Comics, Movies, Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: “Padme Goes Star-Hopping”

0

106890_5EWB2BFA5FEVYZN8PNBMQAGBLG7HYX_padme_H142505_L.jpg

?Let’s see… we’ve run the gamut of fan fiction extremes in FFF recently, from the joys of ComicsNix to the non-joys of Resident Evil‘s Jill Valentine involuntarily giving birth to a pile of snakes. So let’s swing back to the middle and just run some really inexplicable smut, shall we?

Padm?’s smile widened. Despite his appearance, she was getting a quiet
thrill from this. She always enjoyed finding innocent boys and making
them into less innocent men. She wondered if it was a trait of Naboo
women, or just women in general. She set down her glass and crossed to
the bed. “What about the brown eyes?” she said, bending low over the
youngster until he met her gaze.

“I like brown eyes,” he said, and Padm? laughed at his innocent tone.

“Do you like mine?”

“Yeah, they’re nice,” he said.

Padm? shook her head, and sat down on the bed next to him, drawing an
arm around his shoulders. “It’s a start, but you’ve got to be able to
compliment a girl properly. Women like being talked into bed.”

“Whadda I say?” the Lepi asked, looking confused.

“Well, tell me what you think of me. How does my body look?”

“Good.”

“Be inventive,” Padm? said patiently.

Jaxxon thought for a moment, his gaze wandering somewhat shyly over his
new companion’s form. She smiled, relaxing into an easy posture and
allowing him to gain inspiration from her curves. She crossed her legs,
her skirt sliding up just enough to bare an inch or two of calf to the
youngster.

Jaxxon, for those who don’t know, was a character in one issue of the old Marvel Star Wars comic who looked like this:

jaxxon2.jpg

?For those who did recognize Jaxxon’s name, like me, I’d like to say AAAAAAAAAA PADME IS ABOUT TO FUCK A GREEN BUNNY. Shall we?


elmer_fudd.jpg

?I thought I’d just get that out of the way.

“Well,” he began, tugging at his collar, “I confess this rabbit ain’t
seen nearly as many fems as he’d like, but you take the carrot-cake,
sweet tush. You got a body smooth as a neutron star, lemme tell ya,
enough ta make anyone go space-loopy. Those legs go from here ta the
Tion Cluster, I bet, an’ I wouldn’t mind goin’ faster-than-light into ya
Hegemony, if ya catch my drift chart.”

“I don’t, actually. Is my vagina the Hegemony in this metaphor? Does faster-then-light indicate premature ejaculation here? It’s all very unclear.”

Padm? couldn’t help but grin at the floppy-eared critter’s colorful
language. “Keep it up, Jax, and you just might,” she murmured sidelong,
and let her hand trail around the Lepi’s collar.

“I ain’t usually one fer that kinda talk, sweetie,” Jaxxon said, easing
into his newfound role. “Usually gets me a slap ‘cross the chops here
on Coachelle.”

Padm?’s grin widened, and she tugged one of Jaxxon’s ears down to her
lips. “You just haven’t been talking to the right women,” she whispered.
He started tapping his flat feet eagerly against the floor.

You should have been talking to whores, Jaxxon! That’s your problem.

By now, Padm? would have locked lips with her lover, but the rabbit’s
way with words didn’t compensate for those buck-teeth of his.

maximus contempt disgust 2.jpg

?

Instead,
the sultry senator decided to hurry along to the next stage of Jaxxon’s
education. Feeling the familiar tease of dirty exhilaration flowing
upwards through her body, Padm? lowered herself to her knees in front of
the Lepi, who blinked down at her with wide eyes. “Have you ever seen a
woman like this before, Jax?” she asked coyly.

“You mean, slutting it up? Yeah, I had the Playboy Channel for a bit.”

“Can’t say I have, toots,” he remarked, and watched intently as Padm?
ran her hands along his jumpsuit-clad legs. Reaching his tool belt, she
sought out his zipper, and tugged it down swiftly.

“You can now,” Padm? grinned, and wrapped her small fingers around the
bulge she quickly discovered inside the bunny’s britches. He was hard
already–of course–though Padm? found herself impressed when her
fingertips barely even touched around his girth. “Now that just isn’t
fair, Jax,” she simpered, pulling the Lepi’s manhood out into full view,
“depriving all those girls of this delicious-looking piece of meat!”

