Holy shit. I can't believe this is happening. Not because I'm a huge Trigun fan or anything, but because it's so phenomenally late. Okay, I'm turning into my crotchety old anime guru phase, but bear with me. The Trigun TV series aired in Japan in 1998. It wasn't anything special. But when Geneon (nee Pioneer) brought it over to America in 2000, it sold like gangbusters -- and sold consistently enough that Adult Swim aired it in 2003. Obviously, there was a huge demand for more Trigun in America, money just waiting to be made. And waiting. And waiting.
In 2005, the president of Madhouse, the studio that animated Trigun, mentioned at a U.S. con that he was working on a Trigun movie. Then more waiting. And still more. And now finally, in mid-2009, more than 10 years after the series first aired in Japan and nearly 10 since Trigun's U.S. heyday, a trailer for the elusive Trigun movie surfaced at Anime Expo this past weekend.
I'm not saying a Trigun movie won't make money nowadays, but it won't make half as much as it would've in 2003 or even 2005. I understand this does nothing to fix the problems of online piracy, but still -- the Japanese anime industry had plenty of chances to make a ton of money if they had just given a shit about America once in a while. Just sayin'. (Via AnimeVice)
I had planned to end my day with the dreaded Pokémon story, leaving it at the top of Topless Robot all weekend to punish you bastards for your hubris, but I just can't. Not all of you begged me to run it, and you don't deserve to see the pic of the pre-festivities Gardevoir all holiday weekend. So here's one of my favorite videos of all time, now in the least shitty quality I've ever seen.
This is the legendary Daicon IV animation, a short anime for a Japanese sci-fi con from 1984. It's a sequel to the anime short from the Daicon 3 con (which gets recapped in the very beginning), and is set to the awesome E.L.O. song "Twilight" (from their album Time, which is absolutely phenomenal). Even if you're not an anime fan, if you have any desire to see a girl in a bunny outfit kick the ass of virtually every sci-fi franchise up through 1983, I think you'll enjoy it. Believe it or not, it's all fan-made... although those fan very shortly got together to form an anime studio called Gainax.
I hope it helps ease the pain for some of you. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you back here on Monday.
You asked for it. When you're done reading, and you realize that everything you thought was potentially good in life was a lie, please remember, this is your own fault. You bastards are the ones who begged and demanded me to run this. I didn't want to. You made me. In fact, this story is so horrible that I'm not even going to comment on it, because that would require me re-reading it. You get it complete and unadulterated by my comedy. And then you can try and pick up the pieces of your ruined weekend and shattered life. The story is called "rectified anonymity" and it is by author David Garrett. One final warning -- if last week's story of Luke and Leia and Han pooping and fucking and killing themselves made you at all uncomfortable, do not read this. I'm utterly serious. This is quantifiably 100 times worse, because it's written in utter seriousness.
And so it begins.
Rain spattered across the sand, causing a deafening roar, like that of
a hundred semis crashing into each other in apocalyptic glory. The
crack of thunder split the insanity, and wind swept it up into a
cacophony of natural horror. All the while David sat glumly, shielding
himself from the gale beneath a rather large tree. He was soaked to the
bone and miserable. Lost in Kanto, with no map, no pokedex, no food,
and no company other than his beloved pokemon. He was sure he'd die of
hypothermia or worse.
David sighed, clinging tightly to his umbrella which proved of little
worth except for some sort of moral booster. His soaked blond hair
clung tightly to his body. With an absent hand he fondled the pokeballs
on his lap. He clicked the switch on the front, releasing Gardevoir, to
stand beside him.
"Garde..?" she whispered to him soothingly.
"No, I'm fine Gardevoir. I just wanted some to be with," he replied,
barely audible to the young pokemon above the ripping winds. A shallow
tear formed on the rim of his red eyes but was blotted out the rest of
the water that coagulated on everything within sight.
She patted his shoulder. She was so cute, even for a pokemon. Her thin
hips swayed, her plant-like hair messed by the storm. No, no, what are
you doing, he thought. She's an animal.
But yet she was so much like a human, only smaller, and covered in
fauna. Plus there was no one around for miles, and no amount of
masturbating could satiate the lust he felt out in the wilderness... if
only he could feel the flesh of a woman against his.
He put a loving arm around his Gardevoir, pulling her close and
whispered; "Gardevoir, you know that I'm your trainer, right? Your
master?"
"Gard," she nodded in agreement. He nodded in return.
"And would you do anything for me?"
"Garde," she nodded again. He moved another hand to her, sliding it
over her wasp waist and looking carefully into her eyes. She seemed to
begin to understand, a look of fear welled in her eyes. David could
feel a lump in his pants swell as he began to force her upon the soaked
ground. The sky rumbled with thunder all around them, the tree above
them creaked threateningly.
The best thing about a pokemon is that they'll never be able to tell anyone about it.
