fact, everyone in America is. I’m pretty sure “fries” is one of the first words most kids learn to say.

Your “golden potato bites” are not fries. Just like your “nacho sauce’ without cheese is not nacho sauce. Quit being Big Brother. Stick to coopting Mexican ideas and making them mediocre.

That said, your Chili Cheese “Fries” Loaded Griller is better than it should be. And I’ve had the major competitors: Wienerschnitzel, I think , did the first chili cheese fries burrito, and Del Taco recently followed suit. Green Burrito has an amazing “San Diego Burrito” that contains fires loaded with steak and guac, and you can’t really beat that.

But those “golden” whatsits in the classic chili, with nacho cheese sauce (REAL nacho sauce, as opposed to that fake crap you just invented)? It works. Especially since you didn’t fuck it up with sour cream this time. Right now it’s a dollar, and there’s a decent amount of filling inside, enough that I actually was afraid some might spill when I bit into it (this is a good thing, and almost never happens at the Bell).

But the best new thing – oh my goodness. Now this is the epitome of what you do best. Mountain Dew Sangrita Blast. Is there anything that screams “cultural appropriation” more than a sangria flavor owned by Mountain Dew? Not until McDonald’s makes McBalut.

Remember when Mountain Dew did grape flavor Pitch Black, then refined it to “Pitch Black II” by adding more citric acid to give it a sour note? This is a perfected variation. The initial taste hitting your mouth is a sweet, grape-cherry-Dew mashup, but right as it starts to go down, it’s like the thing pulls out a mini Super Soaker and blasts the back of your throat with sour. It’s a calculated contrast that, unlike most sodas, actually makes you stop and think about the taste. And it would be a great mixer, too, but it’s only available at Taco Bell.

Also, that blue Baja Blast that everyone but me likes now has a diet version. Da ba dee da ba da.