Hey, how about picture of a SUPER-SERIOUS REPRESENTATION of Jaxxon?

Jaxxon-gamer.jpg

?There! Natalie Portman’s about to suck that rabbit’s dick. Enjoy!

His shaft was thick and as green as the rest of him–and thankfully
devoid of fur–though not as large as the alien dicks Padm? had grown
accustomed to over the past few days. Nevertheless, she eyed it with
desire, the tip already leaking juicy pre-cum, and she couldn’t help but
stick out her tongue and lap tenderly at the bulbous head. Jaxxon
groaned low in his throat, and made affirmative noises. “Mmm, I was
right,” Padm? said.

“Tastes like Trix cereal.”

Jaxxon remained silent, words clearly having failed him, and let the
sultry senator have her fill. She lapped at him again, eager to soak her
tongue in his sweet taste, and massaged his shaft under her fingers.
Murmuring softly to herself, Padm? ducked her head, latching her lips to
his knob, before sucking him gently into her mouth. She watched his
reaction, as she always enjoyed doing, and was not disappointed by the
look of unbridled joy that took hold of his rubbery face. It was
charming, in a way–but Padm? was no longer concerned about his
appearance.

She sucked him down with more gusto, letting her skilled tongue do the
work, bathing his rigid shaft as she suckled on his juicy man-carrot
from above. She let his dick bump briefly against her tonsils, but held
off from deep-throating the lengthy prick–if Jaxxon was as inexperienced
as he said, he wouldn’t last long against the kind of pleasure Padm?
could give him.

All right. When you got to the word “man-carrot,” you probably thought “Hey, wait a minute… this must be a crackfic.” I sure did. But I don’t think so, and here’s why: I deleted about 2,000 words prior to this sex scene — words used solely to get Padme to Jaxxon’s planet, meet the rabbit, etc. That’s a lot of set-up for a crackfic. And although I’ve edited it down, the entire story is 5,400 words — a pretty fucking long tale just to shock people with the word “man-carrot.” And furthermore, the author Kooriv has written 12 other erotic fan fics, all of similar length. Even if he thinks he’s a crack-fic author, he’s crossed the line into erotic fan fic author by sheer volume.

Also, he’s writing about Princess Leia’s mom giving a blowjob to a rabbit.

Instead, she reluctantly popped him free of her mouth, ensuring he
caught sight of the thin strand of saliva that briefly hung between his
head and her bubbling, red lips. “How was that, Jax?” she asked.

“Might just be my new favorite pastime,” the Lepi quipped eagerly.

Padm? smiled wickedly. “Well, since you enjoyed it so much, perhaps
you’d like to return the favor?” she offered, taking to her feet. The
Lepi blinked curiously. Padm? guessed she would have to lead him through
it–but the prospect excited her all the same.

Yeah, ladies, nothing better than a guy who’s really shitty at cunnilingus, amirite?

Facing away from the bed-bound bunny, Padm? lifted her skirt slightly,
and dipped a hand between her legs. Glancing back to ensure she had
Jaxxon’s full attention, Padm? grasped the waistband of her panties and
wiggled her ass, sliding them down over her hips. Jaxxon’s gaze was
fixed on her pert backside as it jiggled under her dress, his cock
twitching impatiently in his lap.

Padm? tossed her panties lightly to the floor and turned to face him,
beckoning him to stand. She strode to the bed and mounted it on all
fours, taking to the center and glancing back over her shoulder.
“Ready?” she asked, wiggling her upraised ass again.

“Eat my woman-lettuce, Jaxxon! Or some other more vagina-like vegetable! I don’t know what the female equivalent of man-carrot should be.”

Jaxxon grinned, and quickly mounted the bed to press himself urgently
against Padm?, straddling her backside as if riding a bantha. She felt
his cock poking insistently between her legs, and had to reach around to
grip it tightly, holding him in place. “Easy, tiger,” she warned. “Like
I said, I want you to do something for me first.”