The rest continues after the jump. And you have no one to blame but yourselves.
I don't know why we didn't see this coming. Just a few weeks after completing a 60-foot-tall Gundam in Odaiba that moves and has lights, Japan has started building a second giant robot -- then one a replica of the classic robot Tetusjin-28, better known as Gigantor in America. So it's going to be built in Kobe and it's also going to be 60-feet tall, although it's going to be a plain statue with no moving parts or ability to storm into North Korea and kick ass (supposedly). most terrifyingly, it's going to be completed in August, when Japan will almost certainly announce that they just happen to be building a 60-foot-tall EVA Unit 01. And then we can all truly kiss our asses goodbye. (Via Japanator)
And that announcement is "your shit is a sentient being that lives in your colon." This video was hijacked from an amazingly disturbing list of Creepy Asian Toilet Commercials from Sickpigs, which I highly advise everyone to check out. If at all possible, get your lunch and started eating before the #1 video. It will be an experience you won't soon forget.
The Dragonball Evolution movie was crap. Empirically. If you happened to read my weekend gig writing about anime toys over at Anime News Network, you know that Bandai's toys of the movie were somehow even worse. No one denies this.
But now... Hong Kong toymakers Enterbay are creating two 12-inch figures of movie Goku and Piccolo, and they're --bizarrely and unnecessarily -- kind of awesome. Check out these pics from ToysREvil:
Why? Why on earth would someone do this? Look, even I think they look outstanding -- and they have more personality in their sculpts than either Justin Chatwin or James Marsters managed to sneak into the film itself -- but who would actually want to purchase these things, and be constantly reminded of how fucking awful the Dragonball Evolution movie was? You can polish a turd until it looks like a diamond, but it's a still a turd.
Disney just released the first U.S. trailer for Hayao Miyazaki's new flick Ponyo, complete with English voice actors and a whole lot of trippy shit. I'd tell you not to bother seeing it in the theater, except that Disney is already doing a fine job of that, since they'll be releasing the DVD of Ponyo a month before the film premieres in the U.S. Making the theatrical release utterly irrelevant. Which is fine in the sense that Ponyo is clearly fucking insane in the way that is whimsical and somehow reasonable to mass Japanese audiences, but kind of terrifying to mass U.S. audiences.
So why bother with a theatrical release at all? Because Miyazaki has won one Academy Award for Best Animated Feature before (for the justly acclaimed Spirited Away) and should have won a lot more. So is Disney hoping for a second Oscar? No, because like all Pixar films, Up has it in the bag (it might deserve it this time, I haven't seen either Up or Ponyo). I'm dead certain that Disney is legally required to release all of Miyazaki's films in theaters as per their contract with Studio Ghibli, Miyazaki's studio, who want the Oscars. Disney doesn't give a shit. Which is why they're releasing the DVD early. They don't expect to make money on Ponyo's theatrical release, and they don't even care to try. I will be shocked if Ponyo is released in more than 100 studios.
And that's the reason why I'm going off on theis rant; maybe Ponyo is too fucking weird for US families to see, but Spirited Away should have been in as many theaters as any Pixar film. Howl's Moving Castle should have too, although that film kind of sucked -- Disney should have thought it deserved a chance. It just sucks that one of the world's best filmmakers (listen to Pixar's John Lasseter talk about the man, and you know who he thinks is the master) has signed a deal with Disney, one of the world's biggest film studios, and Disney just buries the films whether they're suited for American audiences or not. Grr.
End of rant. Ponyo seriously freaks me out. I have very little drug experience, but I imagine this trailer is exactly like being on LSD.
Okay, it's just its head. But that's just this week. What the hell are they going to unveil about the 60-foot Gundam next week, huh? Moving arms, I bet. The week after that will be walking. And the week after that it'll kick all of our asses. I guaran-damn-tee there's a secret government training facility somewhere on (or in!) Mount Fuji where they are belittling and bullying 14-year-old Japanese boys until one of them becomes emotionally fucked up enough to pilot this thing.
As per your request (and because I'm ding more posts per day) I'd like to welcome you back to Super Terrific Japanese Thing. For those of you who are new TR, it's basically an excuse to post something odd or awesome from Japan, not that it stops me from doing other Japan or anime posts during the rest of the week. It doesn't make much sense, admittedly. You guys can puzzle it out after I showcase not one but two Things, courtesy of the gentlemen over at Japanator.
• Samurai Underpants
These are a fad. A fashion. A rage, even. Ladies are swooning over guys who wear these traditional samurai-styled underwear, which seem cloest to boxer briefs intended for "working class males." They sell for about $85 a pair, which is well beyond what I would think the Japanese working class could aford for underwear, but whatever.
