By Ethan Kaye in
Daily Lists, Toys
Friday, Jan. 22 2010 @ 7:55AM
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Hasbro created and shipped hundreds of different G.I. Joes and Cobras with different names, histories, and specialties from 1982 to the present. That's a lot of character names to generate, so it's obvious that not all of them would kick ass (Nemesis Enforcer and Grim Skull come to mind). Perhaps it's reasonable that a few double entendrés would accidentally slip through, especially in the '80s when G.I. Joe demand was at its highest. But after you read this list, you should have no doubt that there was at least one Hasbro employee at least as immature as we are, deviously trying to think up every word and phrase for "penis" that were even slightly military-sounding. Thanks to YoJoe.com for the photos of these, uh, off-color commandos, in no particular order. 26) Cloudburst
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25) Flash
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24) Cobra Commander
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23) Snow Job
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22) Lamprey
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21) Night Creeper
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20) Torpedo
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19) Airtight
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18) Snow Serpent
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17) Tollbooth
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16) Sneak Peek
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1 | 2
55 comments
Comments
MikeyWood said:
What? No Rampart?!
the new transported man replied to MikeyWood:
Rampart was my dude! He always came out on top.
Greymattersplat said:
In their defense, I would bet that at least SOME of these weren't dirty at the time they named them. Much like how "gay" used to just mean "happy".
However, some of them are very dirty and they should be ashamed.
Joe said:
sorry some of them are pushing it, hope the lists pick up as there have been a few weak ones so far this year.
Saying that I understand it must be very very hard to do a list for every weekday of the year.
FireKraken said:
I don't know about this list. Granted, I was never big into G.I. Joes, but a good 2/3 of these entries seem like reaches as far as sexual doubles entendres go. Like the kind that only work in conjunction with a sneer and the creepy rising tone of voice. Awkward names? Sure. But more in an eye-rolling "I can't believe they were that lazy" kind of way.
Matt said:
That's the picture you used for Beach-Head? You suck.
Loafy replied to Matt:
lol I was thinking the same thing. Shame on him.
Denjiro replied to Loafy:
Yeah, never seen that figure before. Here's a pic of a couple Beach-Head figures.
http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u164/bkak25/Joe%20Blog/Beach-Head-Front2.jpg
scott said:
On a related note, the designers had a lot of hidden jokes in their file cards and vehicles. When read upside-down the serial number for the 1987 S.L.A.M. vehicle says "I AM SMEGMA" Smegma being vaginal discharge....
Mad Mutt said:
Big Boa was actually going to be Rocky Balboa, but the deal between Hasbro and the movie people fell apart. They stuck a new head on "Rocky" and named him Big Boa. Remember, truth is often stranger than reality.
do4m replied to Mad Mutt:
Now we know and knowing is half the battle!
♪G.I. Joe!!!♫
Damn that was weird... The Rocky as a member of Cobra.
No, he was a Joe team member - he even got a mistakenly included character bio in a GI Joe Sourcebook back in the 80s (Marvel printed a retraction the very next issue)
It's just that when the deal fell through - I think because there were legal issues with the Rambo toys that came out around the same time - Hasbro took the ideas they had and turned 'em into Big Boa. It's Hasbro, they don't like to waste ANYTHING if it can be avoided.
HDO replied to Geoff:
Big Boa was supposed to be the enemy of Rocky Balboa, I think. But then the deal fell through for Rocky so Cobra ended up with a boxing trainer and the Joes had no one to counter with.
batzarro said:
Headman looks like a Rabbi Zorro.
BuncheB said:
Sorry, Bob, but the lyric is "My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo/I like to sink her with my pink torpedo."
Daikaiju said:
Yeah a lot of these were really reaching.
This might have fared better with a smaller list to concentrate on the more plausible entries
rickicker said:
what the-WHAT'S SO WRONG about "Cobra Commander", huh? specially since you've just made him a feature several article down! geez, rob, you're really immature!
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-hides Headman figure-
TrapJaw replied to rickicker:
Uh, maybe because Rob didn't write this article. *points up at the author credit*
Black Llama said:
Wow, when I was little the only 2 figures I had were Blowtorch and snowjob........
demoncat said:
seeing this list always had me wonder if the execs were running out of ideas to name the figures or had other things going through their minds when they came up with names like head man and wild weezel. that plus hasbro never thought that the kids would want to know the real meaning of the names. and i did have some of these on the list.
zartanman said:
Man.. that was a good laugh.
But how can you forget Copperhead, Buzzer, Tele-Vipers *sounds like Tallie Wacker*
Crankcase.. man the list goes on.