Noting Jaxxon’s continued puzzlement, Padm? hiked her skirt higher,
revealing the tops of her thighs and her naked pussy. “See if you can
bring the bunny out of her warren,” she grinned wickedly.

maximus contempt disgust 3.jpg

?I will, however, forgive this line if Padme ends up pulling a rabbit out of her vagina. I mean, besides Jaxxon.

Clearly still lost at sea, but willing to follow Padm?’s lead, Jaxxon
knelt on the edge of the bed and approached her waiting snatch with
curiosity. He placed his hands on the backs of her thighs, taking a
moment to marvel at the softness of her flesh as he squeezed his
fingers, then peered at her cunt like it was a priceless artefact.
“Don’t be shy,” Padm? prompted, “why don’t you cop a feel, bunny-boy?”

Obediently, the furry critter raised his thumb and pressed it to the
opening of Padm?’s juicy slit. She cooed in response, bringing a broad
smile to Jaxxon’s face. “I did somethin’ good, right?” He slid his thumb
along the length of her lower lips.

This brings up so many questions about the Lepi’s reproductive habits. The males have penises, but presumably the females don’t have vaginas? Or maybe they do have vaginas, and Jaxxon is just totally retarded? Because I remember my first encounter with a vagina, and while I was pretty unsure of myself, I knew enough that poking it wouldn’t make it explode or anything. It’s not a goddamn landmine. (Okay, well, it is, but only emotionally.)

“Keep doing it,” Padm? said, and bucked her hips for emphasis. Jaxxon
cupped his hand over her mound, running his thumb in circles against her
folds, listening out for the moans of appreciation from his teacher.
“Give me more,” she ordered.

“Stick another thumb in there! You’re Jack Horner, and my pussy is the Christmas pie!”
“Please, ma’am, can we stick to rabbit-themed nursery rhymes?”
“Sorry.”

Carefully, Jaxxon pressed his fingertip to her flowery opening and
pushed, feeling his digit slip easily inside her lubricated tunnel.
Padm? gasped as she felt the Lepi’s finger filling her fuck-hole; it
felt bigger than some dicks she had taken, and she was eager to have it
fill her completely. She bucked against Jaxxon’s hand as he explored her
sweet confines, wiggling his digit between her walls and eliciting more
pleasurable moans. “That’s right,” she murmured. “You’re a pilot,
right? Pilots are good with their hands.”

“That’s right, doll,” Jaxxon said proudly, and scuffed her inner
pleasure spot lightly, causing Padm? to shriek deeply. “I can make
freighters sing too.”

Jaxxon gives handjobs to spaceships. Got it.

She bared her teeth as he brushed her sensitive spot again. “I hope you’re not comparing me to a freighter, Jax.”

Well, to be fair, Padme, you did drop your panties at light speed.

“Naw,” he soothed, sliding his finger deeper into her puffy twat. “you’re a cruise liner, darlin’. A real pleasure yacht.”

“Yeah, I can’t wait to let you drop anchor in my… wait, I think this metaphor got away from me.”

“Oh yeah?” Padm? prompted, feeling Jaxxon’s free hand clawing upwards
to her ass. She slid her skirt higher, baring her buttocks, and the Lepi
clutched and squeezed at her peachy flesh in wonderment.

A giant green rabbit is “clutching” at Padme’s “puffy twat.” I mean, who isn’t totally aroused right now?

“Yeah,” he breathed, circling his finger inside her wetness. “All
smooth lines, ya know. Beautiful form an’ structure. Designer shoulda
got a medal.”

“Naboo craftsmanship, honey,” Padm? laughed, “best in all the Mid Rim.”

Dear men: Please compare your ladies to large watercraft tonight. I’m sure it will work out “swimmingly”! /rimshot

Jaxxon squeezed her ass again, and when his thumb–likely
accidentally–brushed her enflamed clit, Padm? squealed and decided she’d
had enough of this lesson. She slipped herself off Jaxxon’s finger and
turned to face him, taking his hand in hers.

“You were talking earlier about breeding,” she said, bringing his
outstretched finger up to her lips. She suckled on his digit, tasting
her own juices on her tongue, and grinned. “Why don’t you show me how
you do it on Coachelle?”

