The 10 Most Awesomely Insane Jack Chick Mini-Comics
Posted at 5:01 AM Sep 30, 2008
By Chris Cummins
The only path to heaven is to renounce your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. If you do anything else—listen to music, play games, drink, or enjoy a joint—you're going to hell faster than you can say "eternal damnation." Or so sayeth the Chick tracts. Created by cartoonist Jack Chick, these evangelical mini-comics have helped save the souls of sinners for over 40 years. Often taking the form of cautionary tales, the tracts have come under fire for denouncing opposing religious viewpoints and speaking out against the “evils” of everything from homosexuality (evil) to the works of J.K. Rowling (just as evil).
Yet despite their extreme approach, they’ve managed to gather a devoted following amongst Bible thumpers and heathens alike thanks to their cartoony visual style, their premise that virtually anything can and will lead you to hell, that even if you believe in Jesus regular life can be hilariously cruel, and being absolutely bat-shit insane. Featuring plenty of jaw-dropping moments, here’s a look at the 10 most memorable tracts that Chick Publications has to offer.
10) The Sissy?
Aimed at truckers (a notoriously godless bunch), The Sissy? follows no-nonsense good ol’ boys Duke and Billy Joe as they get a crash course in fundamentalism after a massive fellow driver overhears them calling Jesus a sissy. After nearly crapping their jeans, the road hogs get a lesson about what a swell guy the King of Kings was when heir new pal teaches them how a non-Christian lifestyle is a one-way ticket to hell.
Complete with a reference to The Six-Million Dollar Man, this tract from 1978 is a trip back in time to an era when the CB radio was king and real men spent their time on the open road—or having vaguely homoerotic lunches with a stranger who looks like Liberace.
9) Somebody Loves Me/Hard Times
Often, Chick Publications will adapt pre-existing tracts for African-American audiences, leaving the story unchanged but altering the race of the main characters from white to black. Thus we have Somebody Loves Me and Hard Times, a depressing story of neglect and child abuse that will leave you moping around for the rest of your Sunday as you try to complete your Daily List before deadline. Or maybe not. Moving on…
After somehow escaping from her violence-prone father, a young girl (at least, I think it’s a girl, the artwork seems confused as to what the kid‘s gender is) flees from her house to face the miserable world alone. Falling asleep in an alley, she discovers a pamphlet emblazoned with the message “SOMEBODY LOVES YOU.” Unsure as to what this means, the girl asks a mysterious stranger who tells her that Jesus is the one doing the loving before she leaves to get help. Well, the bitch never comes back and the adorable little moppet drops dead. In the end, our Dickensian hero is flown to heaven in the arms of an angel.
There are a few things about this story that are particularly troubling. Along with the aforementioned sexual ambiguity of our main character comes the fact that she lives an utterly horrible life before dying in the street. I know the point is that she will be taken care of in heaven and whatnot, but couldn’t we get this kid a My Little Pony or something before she had to shuffle off this mortal coil? And the stranger, is she a social worker or just some crazed zealot? Given how she lets the tyke die in the street while she is supposedly getting help, I’m voting for the latter.
8) Fairy Tales?
When two parents let their son Harry grow up without telling him that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are fake, he goes nuts and kills a schoolmate when he finally learns the truth, as all children do when faced with this situation, in Fairy Tales. He goes on to strangle a cellmate, and after his eventual release juvenile hall he takes part in a series of murders that place him alongside of Osama Bin Laden (who has a cameo in the story) on the FBI’s wanted list. Placed on death row, Harry is visited by a former pal from juvie who attempts to get him to repent his sins and accept Christ into his heart. Shortly after refusing, he is executed and sent to hell. So there you have it, a happy ending for everyone. Oh wait. Shit.
7) Angels?