• Ecchi Onee-San Rearing
After nine years in the anime industry, even I know how to translate the title of this Japanese cellphone game: "Perverted Sister Rearing." Basically, you raise your "sisters" who, for reason I have no desire to understand, are physically mature but have the minds of 3-year-olds. Also, they're robots. The player must feed and care for them -- I have no doubt certain foods maximize certain "attributes" -- which includes bathing them, because they're robots with big tits programmed to act like toddlers. How much does this pervsion cost you? A mere $3. The site is here, and yes, you should feel ashamed when you visit.
Seriously, Japan -- this awesomeness makes up for a lot of your horrible grandmother-tentacle-rape-scat porn. Not all of it, but a significant amount. Head over to Toys R Evil for a Z'Gok-load more awesome pics of the Gundam seen throughout the day.
Reading through this contest was like a trip down memory lane for this old and often-bitter anime fan. There wer a lot of great memories in here, mostly of WTF moments that blew my mind and led me down the odd path of nerdery that eventually led to TR. Really, it's hard for me to understand how someone could read these things and not end up interested in anime, but to each nerd his own.
Before I Mention the Honorables, let me specify how I judged
the contest. There are many anime series -- like FLCL and Gurren Lagann,
to name but two -- that tried to be insane. In that regard, I feel like their
scenes, although crazy, weren't ludicrous in the sense of absurd and
exaggerated (Merriam-Webster will back me up on this) as opposed to series that
took themselves seriously. This also ruled out most comedies like Excel Saga and most of the hentai, since
they were also trying to be shocking and crazy. Now, given that this was one of
the most popular TR contests other
than the haikus, you anime fans will get your chance again, I promise. But that
won't affect the Honorable Mentions... which are after the jump. There are a lot.
Dear anime haters -- please chill. The fact of the matter is that in Topless Robot's 1.5 year existence, I've never done a single anime-themed contest, and frankly, that is a disservice to not only my anime-loving readers, but also the grand mission statement of the site. So please, feel free to sit this contest out, just like non-role-players had to set a previous contest or two out, and how the five non-gamers who read TR must have have done during all those contests.
The rest of you -- I want the most ludicrous moment you've ever seen in an anime. Obviously, links to videos will help, but I'm really looking for your descriptions here -- I have little doubt you geniuses will be far more entertaining than the actual clips. As for my entry, it wouldn't win, but I will never forget the moment in Gundam Wing where Lady Une is... you know, just watch.
Now it's your turn. One entry per person, and it ends on June 15th at 3am EST. And haters, if you're good, I'll do another haiku contest in the next couple of weeks, okay? Anyways, I hope you guys have a great weekend, and get to enjoy all the kool-aid you want. Big jugs of kool-aid, so full they're spilling over the sides. Cherry kool-aid. Red. Period.
This is the Voltron Star Shooter, and actual, functional 110 film camera that transforms into fucking Voltron. It was sold in the '80s by Impulse and is, without a doubt, the raddest thing you will see all day. (Via Gizmodo)
When I asked about future coverage on TR yesterday, the biggest topic was anime. It seems like an equal amount of people want more as people who loathe it to the core of their being and will violently throw up all over their computers if I increase coverage. My decision: to maybe do slightly more (barfing is funny!), but I want to make sure that it's still interesting to non-anime fans. Like the news that the preposterously long-running Japanese little kids' cartoon Doraemon is getting a guest appearance... from the Terminator.
Now, this is an extremely G-rated cartoon about a robotic cat from the future. Although Terminator: Salvation is rated PG-13, the other three movies were all preposterously violent and rated R. But it's happening. Now, clearly this is just a bit of cross-promotion for Salvation which opens on June 13th (this episode runs on June 26th). And the fact that both main characters are robots from the future makes it -- kind of -- a pretty neat fit.
What I want to point out is how if this happened in America, everyone would lose their minds. I'm having a hard time even thinking up a scenario: maybe if the Terminator showed up on Avatar or Brave and the Bold? Adults would be incensed, and kids would think it was the coolest thing ever. But also think about this -- what if '80s R movie characters guest-starred in our '80s cartoons? Rambo in G.I. Joe? Aliens vs G.I. Joe? Robocop vs Transformers? Predator vs. He-Man?
...I just wet myself thinking about Predator vs He-Man. I'll be back shortly. (Via ANN)
Americans make Dragonball: Evolution. Japanese people make the above. Case closed (or should I say "Detective Conan"? Aha hahahahahkill me). Yes, Japan is making a live-action Naruto Shippuden -- that's one where Naruto is grown up and marginally less annoying -- for a stage show at Universal Studios Japan this July and August. I'm sure it'll be goofy as hell, but at least it'll be accurately goofy to the anime. Hopefully for the crowd, it won't cover the filler episode where Naruto spends the last five minutes peeing on everybody. Although this is Japan we're talking about; you probably have to pay extra to get into the show where Naruto pees on you. (Via AnimeVice)