“Actually, we do it just like humans, but sometimes we eat the babies afterwards. Admittedly, it’s kinda fucked up.”

Jaxxon gave a sidelong smile. “We ain’t even married,” he said, stroking his cock in readiness.

imgpat the bunny3.jpg

?

“Then let’s just fuck,” Padm? grinned, and beckoned Jaxxon with a
finger. Following her command, the Lepi lay on his back in the center of
the circular bed, gazing up at Padm? as she straddled him, still fitted
snugly into her senatorial dress with her skirt hiked up high.

“Ain’t ya slippin’ inta somethin’ more comfortable?”

Padm? gazed down at him slyly, one hand snaking between their bodies to
grasp his green dick firmly. “You’ll get plenty of opportunities to see
some skin, believe me,” she smirked, and drew his attention back to the
matter in hand by sliding his shaft along her wet folds. “Let’s make
this hard and dirty.”

She eased Jaxxon’s length inside herself, marvelling at his girth,
sinking inch after inch of his meat into her burrow. The Lepi’s ears
were sticking out straight, and he had his eyes tightly closed. Padm?
could only imagine how the first feel of a woman’s intimacy was feeling
for him, and she wanted to leave the best impression.

Padme wants her pussy to be on its best behavior.

Slowly, the sultry senator began gyrating her hips, riding a wide
circle atop Jaxxon’s dick, her fingers laced in the tufty fur poking out
above his jumpsuit. The Lepi responded with ragged jerks of his hips,
trying to impale himself deeply inside Padm?’s steaming cunt, though the
brunette slowed him with a squeeze of her inner muscles. “Ease off the
throttle, flyboy,” she teased, “I don’t want you going into hyperspace
just yet.”

Get it? GET IT?! BECAUSE THEY’RE IN STAR WARS, YOU SEE

Padm? took control, dictating Jaxxon’s pace with languid rolls of her
curvy hips. He gripped her thighs tightly, kneading her flesh as she
rocked his dick back and forth inside her snatch. “Ya sure know how ta
get a rabbit excited,” he commented in a breathy voice.

“You should see what I can do to groundhogs.”

Padm? laughed and threw out her long hair, letting the brown ringlets
cascade over her shoulders. Jaxxon’s knob was raging mightily inside
her, and she wanted nothing more than to go wild–but the rabbit would
need a few more years under his utility belt before he could match the
voraciousness of a woman like Padm? Amidala.

Tempering her need for speed, the senator slid herself with sultry
excess on his slippery pole, using the fine muscle control she had
developed over the years to squeeze and milk every ounce of pleasure
from the Lepi’s manhood. He was certainly enjoying it, burbling various
phrases and obscenities under his breath. “That’s good,” he breathed,
“real good!”

This is the weirdest Nestle Quik commercial ever.

“You’ve been missing out, Jax,” Padm? said with a deep sigh. “The galaxy’s full of pleasure. It’s not all about star-hopping.”

“A galaxy with you in is good enough fer this rabbit,” Jaxxon replied,
and bucked his hips between Padm?’s bouncing legs with eager energy. The
senator let him carry on, matching his wild thrusts with her own
vigorous humping, her buttocks slapping against his jumpsuited thighs.

Soon the pair were lost to a cacophony of thrusting wet slaps and
grunts of pleasure. Padm? lowered herself over Jaxxon, wrapping her arms
under and around his neck, and the rabbit grabbed hold of her buttocks
to ream her more fully. Hooking his knees, the Lepi plundered Padm?’s
snug snatch with vicious snaps of his hips, hard enough to jolt her
frame and cause her to yell in throaty lust. “Oh, yes!” she called into
his furry ears, “that’s it! You’re doing good, Jax!”

Anyone get the feeling this is going to end up just like Of Mice and Men? Because that would be awesome.

This brought a wide grin to the Lepi’s fuzzy face, and his nose
twitched as an idea struck him. “D’ya think it’s about time I showed ya
how we do it here on Coachelle?”

Padm? smiled lustily, tugging at his ears, and nodded. Quick as a
flash, Jaxxon jumped up and threw Padm? face-down onto the bed. He
resumed his earlier position directly behind the kneeling brunette, his
raging knob pressing against her backside. He rubbed his hands eagerly
over her pink buttocks. “Ya know this one?” he grinned.

