7 Great Moments From the Deadpool Movie Script

Hopefully by now you have seen the recently leaked Deadpool test footage, and if you’re a fan of mercs with mouths you’re probably glad you were wearing your brown pants. The 2010 script has been leaked several times, with writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick on record confirming its authenticity. They also don’t discourage finding it for yourself, which we did.

It should be noted that just over a week ago on July 30th, Deadpool’s creator Rob Liefeld confirmed that the script was re-written to dodge the ‘R’ rating, saying on his Twitter that the “R is not a blockade any longer.” However, this weekend he confirmed that there is still no firm go-ahead, adding that the hold-up is “politically charged”, and even added that with “pundits predicting a $65 million dollar opening” it was still chalked up to a “producer battle. ‘Nuff said.”

So since there is a PG-13 script now, there’s no telling what has been kept from this former version. Be warned by reading this list you will be encountering several things that could likely make your mouth water even more than the test footage did. Here are seven scenes we loved, accompanied with some gorgeous art from madman Matthew Steele.

1. The Hugh Jackman Poster

Pre-Deadpool Wade Wilson’s disease-stricken skin causes him to hide his face, which he does with Hugh Jackman’s People magazine Sexiest Man Alive cover photo and a stapler. It’s a hilariously dark and brilliant way to show Deadpool’s style as well as poke fun at Wolverine, one of his favorite pastimes.

Wilson’s love for pop culture also manifests itself with an affinity for WHAM! (but not every album) and an action figure collection (gloriously including a figure of the Wolverine: Origins version of Deadpool). The writers really understood how to use the meta elements of his powers, and their references and fourth-wall breaking jabs hit their mark with a natural flow. Not every time is perfect, but for the most part the humor is in the sweet spot of pleasing devoted Deadpooligans while not being too obnoxious for a new audience. In terms of adaptation, the Hugh Jackman mask really is a triumph.

2. Colossus

Another Deadpool trait that plays well is his opinion of superheroes, and how they are really just a bunch of boy scouts. From a mocking earnestness to piercing insults, his contempt is clear and relatable. This is made most apparent when bounced off the teacher’s pet that is Colossus; the metal X-Man is written as the personification of the naivete and rigid moral code that rubs Deadpool the wrong way. Even though this puts a comedic spin on one of Fox’s Marvel characters, it’s not like they have any major Colossus plans. Crossovers are definitely lucrative right now, and the following scene would most likely enhance Colossus’s fanbase:

After a freeway skirmish, Colossus has broken several of Deadpool’s bones and has him handcuffed and dangling over another freeway below. Deadpool reaches up with a knife and cuts off his own arm. Colossus lets out a well-timed “Oh, man! Why?” before Deadpool makes the final slice and escapes.

3. Blind Al/Ikea

In the comics, Blind Al is the old blind woman who is Deadpool’s roommate, who also doubles as a mother figure and was once his prisoner as well as connected to British Intelligence. Simple, right? If Deadpool were written as a series rather than a film, his relationship with Blind Al would be rich for mining. While this version of Blind Al doesn’t seem to have as much baggage as the comic version, she is written as the perfect supporting character – one whose relationship with Deadpool only further defines Deadpool’s character. This incarnation of the duo met on Craigslist, about which at one point Blind Al remarks, “I’m going to find this Craig. And I’m going to kill him.”

A hilarious running gag is that it’s Deadpool’s job to pay the rent and Blind Al’s job to build the furniture. Ikea boxes scatter the apartment, and a Roomba vacuum robot sucks up loose screws to incomplete furniture sets. The dressers and nightstands are constantly falling over, and the fact that Deadpool keeps this bargain with Al in place is once again proof the writers had a solid adaptation on their hands. Before I continue, I’d like to point out that-

Shiiink!

Wait. Was that just a katana-

Slice!

Aaaaauuugggghhhhhhhhh……

“Ok, lets see here…close that tab, close that tab…Whoa. Keep that tab open…Ah, here we go. Hola, chinchillas! ‘Pool here. Anyone else bored to tears by this? Let me sum it up for you. The script rocked. Probably because I broke into Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick’s houses and stood over them munching corn nuts in their ear until it was perfect. Let’s kick this up a notch on the next page and make up for all this dribble, huh?”