Rock and roll is literally the devil’s music in Angels? Tired of being failures, the members of the Christian rock band The Green Angels decide to sell out when an agent named Lou Siffer (foreshadowing!) approaches them. Being complete morons, they ignore the fact that he is the devil and eager to get them to renounce their beliefs and sell him their souls. After they do, things get really strange, leading to some of the guys getting AIDS, overdosing, and, unbelievably enough, becoming vampires. Eventually, the remaining Green Angel realizes the error of ways and learns to love Jesus, but you’ll be laughing/crying at the world’s insanity too hard by then to care.
FYI: According to this tract, Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Kiss, Black Sabbath, Motley Crue and other musical acts are all part of Satan’s plan to corrupt minds and bring hell to Earth. Suddenly the ongoing popularity of American Idol makes sense.
6) Somebody Goofed
Winning the award for the best cover of any tract, Somebody Goofed examines how a well-meaning teen pays the ultimate price after he is befriended by a no-good greaser who encourages him to ignore salvation and play chicken with an oncoming train. You can guess how that turned out. In a twist that would have made Rod Serling proud, it is revealed that the story’s thug is in fact Satan himself, who clearly is bored out of his mind.
It is a known fact that if you love Jesus, you are rewarded with basic depth perception.
5) Happy Hour
I’m always interested in hearing tales about what Weird NJ magazine calls “old man bars,” local watering holes whose inhabitants are nearly always lovable alcoholics a la Andy Capp. Located in strip malls or on rundown corners, these buildings are nothing short of paradise for the oilers slowly drinking themselves to death inside. Set against such a backdrop of despair, the Happy Hour tract charts the sad life of a drinker named Jerry who is constantly getting sloshed at such awesomely named joints as The Bottoms Up Club, Diablo’s Den and The Cork. During a cash search at his house to fuel his passion for booze, he gets into an argument with his wife which results in her suffering a fatal heart attack. Afterwards, his unrealistically understanding daughter manages to pull him from the clutches of the local happy tap and into the arms of God. It just goes to show that in the skewed morality universe of Chick comics, even drunks who are indirectly responsible for the death of their spouses can find redemption after being born again. Now, who needs a drink?
4) Trust Me!
It’s a tale as old as time itself: an innocent high schooler falls in with the wrong crowd and quickly gets involved with drugs. During an attempt to sell some junk, he falls victim to a vice squad sting and is sentenced to a lengthy jail term. While doing his time, he is anally raped by a fellow inmate who infects him with AIDS.
As he prepares to die, he embraces the promise of eternal bliss in heaven. Oh, how often such heartwarming stories are told. One of the more graphic Chick tracts, Trust Me! is a doozy that somehow appeals to both anti-drug advocates and Oz fans.
3) Boo!
Jack Chick hates Halloween almost as much as he loves exclamation points. Many of his tracts are dedicated to drawing attention to the evils of October 31st and those heathens who choose to celebrate it. According to these themed pamphlets, Halloween is a day full of witchcraft, animal sacrifice and other dark deeds perpetuated by those who wish to commit acts worthy of Lucifer himself. As a result, these publications tend to go apeshit with their preachiness. Boo! is no exception. Taking place in Salem, Massachusetts, this story shows how Old Scratch takes the form of a pumpkin-headed murderer to wipe out fun-loving teens each Halloween. It goes on to analyze the holiday’s origins and how it “opens the door to Satanism.”
The Chick company encourages parents to give out tracts for Halloween in an effort to spread their message. This is actually an excellent idea given the unintentional hilarity of tracts such as this, though I wonder how the company feels about these things becoming party favors at hipster Halloween shindigs.
2) First Bite
Another anti-Halloween entry, this is the most recently released tract from Chick Publications and the first that seems to acknowledge that people read these things for entertainment value as well as salvation.
Calling itself “funny, campy, over-the-top,” First Bite introduces you to a vampire named Igor who is converted to Christianity by an chirpy woman named Faith. Yes, that’s right, the power of Christ is so strong that it can transform vampires into good church-loving folks. There you have it. With any luck, next year’s Halloween tract will feature the Creature from the Black Lagoon rescuing Jesus from the cross or casting Frankenstein, the Mummy and the Wolf Man as the Three Wise Men in the Nativity story.
