By Zach Oat
To an outsider, it may seem like Hasbro has made every Star Wars toy possible. Not so. There are hundreds, if not thousands of characters left to be made?if by ?characters? you mean ?guys in the background pretending to have a conversation with another dude in a Halloween mask.? For instance, Yarna D?al Gargan, the six-breasted lady briefly seen Jabba?s palace, is getting a toy after 24 years of fan begging, but not every ?character? has Yarna?s?uh, character. These ten figures (or figure two-packs) are not going to make the cut. Ever. We need to accept that right now. Once we do, we will live our lives in a much happier state of mind.
10) Blackened Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Corpses
Death is no stranger to the Star wars toy line. Toy tauntauns get cut open. Greedo has a blast hole in his chest. Amanaman comes with a human skeleton, for christ?s sake. But there is a line. Christopher Lee does not have cut-off-his-head action. Nor does Jango Fett. We may yet see a funeral pyre Darth Vader, but I?m willing to bet cash money that we will never see a two-pack of Luke?s aunt and uncle in their charred, post-Imperial attack forms. After all, what parent wants to walk down the toy aisle with her son and see a pair of black skeletons on a blister card? Well, besides Tim Burton.
9) Holographic Porn Star
Since it?s so difficult to predict what characters Hasbro will deem worthy of toys, I?m going to cheat a bit, and call upon the power of the 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. True, Hasbro has made next to no figures from this travesty of network television airtime, but they did make an animated-style Boba Fett from the special?s cartoon segment, so that means its fair game. What?s not fair game? Mermaia, a ?Holographic Wow? projected by the ?mind evaporator? device that Art Carney gives to Chewbacca?s dad Itchy. (Stay with me?) Played by singer Diahann Carroll, Mermeia seems to be some sort of futuristic porn star, designed to titillate johns of every species?including, apparently, Wookiees. Or maybe Itchy just likes them clean-shaven.
8) RuPaul the Hutt
One thing that you may not know about Hutts is that they?re hermaphrodites, changing gender when it suits them. No, it?s true! I mean, sure, a lot of them like sitting around on a dais with a nubile young woman in a metal bikini on the end of a chain, but check back a few years later and they?re knocked up with little Huttlings. However, a select few choose to live their lives solely as females. In case you couldn?t tell from the bustier, the makeup and the ruby-encrusted eyepatch, Queen Jool fits in the latter category. So while I?m sure there?s someone out there who wants more Hutt toys, I doubt Hasbro will be serving up any soon, especially transvestite Hutts.
7) The Kissin? Skywalker Siblings
It happened. We all know it happened. Luke kissed his sister. In fact, it happened a couple of times: the little kiss on the Death Star and then the big ol? smackeroo on Hoth. But as innocent as each kiss was, you?ll notice that Lucas doesn?t go out of his way to celebrate them: no posters, no notebook covers, no desktop backgrounds?because incest isn?t something we like to commemorate as a society. Hasbro made a set of Luke and Leia about to swing across the shaft on the Death Star (post-kiss), but I doubt we?ll ever get a set depicting Leia planting one on a bed-ridden Luke, trying to make Han Solo jealous. Which is too bad, because, come on, who hasn?t accidentally made out with a relative?
6) Midwife Droid
Approximately one-third of the Star Wars toy line consists of droids. However, about half of those are R2-D2 or C-3PO, so Hasbro is always looking for a new droid to fill out the line. But while they?ve managed to get around to those droids who worked in the library and that creepy CZ-4 droid that hung around the streets of Mos Eisley dealing crack, they will never make this particular droid. The Chroon-Tan B-Machine (or ?midwife droid,? or ?gyno-droid? if you?re nasty) delivered Luke and Leia while Natalie Portman lay dying on the delivery table, has big paddles for hands and speaks entirely in soothing ?oo-pahs.? But while droids that work in a library are somehow action figure material, the droid that got all up in Natalie Portman?s lady business is apparently of no interest to anyone but me.
5) Jedi Librarian
Speaking of librarians, there seem to be different levels of excitement when it comes to making toys of them. Librarian robots? Awesome. Librarian old ladies? Not so much. Jocasta Nu is a Jedi, which means she should have five action figures and her own starfighter by now. But she?s also an elderly woman who has a very high opinion of herself and her planetary reference section, and if it?s not in her precious [email protected]#&ing library, then it must not exist, and therefore must not be a threat to [email protected]#&ing civilization as she knows it. Obviously, I?m a little bitter, so I take pleasure in knowing that this wrinkled old hag would make a shitty, shitty toy?even with a lightsaber, which I assume she is not allowed to carry, due to her advanced age and ineptitude.
4) Star Whores
If there?s one environment or character set that Hasbro keeps coming back to, it?s the cantina on Tatooine. Nearly every alien in that scene has been made into a toy (including the bartender), and the bar itself has been made in plastic or cardboard a dozen times over. So where are the Tonnika sisters? Two of the only humans in the bar, they stood out because of their beauty and their crazy hairstyles, so for Hasbro not to make them must mean there?s a reason. It may be a likeness rights issue, or it may simply be the fact that they were nicknamed ?the Star Whores.? It wouldn?t be on the packaging, of course, but if word got around the Internet that Hasbro was making toys of well-known space sluts, certain parent groups might object.
?Now hold on a minute,? you may say. ?I actually own an E.T. toy.? That?s true, you do, but do you own a Senator E.T. toy? It?s easy to check. When you push a button on the back of your E.T. toy, does it attach a rider to a bill, granting a lucrative contract to a local military contractor? No? That?s because we will never get a toy of any of the E.T.s who were seen in the Senate scene in The Phantom Menace. They were a cute little nod to Lucas? longtime collaborator Steven Spielberg and the movie he would eventually butcher (like Lucas would do with his Star Wars films), but they are also a licensing nightmare. Also, it has recently come to the general public?s attention that E.T. is completely naked, and the last thing America wants to be reminded of is its problem with pantsless Senators.
2) Fat Scottish Jabba
Remember the magical 1970s, when George Lucas? reach exceeded his grasp? When he had such massive ideas that he couldn?t fully realize them on film, and had to make do with what he had? As opposed to now, when he has the powers of a god, but can only tell the story of the Clone Wars over and over? Anyway, in 1977, he filmed a scene with Jabba the Hutt for the original Star Wars, but he couldn?t get the whole ?giant lizard puppet? thing to happen, so he cast a stocky Scottish actor. The scene was cut, and the prototypical Hutt never appeared on the big screen, thereby guaranteeing that we would never get a toy. Because, three Austin Powers Fat Bastard action figures notwithstanding, no one wants to buy a toy of a fat Scotsman.
1) Bea Arthur
The 1978 Holiday Special was a virtual Who?s Who of 1970s television. Besides Diahann Carroll, the special included Art Carney, Harvey Korman, the band Jefferson Starship and a pre-Golden Girls Bea Arthur as Ackmena the bartender. While Ackmena was far from the most ridiculous thing in the special (Harvey Korman?s volcano-headed bar patron may take the cake), there was something surreal about one of the Golden Girls tending bar in a cantina full of aliens that made the whole affair feel like an episode of ?The Muppet Show.? And while Korman would have made a halfway decent action figure, we really can?t imagine anyone wanting to buy a toy of this fairly standard-looking older woman?except most of America. Seriously, the woman has become something of an icon. But Hasbro will never make her?after all, it took 24 years to make Yarna D?al Gargan, and Bea Arthur has one-third as many breasts. ?Okay, one-half. But you didn?t hear it from me.