7 New Sexual Fetishes You'll Develop From Watching Nurse 3D

By Todd Gilchrist in Daily Lists, Movies
Friday, February 7, 2014 at 6:00 am

5. Windows '98.

Technically speaking, this probably overlaps in some grand Venn diagram between people who obsess over technology, and people preoccupied with nostalgic ideas about the world. But for a movie that definitely takes place today - at least according to the characters' iPhones and their penchant for Skyping - several of the characters have conspicuously outdated software in their computers, evidenced by the flapping of files as they move from one folder to another on the desktop of their computers.

Precisely how this will get you horny, admittedly, is a little unclear. Maybe if floppy disks get you hard. Or perhaps if your idea of a beautiful figure is the geometric shape you just spent a week creating on an Apple II GS. But Nurse 3D somehow manages to create one of the most consistent and constant sexual atmospheres in recent cinema history, with virtually every scene featuring nudity, innuendo or some other sleazy exchange. As a result, even things that are totally asexual start to seem kinda hot, so when Abby sends provocative photos of her coworker as blackmail, the suspense of watching them expand from a Zip file creates a sense of sensory anticipation that cannot be mistaken - and just might carry over for the next time somebody cc's you on some New Hire paperwork.

6. Totally lowbrow smut, gussied up in highbrow style.

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Nurse 3D essentially began as a photography project by Tim Palen, the chief marketing officer of Lionsgate, the film's distributor. And honestly, the images weren't just striking, or beautiful - they were hot. Aarniokoski borrows liberally from the photographer's aesthetic for many scenes in the movie, but in others abandons stylization altogether, unless alternating red and blue light bulbs count. But under both lenses, the filmmaker depicts - and describes - some of the sleaziest raw-dog sexual encounters this side of The Wolf of Wall Street. (I won't go into detail, but finger-fucking was among the acts depicted in the movie.)

Of course, sophisticated smut is nothing new; hell, in the '90s, Hollywood made scores of movies, from Basic Instinct to Single White Female to Sliver to Showgirls, where gorgeous men and women found themselves drawn into inescapable webs of sexual intrigue, amidst the repressed affluence of their always-white, mostly-upper class lifestyles. But the difference between then and now is either that the boundaries of permissible acts has expanded, or Aarniokoski and Lionsgate just don't give a fuck. Which is why for every beautifully-composed shot of a backless dress swimming through a sea of buttoned-up masculinity, there's a handjob to go with it. And quite frankly, loosed from the safety and respectability of mainstream depictions of sex, it manages to be weirdly, erratically enticing.

7. Seeing Paz de la Huerta fully clothed

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Despite having begin her career in 1998, Paz de la Huerta has a lot of acting credits, many in reputable, artistic films. But despite my best efforts, and a careful perusing of IMDB, I honestly cannot remember any of the ones where she has not appeared naked. From Fierce People to Choke to The Limits of Control to Enter the Void to Boardwalk Empire, this attractive and talented young actress seems predisposed to remove her costume multiple times per project.

As detailed above, she does indeed remove her clothing several times in Nurse 3D, in a variety of scenarios that range from aggressively sexual to thoroughly mundane. But weirdly, she also does a lot of those same kinds of scenes with all of her clothes on. Even when she's about to do some of her dirtiest work, there are times when you cannot see any part of her body that would be covered up by a one-piece bathing suit. And man, that is just bizarre. And that mystery, even long since revealed, is pretty damn hot.


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