1) Dark Dungeons
As a young Tom Hanks learned in Mazes & Monsters, playing Dungeons & Dragons is an evil which ranks next having sex with underage corpses. Easily the most notorious (if not the most parodied) of all Chick tracts, Dark Dungeons is a masterpiece of misguided panic. While playing the titular Dark Dungeons role-playing game, a group of girls get so involved with the world of the supernatural that the role-playing game promotes that they become obsessed with witchcraft and casting real-life spells. But when one of the girls kills herself after her character dies in the game, young Debbie heeds the warnings of her preacher to save her soul by burning such “occult paraphernalia” as rock music and Dungeons & Dragons merchandise that she owns.
This is one out of touch little religious pamphlet, but it does raise some interesting questions. Other than that chick in Wet Hot American Summer, we all know girls don't even play Dungeons & Dragons. Plus, the girl on the left was clearly half-orc to begin with, and everyone knows orcs are evil. Still, there's no saving throw for your eternal soul, people!
Comments
So did the waitress in "the sissy" admit that she was cheating on her old woman too?
Posted 09/30/2008 at 06:11:52 AMi was actually given somebody goofed by a youth worker when i was young, i really wish i'd held on to it now
Posted 09/30/2008 at 06:54:53 AMI have no idea how you missed The Beast.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0007/0007_01.asp
It's the all time best Chick tract. It has Satanists driving golf carts topped with guillotines killing Christians for trying to buy bread. Nothing tops that.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 07:28:36 AMI have no idea how you missed The Beast.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0007/0007_01.asp
It's the all time best Chick tract. It has Satanists driving golf carts topped with guillotines killing Christians for trying to buy bread. Nothing tops that.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 07:28:56 AMIt's worth noting that in "Somebody Loves Me," the line about "getting help" was added in later. In the original printing there wasn't any such offer of assistance; the lady simply walked away without a care to let the kid die in the alley.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 07:32:52 AMAnd while it's currently out of print, "Lisa" takes the bat-shit insane cake. It tells the story of an unemployed father who is sexually abusing his daughter Lisa. His neighbor finds out about it, but promises not to spill the beans provided he "shares the wealth." A visit to the family doctor reveals that Lisa has several STDs, but rather than calling the police, the Christian doctor takes the opportunity to witness to the father, who becomes a believer and is instantly cured of his unwholesome desires. He then witnesses to his wife - who reveals that she knew all along about him abusing their daughter - and they decide to stick together as a family the way Jesus would want them to, without any involvement from the pesky secular authorities. In the last panel we finally see Lisa, who is, at most five years old clutching her teddy bear as mommy and daddy promise that they won't hurt her anymore. Hooray! A happy ending!
Holy crap I remember reading some of those when I was a little kid in the 1980s. Those little black and white booklets of these Jack Chick comics were creepy
Posted 09/30/2008 at 07:36:58 AMhooray for indoctrination!
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:22:20 AMI think honorable mention should go to "Allah Had No Son" in which a Christian who is obviously speaking too damn loud is able to convert a Muslim through sheer talking and "logic." The art has been updated on this recently; the first time I saw it, the Christian's kid who sits around while the guy does his logic voodoo is constantly performing eye rolls and too busy with a soda to really care about what's happening.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:22:24 AMI love the art in Chic tacts and it's comforting to know how my Grandmother's friends get their opinions of the outside world.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:31:17 AMAs a side note, I also love the anti Catholic tracts, I had no idea Jesus hated them so much. I'd better tell my folks to cut it out...
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:36:27 AMI think it's more comforting that a murderer goes to hell than to think he can save himself at the last minute. (Fairy Tales?)
