Kane says Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci ("Fringe," Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Star Trek) are behind the film and that it will be "like the old 80's Amblin movies: Goonies, Young Sherlock... In that vein."
Oh. My Fucking. God. Now I have always believed in the potential greatest of movies based on '80s franchises, albeit those with cartoons and mythologies more than just toylines. And after Pirates of the Caribbean, I can understand how movies based on board games -- and there are many of them in the works -- could be doable, like Clue being a murder mystery and Battleship being a naval battle flick. But.
But the Viewmaster is a fucking hunk of plastic. It's a device to look at slides. There's no rich mythology about the Viewmaster, no potential characters, no nothing. It's like making a movie based on a Lite Brite or a rubber bouncy ball. This is fucking insanity.
Also, I think Kurtzman and Orci need to officially be stopped. Yes, they wrote the great Star Trek reboot movie and are responsible for the sharply improved Fringe TV series. But they also wrote both Transformers movie script and are now indirectly involved in this. I don't believe the good they're doing is justifying the evil they're generating. It's not worth it any more.
The entirety of "Thriller" re-enacted with Legos. And I mean the entirety -- all 13 minutes of it. Hell, the guy even includes the warning in the front from Michael Jackson where he promises that he doesn't believe in the occult despite his crazy zombie music video, which I totally forgot about. Fast-forward to 8:30 if you want to get to the dancin'. (Via Comic Alliance)
Oh, for fuck's sake. That's your Optimus Prime speaker idea? Just use make his severed head, and have two pieces which have never moved before swing out to awkward reveal speakers and make Optimus looks like his head's been smooshed by Bruticus? That isn't worth $50; hell, it isn't worth $10.
This isn't that hard, people. Either make a full body Optimus, and hide the speakers in his cab, or -- and this would be even easier -- hide them in his cargo trailer portion, like the Japanese did when they made that sweet Optimus Prime MP3 player. The only person I can think of who would want to buy this piece of crap is Megatron, so he can have a laugh while listening to the new Wilco album. (Via Gizmodo)
The greatest action figures of the 1980s never really went away. G.I. Joe, Transformers and Masters of the Universe have persisted in some form in the toy aisles during the last 25 years. Even Voltron continues to get new toys on occasion, but there is one big '80s toy-based property that has yet to get its due -- Thundercats.
Thundercats was perhaps not quite popular enough to be among the upper pantheon of 1980s action figures, but it was certainly close and is fondly remembered today by 30+-year-olds. Sure, Thundercats lives on in the kind of nostalgia-based t-shirts and bumper stickers that one would find at Hot Topic, while a CGI movie is reported to be in development. But given the amount of relaunched '80s toys in '00s-era toy stores, it's insane that there have not been new Thundercats figures in stores! It's hard to believe that no toy company has obtained the rights to produce more Thundercats toys, be they reissues of the originals or, better yet, new figures of the characters made to today's higher standards. Mattel's Masters of the Universe Classics series has proven that a direct-to-collector toyline with smaller runs can be successful. Let's hope that happens for Thundercats, or that perhaps we'll get an excellent wide-release toyline when and if the new film happens. Until then, here are the 12 best Thundercats figures from the original LJN series.
What you're looking at are four Slurpee straws promoting the G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie. Now, I know other movies have done this exact same promotion before, so I really can't say that Paramount and Hasbro are trying to subtly get the general populace ready for the movie to suck. (Straws? Sucking? Get it? Hee hee hee!) But, if you examine the straws closely, you'll see that the straws might be more indicative of the movie than you'd think. Notice the characters include Snake Eyes, Duke, Storm Shadow and the Baroness. Well, please take a closer look at these magnificent toys:
Yes. Unless the movie itself somehow rocks my world, I believe this image will be the entirety of my G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra review.
It doesn't quite reach the majesty of Lego's incredible Death Star set, but I knew you guys would want to see Lego's Indiana Jones Temple of Doom set, which just got added to Entertainment Earth. Obviously, it's got a sizable mine-cart rail, two carts, a rock trap, and the human sacrifice stage where Mola Ram takes out the still-beating hearts of his sacrifices. It's tough to tell from the pic, but the set also includes Indy, Willie, Short Round, two Thuggee thugs and Mola Ram, who might just be the new greatest Lego figure of all time. If he comes with a little flaming Lego heart he can hold, change "might be" to "definitely is." You can pre-order the set here.
I just know, somewhere in the deep, dark pit of despair I have in the place where I used to have a heart that this utterly batshit insane clip of an inexpicable He-Man-themed dance routine from some batshit insane Bollywood movie is going to be better than whatever Hollywood eventually does to my beloved Masters of the Universe. At very least, it won't have that awesome mustachioed man calmly gazing upon He-Man and the dancing skeletons and huge statue of Skeletor, calmly smoking a cigarette and occasionally nodding, as if to give the whole fucking nightmare his approval. Thanks to everyone who sent this magic in -- now if you'll excuse me, I need to hire a midget to wear an Orko costume and dance for me for the next several hours. It's the only thing that makes sense to me anymore.
P.S.: Mattel -- I want an MOTUC figure of the mustachioed man, stat.
I'm not sure you guys know this, but... I'm not a big fan of the new Transformers movie. It's not something I bring up a lot, because I feel like I shouldn't criticize a movie unless I can make one myself and do better, as is fair and just. But I did want to let you guys know that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen almost had the highest-grossing opening of all time, but that The Dark Knight -- a film loved by both fans and critics -- held. Barely.
• Transformers 2 made $201.2 million over its five-day opening. The Dark Knight made $203.8 mil.