JessT said:
Due to my nice girl facade, I now regret typing some of these into urbandictionary...
cummins said:
Bravo. Just wow.
Cobra Commander said:
I tried to get my code name as, "Peter North". But a porn star had taken it. So I settled with Cobra Commander...then I realized, it sounds like I command penis...
yIntagh replied to Cobra Commander:
You know that's why they named the Cobras from Dodgeball:A True Underdog Story, that very thing.
darthbogus said:
How did you miss Rapeyourass Viper?
Lipzmackin said:
Stalker? Ripper? Monkeywrench? Outback?
Rissa said:
Check out the pornstache on Backblast!
bort said:
Maybe Cloudburst is just a really big Kate Bush fan. Incidentally, I am still immature enough to laugh at her name. Heh heh Bush.
THE PR0F3550R said:
How is Blow Job, err... Snow Job not at least #2. His name has always been one of ridicule. Just look at his face in GI Joe the movie when Nemesis Enforcer rips open the Havok cockpit to remove Blow Job. The fuck looks like he's being molested by Nemesis Enforcer.
scott hall said:
yawn...
Owner of a Lonely B.A.T. said:
How could they miss Ice Cream Soldier which just screams child rapist.
Playah said:
Topless Robot is running out of ideas for Top Lists.
Yakub Shabazz replied to Playah:
maybe they should have a contest!
sprkythdvl said:
pretty weak list if you ask me. you're really pushing it to come up with 26, you might actually have 10 there that are legitimately naughty.
Zersch said:
What a terrible list that little to no thought at all went into.
Hugo said:
The thing is, according to urban dictionary, every combination of words in the history of human language is also porn.
Asat replied to Hugo:
LOL, "words in the"! You know what that means, right?
Johnny Goddamn Turk said:
Man, you really dropped the ball on Torpedo. Dick jokes are all "lolz n stuff" but really, you should be aware that 94% of G.I. Joe fans call Torpedo "Pedo" As in "Pedophile".
Here is something I wrote 3 years ago (When Toy Blogs were relevant) http://98oldsmobiledotgov.blogspot.com/2007/10/i-dont-care-that-youre-only-13-13-is-my.html
Ubiq said:
That just means that 94% of Joe fans don't understand how to pronounce either torpedo or pedophile.
jareedo said:
This list is weaker than the worst named Joe character. Those names are really reaching to be considered euphemisms.
If you blurted most of those out loud to a group of people with a hahah-wink-wink, they'd stare back at you with a confused ctilt of their heads, then conclude you were a re'tard.
T-cake said:
"Big Bear" looks freakishly like Chuck Norris.
Ethan K said:
Nooooooo. I submitted a list of like 50 of these names with absolutely awesome copy lines and then the article itself cuts it in half, adds a whole bunch of Joes who didn't make the original list because the names weren't dirty, and changes the copy on almost all of them. Noooooooooooooo.
yahaboobay said:
I agree, with the naysayers. I call shenanigans on this list.
yahaboobay said:
I feel for you Ethan. Rob, it would seem, is a harsh mistress.
Black Snow said:
Mark it on your calendar, folks.
January 22nd, 2010.
The day Topless Robot decided to kill comedy.
ddddd said:
big boa and rocky are not the same person rocky was suppose to be the good guy why boa was suppose to be his evil counterpart if i rember right
SiPfan said:
a list each day has to take it's toll. This is the kind of thing makes one wonder what people were thinking. WHOSE RESPONSIBLE THIS?
Chad said:
Sorry...lame post. None of them sound sexual. I was expecting some real double entondras...but got nothing.
DreadZone said:
Point of information: Through the '80s, supposedly all the Joe characters were created and named by Larry Hama, who also wrote the Marvel comic. I'm less certain about his post-'80s involvement, but believe he has continued to work for Hasbro in that capacity up to the present. And no doubt, some of the weirdness has to have been intentional; Larry has always had a weird sense of humor
DreadZone said:
Point of information: Through the '80s, supposedly all the Joe characters were created and named by Larry Hama, who also wrote the Marvel comic. I'm less certain about his post-'80s involvement, but believe he has continued to work for Hasbro in that capacity up to the present. And no doubt, some of the weirdness has to have been intentional; Larry has always had a weird sense of humor
D said:
No Stalker? Steam Roller? Hardball? Skidmark? Gung-Ho? (Not actually suggestive, but look at the dude, he could actually be in the Village People).
Looking at the wiki article, my favourite name has to be Lift-Ticket.
Rob Apples said:
You are really stirring up some disturbing revelations of the joes that i had. I count at least 12 that I used to own. DAMN IT IM NOT GAY IM NOT GAY IM NOT GAY!!!!!!
