Weekstarter: All Turds Bought and Sold (and Donated)

Odds are that you’ll either be occupied with family later in the week…or lonely, drunk and watching porn. We wholeheartedly salute either choice, and while you’re still paying attention to the Internet, want to get the next few days started right with whole sack full of stories – 19 in all – that we (and you) you may have missed over the last few days. Tips are compiled by Kyle LeClair; tipsters working overtime this week include SlyDante777, Gallen_Dugall, troi, NebulaJack

Are you ready to read about new Free Comic Book Day details, generous ways to literally dump your shit, Santa vs. kittens, robot arms, meme pinball and more? Then read on…

1. Kittens vs. Santa.

Is it already time for a post-holiday tale? Yes…a SCRATCHING-post holiday tale! Kittens trigger an allergy attack in Santa and have to finish his job for him, in a rare non-ripoff movie from The Asylum that apparently also espouses the objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand. No, I’m not kidding – it’s what I’ve heard from others who watched.

2. Mostly Armless.

A shoulder-level double amputee gets thought-controlled robot limbs. Girlfriend is presumably trying to figure out if they can be ribbed for her pleasure.

3. They Need the D’oh.

Mythbusters will be doing a Simpsons-themed episode, in which they presumably will calculate how long a thing can actually live after jumping over a shark.

4. I’ll…Be…Right…Here.

An Atari E.T. game buried in a landfill will be added to the Smithsonian collection, because they have nothing better to do than foil Rob Bricken’s plans.

5. Secret Asian Woman.

You might think this SNL skit is about misogyny, but actually, it’s about ethics in doll creation.

6. Naruto, Naruto, I Love You, Naruto…

Japanese Naruto musical cast debuts in costume – look like typical San Diego Comic-Con attendees after three days and no showers.

7. The Bear Goes Over the Mountain, and See What You Then See….

Adult Swim teaches us the full extent of why Stephen Colbert is afraid of bears.

8. Following That…

In a not-dissimilar vein, the domestic trailer for It Follows, a nicely original horror film I’m quite fond of, debuted this weekend. It opens in March. Warning: the trailer may spoil more than you wish to know.

9. Snacking Through the Snow.

Japanese snack company Glico turns the sounds of crunching, shaking, biting and unwrapping into a series of Christmas carols. When you eat with your mouth open, though, you still sound like a restless hippo, so don’t copy this.

10. Give a Shit; Donate Your Crap.

Not a metaphor. Very, very literal.

11. Belcher Bottom Dollar.

Bob’s Burgers joins Fight Club, Doctor Who, Savage Dragon, Bodie Troll, Rabbids and more reveals for Free Comic Book Day. But Bob and family get the best cover.

12. Alert Penn & Teller.

The absolute apex of American marketing is that Cards Against Humanity persuaded people to buy genuine, literal bullshit and somehow hope they’d be getting something else instead.

13. The Upward Spiral.

If reading TR daily isn’t wasting enough of your time, the online spirograph has the rest of it covered.

14. Hogging All the Space.

Is Star Citizen the game Destiny wanted to be?

15. Machine Heads.

Latest theories on alien life is that its dominant form is most likely to exist in the form of super-intelligent machines. It is further theorized that they’ll probably never contact us because we’re so far beneath them. Either that or they know we’ll show them cheesy movies, the worst we can find.

16. Is This a Spare Rib? Because It Tickles My Funny Bone.

The game of Operation is recreated using Grand Theft Auto V.

17. Everybody Hurts.

FINALLY – I’ve waited two decades at least to be vindicated in the notion that Mega Man was insanely hard, and I wasn’t just a terrible player. (I mean, I WAS…but I wasn’t JUST.)

18. Black, No. 1.

Here’s the teaser for the next season of Orphan Black, which is not to be confused with the new remake of Annie.

19. Death to Collectors.

This 6-inch Judge Death figure is a little small to play with Mezco’s upcoming 8-inch Dredd, but you cannot kill my love for that which doessss not liiiiveee…