By Zach Oat

To an outsider, it may seem like Hasbro has made every Star Wars toy possible. Not so. There are hundreds, if not thousands of characters left to be made—if by “characters” you mean “guys in the background pretending to have a conversation with another dude in a Halloween mask.” For instance, Yarna D’al Gargan, the six-breasted lady briefly seen Jabba’s palace, is getting a toy after 24 years of fan begging, but not every “character” has Yarna’s…uh, character. These ten figures (or figure two-packs) are not going to make the cut. Ever. We need to accept that right now. Once we do, we will live our lives in a much happier state of mind.

10) Blackened Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Corpses

Death is no stranger to the Star wars toy line. Toy tauntauns get cut open. Greedo has a blast hole in his chest. Amanaman comes with a human skeleton, for christ’s sake. But there is a line. Christopher Lee does not have cut-off-his-head action. Nor does Jango Fett. We may yet see a funeral pyre Darth Vader, but I’m willing to bet cash money that we will never see a two-pack of Luke’s aunt and uncle in their charred, post-Imperial attack forms. After all, what parent wants to walk down the toy aisle with her son and see a pair of black skeletons on a blister card? Well, besides Tim Burton.

9) Holographic Porn Star

Since it’s so difficult to predict what characters Hasbro will deem worthy of toys, I’m going to cheat a bit, and call upon the power of the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. True, Hasbro has made next to no figures from this travesty of network television airtime, but they did make an animated-style Boba Fett from the special’s cartoon segment, so that means its fair game. What’s not fair game? Mermaia, a “Holographic Wow” projected by the “mind evaporator” device that Art Carney gives to Chewbacca’s dad Itchy. (Stay with me…) Played by singer Diahann Carroll, Mermeia seems to be some sort of futuristic porn star, designed to titillate johns of every species—including, apparently, Wookiees. Or maybe Itchy just likes them clean-shaven.

8) RuPaul the Hutt

One thing that you may not know about Hutts is that they’re hermaphrodites, changing gender when it suits them. No, it’s true! I mean, sure, a lot of them like sitting around on a dais with a nubile young woman in a metal bikini on the end of a chain, but check back a few years later and they’re knocked up with little Huttlings. However, a select few choose to live their lives solely as females. In case you couldn’t tell from the bustier, the makeup and the ruby-encrusted eyepatch, Queen Jool fits in the latter category. So while I’m sure there’s someone out there who wants more Hutt toys, I doubt Hasbro will be serving up any soon, especially transvestite Hutts.

7) The Kissin’ Skywalker Siblings

It happened. We all know it happened. Luke kissed his sister. In fact, it happened a couple of times: the little kiss on the Death Star and then the big ol’ smackeroo on Hoth. But as innocent as each kiss was, you’ll notice that Lucas doesn’t go out of his way to celebrate them: no posters, no notebook covers, no desktop backgrounds—because incest isn’t something we like to commemorate as a society. Hasbro made a set of Luke and Leia about to swing across the shaft on the Death Star (post-kiss), but I doubt we’ll ever get a set depicting Leia planting one on a bed-ridden Luke, trying to make Han Solo jealous. Which is too bad, because, come on, who hasn’t accidentally made out with a relative?

6) Midwife Droid

Approximately one-third of the Star Wars toy line consists of droids. However, about half of those are R2-D2 or C-3PO, so Hasbro is always looking for a new droid to fill out the line. But while they’ve managed to get around to those droids who worked in the library and that creepy CZ-4 droid that hung around the streets of Mos Eisley dealing crack, they will never make this particular droid. The Chroon-Tan B-Machine (or “midwife droid,” or “gyno-droid” if you’re nasty) delivered Luke and Leia while Natalie Portman lay dying on the delivery table, has big paddles for hands and speaks entirely in soothing “oo-pahs.” But while droids that work in a library are somehow action figure material, the droid that got all up in Natalie Portman’s lady business is apparently of no interest to anyone but me.