Thanks for sharing these. I never knew they existed.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 09:15:04 AMI am a Christian and I have to say I remember seeing these tracts various places in hotels and such. Batshit insane is an understatement I just would like to let you know most of us are not like this, and this behavior is mostly confined to Chicks and the people who live with him in his compound in crazy town. Also it's funny how the literature linked about D&D was written in the mid 80's, It seems so prophetic now.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 09:45:49 AMDamn, christians are crazy.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 11:31:46 AM"Angels?" is a personal fave, when I saw it reviewed by Liquorhead on X-Entertainment.
Two best things about the comic? One, the manager being named Lew Siffer, and their live performance, with the lyrics being, "We're Gonna Rock Rock Rock...Rock with The Rock!"
Classic...
Posted 09/30/2008 at 11:57:31 AMfirst of all what kind of name for a bar is "The Cork"? it sounds like a gay bar to me, so yeah, that dad definatley went to hell in those comics.
also, look at the inmate next to the rapist in the prison panel, so its a jail for zombies too?
Posted 09/30/2008 at 01:01:55 PMChrist... I'm glad you posted Somebody Loves Me. I caught that one off a float in Houma Louisiana's Mardis Gras celebration when I was 12. Horrified the hell out of me. It was the first Chick Tract I ever saw, and wondered how this was supposed to win me over to Jeebus. Good Christians find a bloodied, beaten child and think telling him about Jesus is enough "care" to give. Fuck you, Chick.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 03:55:24 PMI love Dark Dungeons so much, I ordered some through the mail. now I get that goofball's quarterly newsletter. :-\
Since we're here, I believe a Cthulhu Tract is in order: http://www.fredvanlente.com/cthulhutract/pages/
Posted 09/30/2008 at 05:59:51 PMI like the ones about Freemasonry. "The Unwelcome Guest" has the whole Baphomet thing, then goes on to criticize it for allowing Muslims to join and swear on the Quran that Allah is the king of the Universe. I want to join a lodge swearing on the Korda Avesta, just cause Zoroastrians have the coolest god name, Ahura Mazda.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:35:15 PMJack T. Chick also had some comic books with two protagonists name "Jim and Tim". I remember the Spellbound edition of the book cause it had back-masking, seances, and bloodletting all due to rock music. I was so freaked out about listening to Dio or Blue Oyster Cult for a long time.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 08:39:37 PMThis is the best list compiled on TR in a long time.
Posted 09/30/2008 at 09:29:41 PMBe sure and check out the Jack Chick Parody Archive
http://www.weirdcrap.com/chick/
Posted 09/30/2008 at 10:08:38 PMHoly crap, I thought I was alone with my fascination of Chick publications and that crazy bat shit insane stuff they put in them. God damn he has some issues. I'm so glad you mentioned "The Sissy". Such a classic. Thank you for making this list. So far, it is your best one. But as far as only 10 Awesomely Insane, you should have done a bit more. There's just too many great ones you missed out on!
Posted 10/01/2008 at 02:35:40 AMWhile we're at it, go hit the tip jar for Epsilon Minus, who had the stones to keep up the Darque Dungeon parody tract:
http://www.epsilonminus.com/darquedungeon/
/I have no skills.
Posted 10/01/2008 at 06:19:01 AMDoes Jack Chick make these anymore these days or not? Damn they were creepy back then during the 1980s.
Posted 10/01/2008 at 04:04:58 PMI want to thank someone for leaving Doom Town on my car when I was in college in response to my rainbow sticker on my car. The skull and cross bones staring back at me from my windshield shocked the hell out of me. I stopped going to church that week. But I kept on being a lesbian. F-you Chick. Asshole.
Posted 10/01/2008 at 08:06:51 PMAin't those christians fun?
Posted 10/02/2008 at 03:25:26 PMSWEET! Chick tracts are available in esperanto!
Posted 10/03/2008 at 11:49:37 AMFor the person who was happy that the murderer went to hell in Fairy Tales, you may want to read The Gunslinger.
http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0037/0037_1.htm
I think the only reason this beauty didn't make the list is because Terrible Tom (the evil titular gunslinger) isn't ever shown killing anybody prior to his execution.
