By Rob Bricken in
Comics, Daily Lists
Monday, Dec. 29 2008 @ 5:03AM
By Teague BohlenIn the Iron Man movie, there are three (sort of) armors made by Tony Stark: the Mark I, the crude prototype he makes under duress; the Mark II, which is a streamlined silver suit with a few bugs to work out; and the Mark III, which solves some of those bugs and puts Tony in the familiar red and gold. But comic fans know that in terms of armor, three is most definitely not the magic number.
Of course, those same fans--even fabled Marvel zombies--would be hard-pressed to come up with a full list of the Iron Man armors that Tony Stark has put together. Like software, there seem to be both edition and version changes to the various suits, which makes understanding the armor family tree sort of difficult. And in any family tree, there are bound to be some rotten apples. Here, then, the 10 silliest suits Tony Stark made.
10) Original Grey
Okay, so it's not exactly fair to judge a suit of armor that was originally built in a Vietnamese prisoner of war camp, under threat of death, by a near-dead inventor. But still, this suit had virtually nothing going for it except that it stopped bullets. In the movie, at least it was some offensive capability, but the original was just a strong, hulking, slow pile of scrap welded together. It did have the chest-beam, but it was pretty weak at first. And it had a hacksaw hidden in one finger, which sort of turned it into a giant swiss army knife. Knowing Tony, it had a corkscrew and bottle opener in there somewhere, too.
9) Golden Armor
Building on the "success" of the Mark I, the Mark II was the first suit crafted out of captivity, and with the Stark fortune at full disposal. And mainly, what all that money accomplished was...to paint it gold. That's more a solution you'd expect to see in a Richie Rich comic, isn't it? This new color scheme was ostensibly done to make it less threatening to the public, as though the skull-mask wasn't the main problem there. Yeah, there were some other improvements, too. Better collapsibility (it could fit in a briefcase, remember?), all that. Stuff to make storytelling a little easier. But it still looked like a big walking pile of Vietnamese junk.
8) Flexi-Armor
Setting aside the idea that this armor sounds like something that Tony Stark would rather his girlfriends wear for kinky Iron-sex, this armor isn't so much on this list for its own merits, but rather because it's a complete artistic cop-out. Flexi-armor that's stronger and more durable than the previous hard-shell, but contours to the body in liquid-fashion? Here's the way I see the conversation between writer Stan Lee and penciller Gene Colan:
Gene: Stan, I can't draw Iron Man crouching. He's a robot with human eyes. There are physical limitations to the suit.
Stan: So take some liberties, Gene "the Dean"! The kids won't mind!
Gene: Really, boss, can we save the nicknames for the title pages?
Stan: Cool your boot-jets, true believer! I'll just make the armor flexible, but somehow even stronger than before! The kids will eat it up!
Gene: Flexi-armor? That doesn't make sense.
Stan: Excelsior!
7) Prometheum Armor
Sometimes, visual appeal trumps realism. This is just the way it works in comics. This Jim Lee-created armor was popular with fans, but it's pretty much the height of form over function. It's got tailpipes up the back (there's a pseudo-scientific explanation for that, I'm sure, but I'm past caring), and most of the joints of the armor reveal snaking clusters of metal tubes and wires that power the suit. Again, sort of techno-cool, but it makes the suit pretty vulnerable at the same time, doesn't it? I mean, even a moron like Paste Pot Pete could tug out one of those armpit-coils, or stick a banana in one of those tailpipes, and all of a sudden, Iron Man is toast and Pete's a badass.
6) Hulkbuster Armor
Not specifically an armor unto itself, but rather an exoskeleton for the Modular Armor of this era, this special suit was nonetheless created to take on the Hulk and try to match his strength blow-for-blow. In this, it seemed to work, as Stark was able to fight Hulk to a standstill. He's been reticent to do so again, however, because of its massive power requirements, and the fact that "chicks don't dig guys with no neck." (Also, Juggernaut threatened to sue for copyright infringement.)
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30 comments
Comments
saitokthx said:
i like that samurai armor for ironman
Ryan said:
I actually thought the modular armor of the mid-1990's was kind of boring.
googum said:
Sadly, Tony's had worse: "Spare-Parts Man," from after his second fall off the wagon.
Elijah said:
And let's not forgot that #9 up there, the old gold suit, communicated with his fellows from long distances by way of a one and a half foot long antennae that would extend up out of the shoulder.
varrior said:
I thought the Extremis armor was pretty fucking cool.