• TF2 made an astounding $60.6m on Wednesday, $28.6m on Thursday, $36.7m on Friday, $40.6m on Saturday, and $34m on Sunday.
• It also made $14.4m on Imax.
• It's made $187m overseas, thanks to early openings in Japan and the UK.
• Thus, it's made $387m so far.
I have to admit that if Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen had out-grossed The Dark Knight, I would have found it very depressing. Hell, it still kind of bums me out that a movie with almost zero coherence -- but plenty of action -- got so damn close. Surely no one out there thinks that TF2 was better than Dark Knight, right?
It dawned on me at about 4am last night when I was finishing my review that 2500 words might not be enough to fully describe the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen experience. Additionally, I really didn't get much into the plot, as I was so busy explaining why it was a fundamentally shitty movie. So I took a little time to interview myself about the movie's story in order to help you understand what RotF is all about. Hope it helps!
Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie? I have no fucking clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.
What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film? The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.
What? Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.
If you want the short version -- and you should seriously consider it, since this is going to go on for a while -- here are two statements that cover everything I'm about to say.
• Watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is marginally better than shitting your pants, but it takes a lot longer.
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is not a Transformers movie.
Let me begin with the first statement. I have always thought Michael Bay was a terrible fucking director. I will fully admit he has an amazing sense of spectacle -- how to make the most frenetic, action-packed, explosive (mostly literally), x-treem scenes ever -- but he has never had any ability to make anyone care about those scenes or what happens in between them. Transformers 2 has plenty of spectacle, but without any regard for anything that would make that spectacle meaningful. If shit blows up, Michael Bay does not care why, and he assumes you will not care.
Some people don't, obviously, and Bay's box office will clearly back that up. But that's not me, and I don't think that makes me an elitist douchebag (I am an elitist douchebag, of course, but not for that). I can be and am impressed with Bay's technical work on Transformers 2, but it's things like plot and characters and motivations and interaction that make me care about a movie and allow me to enjoy it. Transformers 2 has none of these things.
< Here's some good news I wasn't expecting: Marvel Legends, the awesome toyline from Toy Biz that got bought by Hasbro, who made some terrible figures but then made a few good figures but almost immediately seemed to cancel the line -- okay, this got away from me a little bit -- but Marvel's main toy guy Jesse Falcon apparently told folks at Wizard World Philadelphia that Hasbro would be showing off 16-18 new Marvel Legends figures at San Diego Comic Con! This includes an X-Force Warpath, Madrox the Multiple Man, Lady Bullseye, anew Deadpool and a new Inhuman, and a bunch of two-packs, none of which will be retailer exclusive. Whee!
I have no problem with Hasbro's 3 3/4-inch Marvel Universe line, but I've been collecting my peculiar roster of Avengers in Legends for years -- I wasn't about to start over in a new, smaller scale, and I know a lot of collectors feel the same. So the news that there's more to come --although I don't have the faintest clue who I'd personally want (except a Dr. Druid figure that I could beat with hammers) -- is very cool. Check out a few more details at Marvelous News, and let me know who's missing from the Legends line in the comments. It's a really slow day and I'm bored. The photo comes from Carls Life, FYI.
No sirree! As it turns out, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has some of the stupidest product tie-ins that the world of cinema has ever scene. Let's start simply, with the above pic of the Burger King Kids' Meal toy of Devastator (courtesy of Great White Snark), which should easily make any child weep at realizing the cruel indifference of the world. Even by fast food toy standards, this thing is godawful and atrocious.
Next we have official Transformers 2 jeans. They have Autobot and Decepticon logos on the buttons, via Robot Dreams. The only thing that excuses these things even a little bit is that they are Japanese, and thus I don't have to live on the same continent as them. I admit that these are more silly than horrible, but I'm in no mood to be forgiving with Transformers at this point.
Last and certainly least, we have the Snickers Nougabot Bar. Does the word "Nougabot" confuse and disgust you? Then consider yourself a sentient human being. I had heard tell of this Bumblebee-adorned candy bar, but not seen it with my own eyes until I picked it up at the grocery store yesterday. Like its inspiration, it is a candy bar in disguise, because although it looks like a normal Snickers on the outside, inside...
..the nougat is bright, unnatural yellow, as if Bumblebee had pissed in the Mars. Inc. nougat vat. It tastes like regular Snickers nougat... that someone had dyed a hideous yellow, making the whole thing weird and unpleasant and kind of scary. It's more than meets the eye, admittedly, but only in the sense that you'll be shitting yellow food dye for a week after eating it. Bleagh.
The Dragonball Evolution movie was crap. Empirically. If you happened to read my weekend gig writing about anime toys over at Anime News Network, you know that Bandai's toys of the movie were somehow even worse. No one denies this.
But now... Hong Kong toymakers Enterbay are creating two 12-inch figures of movie Goku and Piccolo, and they're --bizarrely and unnecessarily -- kind of awesome. Check out these pics from ToysREvil:
Why? Why on earth would someone do this? Look, even I think they look outstanding -- and they have more personality in their sculpts than either Justin Chatwin or James Marsters managed to sneak into the film itself -- but who would actually want to purchase these things, and be constantly reminded of how fucking awful the Dragonball Evolution movie was? You can polish a turd until it looks like a diamond, but it's a still a turd.
Watching a movie that prominently features a really cool toy is a
double-edged sword. On one hand, you've just found out about some cool toy that
you just have to get your mitts on. On the other, even when you get it, it's
probably not going to be nearly as awesome as the one you just spent 90 minutes
drooling over because Stan Winston and Pixar didn't make it, some toy company trying to spend the least amount possible did. Thus, here is a
list of toys from movies that we really wanted, and the crappy actual movie toys we got instead.