4. Vanessa/Copycat

“Yes, my beloved Copycat made it into the movie. Granted, she doesn’t have any powers here so we just stick to calling her Vanessa. But she totally nails the character. And mine. Several times. Once for a discount. The writers realized that our relationship was a solid tool to drive the story deeper, and did so right until the messy climax.

With a good love story thrown in, my movie lets the audience know that even though I can do all the unbelievably cool things I do with badass guns and swords, I still do have a heart! A vulnerability. Bard the Bowman, you have a chance! I’ve been through some shit (waaaaaaahh!!) but shit and love belong in two separate rooms. Unless you’re at a truck stop or something.

By the way, what’s a Deadpool list without a Deadpool playlist? Here’s the song me and the writers picked to play while me and Vanessa screw our brains out.”

5. Gargamel Sheets

“SO. There I am fighting a baddie, when whaddya know, we stumble into some kid’s room. I look down and what do I see? The same exact Gargamel bed sheets that I had when I was just a little poppet! Needless to say, things don’t work out well for the baddie, but for me? BUTTERFLIES. When we stopped filming that scene I checked to see if this kid’s sheets had the same stains mine did. His were different.

I had a lot of cool stuff as a kid. I still have my Limited Deluxe Edition Spider-Man action figure. I just know it going to be worth a lot of money someday, way more than the $175 I paid for it. This toy is from my favorite Spider-Man story, where he becomes an arms dealer to Batman and the Jungle Fury Power Rangers, as well as gets a black market version of Tony Stark’s arc reactor implanted in his chest. LIGHT!”

6. Ajax/Francis

“Yeah, we went with Francis. Or – excuse me – ‘Ajax’ as he insists on being called. He’s my fave. I give him plenty of shit for his name (both of them) and since I am a method actor, I have it in my contract that I really get to carve that nametag into whatever actor’s forehead we choose (please be Francis Capra, please be Francis Capra). I simply can’t work in the non-method manner, and made sure my writers were sensitive to that. I’ve got such a great team.

So to celebrate the camaraderie I share with both foe and friend, here is another song.

We have a couple scenes that really stressed Ajax’s motivation, mainly his insecurity (which I use like a trampoline.) His connection to my origin story is spliced between scenes in the present, which left us feeling like we gave the story the best of both worlds: an origin to relate to, yet a fully realized me to have fun with. Just like the 1989 Batman! Except here, Ajax didn’t kill my parents, and Kim Basinger wasn’t allowed to leave my trailer. Hello legs!”

7. The Final Shootout

“My buddy Weasel (gotta have Weasel!) hooks me up with my guns, and he gave me enough to shoot 4,000 bullets in a variety of ways for the final scene. But one of the guns stands tall above the rest, my precious baby sugar pie, the AA-12 shotgun complete with Jeep-flipping action!

At one point I am surrounded by men in riot gear, all of whom are simply too eager to get their hands on my sweet ass. So I let ’em have it with the AA-12, and it’s like God himself farts and sends them into sweet-smelling oblivion. They go flying and I keep firing, making sure no stone is left unannihilated. Crossin’ t’s, dottin’ i’s. Effin’ A’s.”

*gurgle*

*gurgle*

“Sorry guys, this guy is trying to let out a death rattle. Hold on.

What’s that? My healing factor? No. Of course you can’t use it. It’s mine. Laser vision to cauterize the wound? Oh, you saw that movie, too? Well good for you. So did everybody. And guess what? Of course it sucked! I couldn’t talk! Here, maybe we can do like in Sin City and you can still talk if I re-attach your head to your neck. There. Try it now.”

I said…get..out of my chair…

“What a whiner. ‘My chair, my chair.’ Listen, Siskelbert. If you want to do great things you can’t just sit in your chair all day. There’s a great big world out there, and if you want to see it, you’re going to have to get of your fat ass and take a hike every now and again. Look, I understand you like breathing and all, but I hope having a katana sliced through your neck has shown you what life really can offer. So here. Let me get the stitches…hang on…now that stapler….and do you have any glue? Thanks. Okay…almost done. Voila. Good as new. Look, I gotta go. There are some Fox executives that need fruit baskets, and I’m just the fruit to bask it. You promise not to bore these dweebs any more while I’m gone? Alright everybody. Bye!”

Ok. I think he’s gone. Now what I was saying about the script was…

Beep. Beep.

Ha. The old ‘bomb under the chair’ bit. How original.

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