“It’s familiar to Humans, yes,” Padm? smiled back, and moaned as she
felt Jaxxon press the tip of his erection to her puffy pussy.

He slid himself inside her wetness, trying to push to his limit, and
bent low over Padm?’s crooked body. “We call it the Lepi style,” he
boasted, and wasted no more time by fucking the petite brunette.

Much like we humans call the missionary position “human style.”

Padm? sank to her elbows, keeping her ass high for Jaxxon to angle his
long dick inside her, and weathered every ragged thrust with a moan of
delight. The energetic bunny seemed to be on his second wind, humping
his lover with enthused jabs of his fat cock, even his imprecise thrusts
doing wonders in this position.

5187642353_d7eb626697.jpg

?Sigh. I didn’t feel good about inserting this picture.

Padm? loved to be taken on all fours,
and continued to be delighted in finding species who shared her fervor.

When Jaxxon grabbed a handful of Padm?’s hair and rode her with lusty
tugs on her mane, she felt the stirrings of an orgasm in her stuffed
loins. Bucking like a ronto against the Lepi, she let out an extended
squeal of joy as if riding on a Calamari supercoaster.

Dear Kooriv: Congratulations. I believe you are the first person in history to mix two totally fictional — and quite stupid — Star Wars metaphors. Well done indeed.

Feeling Jaxxon similarly reaching the verge of his pleasure, Padm?
deftly slid out from under his bucking body and spun around to gobble
down his honey-soaked dick. Jaxxon moaned aloud as one tight, wet burrow
was replaced by another, and bucked his hips into Padm?’s slobbering
mouth. The senator reached down beneath her skirt to ensure her own
continued pleasure, slipping two welcome fingers into her velvety
snatch, keeping her body brimming with orgasmic energy.

I wish to god there were such a thing as Adjective Police, just so I could report this guy.

Under the relentless vacuum of Padm?’s throat, Jaxxon climaxed quickly,
shooting a gush of hot spunk down her gullet with a shrill cry. The
sensation, coupled with Padm?’s manual ministrations, pushed her over
the edge, and she came around her fingers with a deep and lustrous moan.
Letting the Lepi spend himself inside her mouth, Padm? nuzzled into his
furry crotch until the last of his seed trickled between her lips, then
released him. She slid onto her belly and gazed up at the lagomorph,
watching his tufty chest rise and fall. “Enjoy yourself, flyboy?” she
asked softly.

“Are all Human fems like that?” he breathed, as if he’d just flown around the Fire Rings of Fornax.

BOY THIS SURE IS STAR WARS ISN’T IT

“Depends on the fem,” Padm? replied. “But you’ll know how to handle yourself now, I hope.”

TheMoreYouKnow.gif

?

Jaxxon paused, gazing down at the sultry senator spread-eagled on the
bed. “I dunno,” he began, a gleam entering his eye, “I’d hate ta
disappoint ’em.”

A grin blossomed on Padm?’s sweaty, cum-streaked face. She clambered
shakily to her feet, and turned her back on Jaxxon. The Lepi obediently
sought out her zipper, and trailed it down to the base of her spine.
With a dancer’s poise, Padm? stepped out of her dress as it glided to a
pool on the floor, and kicked her feet free. Still turned away from her
energetic lover, Padm? reached back and took hold of his hand.

“Perhaps we should go over this Lepi style of yours,” she said, leading him towards the shower cubicle, “in greater detail.”

It’s goddamn doggie-style, not calculus. I think you idiots mastered the basics.

The Lepi followed with a grin on his face, his cock springing into action like a regular star-hopper.

Because star-hoppers…have… erections, I guess? AAARRGGH. Honestly, I find the author’s attempt to make sexual Star Wars euphemisms almost as horrible and gross as last week’s snake shenanigans. Anyways, the story actually has a two-part epilogue — no sex involved — which further lends credence to my theory that this was written on purpose. Meaning someone, somewhere was genuinely excited by the idea of Padme fucking a green rabbit. But it’s best not to think too much about that. In fact, it’s best to just pour yourself a stiff drink.  Just not with Quik, obviously.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.