Posted 10/15/2008 at 06:56:35 PMthis just proves that jack chick is insane, hateful, paranoid, and out of touch with the world around him keep up th good work!
Posted 10/26/2008 at 01:57:36 PMI love the Halloween themed Chick Tracts. I like “Boo!” a lot, but also “The Devil’s Night” and “The Little Princess.” Someone made a short film of “The Little Princess” - you can see it over at http://www.316now.com. It’s a hoot.
There's also 10 other short films based on actual Chick Tracts. Among them are my favorites "Wounded Children" (Satan makes a kid gay) and "Bewitched?" (Satan uses drugs to get at a young soul.) Those are available at that site as well.
Posted 11/03/2008 at 10:11:25 AMOMG......flashbacks. I had these things shoved down my throat by my hellfire and brimstone southern baptist preacher uncle. They scared and horrified me. No child at only 8 years of age should be exposed to these things. I was expected to take them to school and pass them out. I was afraid not to...hell would open up at my feet and swallow me whole if I did not! To quote Lindsay above "hooray for indoctrination!". I cried for days after reading Someone Loves Me. The only thing I learned from those tracts was to not be like the people writing them. That I could have my beliefs without judging the beliefs of others. That it all comes down to living your life in a way that honors yourself and the people around you. Man....I guess I learned a lesson, but not the critical-hypocritical one that these things push. Still probably gonna have a nightmare or two anyway.
Posted 12/31/2008 at 04:15:12 PMOMG......flashbacks. I had these things shoved down my throat by my hellfire and brimstone southern baptist preacher uncle. They scared and horrified me. No child at only 8 years of age should be exposed to these things. I was expected to take them to school and pass them out. I was afraid not to...hell would open up at my feet and swallow me whole if I did not! To quote Lindsay above "hooray for indoctrination!". I cried for days after reading Someone Loves Me. The only thing I learned from those tracts was to not be like the people writing them. That I could have my beliefs without judging the beliefs of others. That it all comes down to living your life in a way that honors yourself and the people around you. Man....I guess I learned a lesson, but not the critical-hypocritical one that these things push. Still probably gonna have a nightmare or two anyway.
Posted 12/31/2008 at 04:15:49 PMhow did you miss "Lisa"? the one where a unemployed father and his neighbor molest his 5 year old daughter, then when he gets found out by a doctor (because they gave her an STD) he gets convinced by said doctor to accept jesus, and all of his sins are forgiven like they never even happened, never mind calling the police or anything. oh right, and all of this was because he started watching porn, which was presented in a much more negative light than raping his children.
you can read it at http://www.angelfire.com/on/3angels/lisa.html
Posted 01/17/2009 at 11:05:13 PMHEY! Orcs aren't always evil. In the "Warcraft" universe the Orcs, led by their warshief Thrall, got rid of their demonic corruption and lost their bloodlust, and they soon after became a vast civilization spreading across the continent of Kalimdor. Some Orcs, however, particularly the ones still left in Outland, the remnants of the Orcs' former home planet Draenor, remain under the control of the Fel Horde Warchief Kargath Bladefist, and to a greater extent under the control of Illidan Stormrage, the self-proclaimed Lord of Outland.
Posted 01/19/2009 at 06:54:18 AMI just found a copy of "The Sissy?" at a mates place here in Brisbane, Australia. I couldn't believe what it was and knew I had seen it somewhere before so here I am. Cheers Google. I had a good laugh reading it. The guy who seems to shrug off beating up 3 guys, throwing the third through a plate glass window, quakes in his boots seconds after hearing about his path to hell. Then the last half is the big fundamentalist trucker spewing quotes from Romans mostly. Just wanted to let you know this propaganda makes its way all over the world.
Posted 01/22/2009 at 01:27:21 AMIf there were a devil and he was looking for something to make god look bad, chick tracts would be it.
Posted 02/11/2009 at 12:55:06 PM