26 G.I. Joe Codenames that Are Almost Certainly Sexual Euphemisms

By Ethan Kaye in Daily Lists, Toys
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 7:55 am
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Topless Robot has tirelessly provided you with some seriously immature content over the years -- most shamefully notably with our two previous Daily Lists of the most unfortunately named Transformers and suggestive Mega Man boss names. We obviously haven't stopped being immature, yet we didn't know where to channel that immaturity -- and then we remembered, of course, that knowing is half the battle.

Hasbro created and shipped hundreds of different G.I. Joes and Cobras with different names, histories, and specialties from 1982 to the present. That's a lot of character names to generate, so it's obvious that not all of them would kick ass (Nemesis Enforcer and Grim Skull come to mind). Perhaps it's reasonable that a few double entendrés would accidentally slip through, especially in the '80s when G.I. Joe demand was at its highest. But after you read this list, you should have no doubt that there was at least one Hasbro employee at least as immature as we are, deviously trying to think up every word and phrase for "penis" that were even slightly military-sounding. Thanks to YoJoe.com for the photos of these, uh, off-color commandos, in no particular order.

26) Cloudburst
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"Making it rain" is the act of throwing a wad of dollars into the air so that they "Rain" down on strippers. "Cloudburst" sounds like something similar, but somehow dirtier.

25) Flash
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In most states, if your nickname is "Flash," your name gets put on a list and you're not allowed to stand within 500 yards of schools.

24) Cobra Commander
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Master of snakes. One-eyed trouser snakes.

23) Snow Job
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Urbandictionary.com lists five purely sexual definitions for "snow job", so there's no need to go about using your filthy imaginations. Happily, not all of them involve semen.

22) Lamprey
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Once he he gets his mouth on you, he won't stop sucking... if you're lucky.

21) Night Creeper
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KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER'S WINDOWS LOCKED. He's out on parole.

20) Torpedo
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His first codename request was for "Flesh Torpedo," but the brass apparently weren't Spinal Tap fans.

19) Airtight
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There aren't that many female Joes, which is why Airtight is the most popular Joe to bring along on all those lengthy away missions.

18) Snow Serpent
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Another penis-related codename, but this one has an extra dash of racism.

17) Tollbooth
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Sadly, this was also my sister's nickname in high school.

16) Sneak Peek
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You're only going to get 30-second clips until you give him your credit card.

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