JayWicky said:
OK, if I follow you there, all these armors suck, including the classic Kirby and Gene Colan iconic looks. And that leaves us with... What, exactly ? The Silver Centurion armor or the Robert Downey Jr. one ? Maybe the one with the ugly nose plate ?
Motorthing said:
Yep, that pretty much means all the Armor IM has ever used is crap, and we are left with the ones you obviously couldn't remeber, cos if you did hey would be crap too - and this point about Comics needing to make sense in real life...that would leave us with how many characters?
If a little suspension of disbelief is beyond you now maybe a nice job in an office filing tax would suit better - certainly nothing to upset a good rational view of the world in that.
Zach Oat said:
Yeah, I'm gonna have to call bullshit. Granted, the Silver Centurion armor is actually my favorite, but this is pretty much all of his armors, since most of them have that flexible armor sleeve. You pretty much just called Iron Man stupid, and Iron Man is awesome.
Couldn't you have gone with his undersea armor, because his own armor isn't waterproof? Or the armor that he needs to strap a rocket to in order to go into space? Or maybe his 2020 armor, which is pretty much the same as the regular armor, but with an evil face and pointy shoulders?
Nick Marino said:
the picture you used for the "Original Grey" entry isn't actually Tony's original armor. that drawing comes from the cover Iron Man #191, which i just re-read about three weeks ago. the cover says "At last! The return of the original Iron Man!" which is an extremely misleading cover quote. that grey armor from #191 is actually a brand new suit that Tony built while Jim Rhodes (War Machine) was wearing the classic red and gold Iron Man gear. Tony was recovering from his bout with severe alcoholism and he built that new grey armor while he was tinkering around in the lab. Jim starts to have some trouble, so Tony puts on the new grey suit to help out. the "Return of the original Iron Man!" quote is actually alluding to the return of Tony fighting as Iron Man, and not to the return of the original armor. the first Iron Man suit was way clunkier than the one pictured on that cover.
ZeroCorpse said:
No mention of the suit with the NOSE on the face?
How about that nifty roller-skating suit?
His "silver" (it looked white) West Coast Avengers suit was pretty bad, too.
Jack Burton said:
Zach, I love your stuff man, but I gotta call bullshit on your bullshit. There have been over 30 IM armors if we're including basic one-offs like the Thorbuster (as this list does), so this list isn't "pretty much all his armors". While I agree that the undersea one pretty much sucked, the list does mention the rocket boosters in connection to the stealth armor.
And besides, the cool ones aren't on this list, which is what would make it bullshit: the classic, the Silver Centurion, War Machine, the Sean Chen design from Avengers Vol 3 (does that one have a name?)
I guess I'm just saying that I don't have to agree with every entry to enjoy the list. And I enjoyed this one.
Dang...some people apparently get pretty defensive about Tony Stark's armors. Since there have been what, thirty or more over the course of the comic, naming ten that weren't so good (or hell, just deserved a joke or two aimed at their chestplates) seems valid.
I'd have probably included the undersea armor too. And the , but it's cool. But this list isn't "pretty much all his armors". Not even close.
Jack Burton said:
Uhh...what the hell happened to my last post? :)
Arsenal said:
How id these gems get skipped over?
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Telepresence_Armor
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/S.K.I.N._Armor
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Arctic_Armor
and you talked about the iron teen and did not bring out this gem
http://marvel.wikia.com/wiki/Teen_Tony%27s_Holo_Armor
it was made from holograms and put out a fire at a frat house. I liked the one made from the toaster and Ms Marvels "back massager" beter
Yakub Shabazz said:
I'm in agreement here about what exactly we're left with regarding the "good" armors. Yes, Jack, he's had PLENTY of versions in the past, but pretty much all of his "standards" over the past 30 years have been discounted here (especially if, as someone else pointed out, the "flexi" technology in and of itself discounts an armor - including your vaunted Silver Centurion). And War Machine? Really? A gatling gun on the shoulder is equivalent to booster packs and extending antennae, in my book.
F whatcha heard - Extremis is dope.
Burbee said:
Eh, maybe the choices aren't the best, but the comedy works. I loved the "conversation" between Stan and Gene.
Jack Burton said:
Extremis is a stupid idea that'll be retconned or otherwise invalidated pretty soon, IMHO. It's untenable as a storyline--too powerful. (I mean, a healing factor? They had to Wolverine-up Iron Man? Come on.)
Just another example of a comic writer (even one sometimes as good as Ellis) coming into a property, playing a bit, and then leaving a mess for someone else to clean up.
Zach Oat said:
Jack, I loved you in "Big Trouble in Little China," but I'm gonna have to call bullshit on your calling bullshit on my calling bullshit. "30-plus armors" includes a lot of minor variations on a single armor, and a few that appeared briefly and were never seen again.
Meanwhile, the Stealth Armor is apparently on this list because it has fewer weapons than the regular suit, and because it doesn't hold as much fuel, to maintain a lower radar profile. That's what made the suit work! And the Flexi-Armor was basically the very first version of the Mark III, which rocked in all of its incarnations. (It was the one before this that had ROLLER SKATES, by the way.) Neither deserved to be on this list.
And Ryan is right -- the modular armor, which had add-on features in compartments that needed to be taken out and PUT BACK IN, is stupid and ugly. It totally deserved ridicule.
There are very few superheroes I get defensive about. Iron Man is one of them. And I think he totally deserves ridicule, I just think the aim here was way off.
Kris said:
I thought the Extremis armor was destroyed in Secret Invasion. I don't read it, so I don't know for sure, but I thought he had to build a new one because the nano-probe one was comprimised. (And during Secret Invasion, he had to wear the classic flexo-armor one.)
Paul said:
I just have to say that Zach Oat's comments are priceless here.
OM said:
...Actually, the Jim Lee armor was *not* popular with fans, and most of them were quire vocal about how stupid the tailpipes were. Besides, if the armor was *that* popular, it would have survived the whole "Heroes Regurgitated" mess, which it clearly didn't.
googum said:
OM,
Technically, the "Heroes Reborn" armor did survive: not very often, but every once in a while, you'll see it in the background of the big armory shots. It's the same way Jim Lee would draw the 30's roadster or the 60's TV Batmobiles in the Batcave: a tip of the hat, but they're gonna be gathering dust for the foreseeable future.
Hey, next list? How about Tony Stark's worst girlfriends! I don't know that the one that shot him in the spine would make the top five...
Siskoid said:
I'm really surprised not to see either the nose or the Santa suit.
If there were a BEST ARMOR list, I would top the list with Iron Man 2020. Just a hint.
Tom said:
I think Bob Layton's top five best and worst lists are a lot more accurate:
http://www.boblayton.com/Archive/January%2008/bloglaytoninsetjan08.htm
http://www.boblayton.com/Archive/March%2008/bloglaytoninsetmar08.htm
And I love the Stealth armor; sure it sucks where combat is concerned, but that ain't the point.
Paul Sebert said:
You know, while the "Teenage Tony Stark" period from Avengers The Crossing ranks as the all-time low point for the character I don't think you can fault the armor design. The design by Young Avengers co-creator Jim Cheung is actually kind of cool looking.
ShadowWing Tronix said:
Another vote for the SKIN armor. Also, it was the ugliest thing ever. I'm also not a fan of the armor from the recent "The End" one shot. The first one is good, but the final one looks like the Martian Manhunter posed for it.
Hube said:
The Prometheum Armor was, despite its look, probably the most "realistic" for lack of a better term. The tailpipes (heat sinks) are a logical design considering all the energy the armor utilized, and the "flex tubing" is also more realistic than a straight arming or legging (and even torso) with no obvious segments for movement.
The hassle with the "Iron Boy" armor was that it continually changed depending on the artist. But at that point, no one -- reader or creator -- really cared b/c Lee and Liefeld were taking over shortly with "Heroes Reborn."
Jon H said:
To be fair, the original F-117 stealth "fighter" was also pretty underpowered, being able to carry only *two* bombs, and was limited to subsonic flight.
ranchoth said:
About the illustration for the Hulkbuster armor...so, is Iron Man going to fight *for* "Green Politics," as mentioned in the title, or *against* them?
One sounds sort of after-school-special-episode lameish, while the other...brings to mind an image of beating Ralph Nader to a ruddy pulp with a giant robotic hell suit.
*pause*
Okay, I'll try that...will it be in TPB?
Friginator said:
And speaking of Trek, "Extremis" also makes Tony Stark essentially a cyborg, which means that he's one step closer to a potential future in which he runs around in a giant square spaceship and talks a lot about assimilation.
No, I'm pretty sure a big metal device attached to your chest makes you more of a cyborg than the Extremis virus, which is just liquid metal that covers his skin underneath the armor.
minerboh said:
What the hell? I can't believe that you left out the most ridiculous armor ever... the armor with the nose! I mean COME ON!!!!!
