?Topless Robot has tirelessly provided you with some seriously immature content over the years — most
shamefully notably with our two previous Daily Lists of the most unfortunately named Transformers and suggestive Mega Man boss names. We obviously haven’t stopped being immature, yet we didn’t know where to channel that immaturity — and then we remembered, of course, that knowing is half the battle.
Hasbro created and shipped hundreds of different G.I. Joes and Cobras with different names, histories, and specialties from 1982 to the present. That’s a lot of character names to generate, so it’s obvious that not all of them would kick ass (Nemesis Enforcer and Grim Skull come to mind). Perhaps it’s reasonable that a few double entendr?s would accidentally slip through, especially in the ’80s when G.I. Joe demand was at its highest. But after you read this list, you should have no doubt that there was at least one Hasbro employee at least as immature as we are, deviously trying to think up every word and phrase for “penis” that were even slightly military-sounding. Thanks to YoJoe.com for the photos of these, uh, off-color commandos, in no particular order.
?“Making it rain” is the act of throwing a wad of dollars into the air so that they “Rain” down on strippers. “Cloudburst” sounds like something similar, but somehow dirtier.
?In most states, if your nickname is “Flash,” your name gets put on a list and you’re not allowed to stand within 500 yards of schools.
24) Cobra Commander
?Master of snakes. One-eyed trouser snakes.
23) Snow Job
?Urbandictionary.com lists five purely sexual definitions for “snow job”, so there’s no need to go about using your filthy imaginations. Happily, not all of them involve semen.
?Once he he gets his mouth on you, he won’t stop sucking… if you’re lucky.
21) Night Creeper
?KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER’S WINDOWS LOCKED. He’s out on parole.
?His first codename request was for “Flesh Torpedo,” but the brass apparently weren’t Spinal Tap fans.
?There aren’t that many female Joes, which is why Airtight is the most popular Joe to bring along on all those lengthy away missions.
18) Snow Serpent
?Another penis-related codename, but this one has an extra dash of racism.
?Sadly, this was also my sister’s nickname in high school.
16) Sneak Peek
?You’re only going to get 30-second clips until you give him your credit card.
?He drives a truck, but took a sports-themed name that implies a fondness for anal sex. We’re not sure about him.
14) Tunnel Rat
?He’s able get into any space, no matter how tight. We told you to lock up your daughters already, right?
13) Big Ben
Your first thought was likely of the large clock in London, but there’s also a gay porn star named Big Ben. And as you may have imagined, doing an image search for his Joe figure was 10 minutes of intense uncomfortableness.
12) Big Bear
?“What would you like to name our Russian G.I. Joe counterpart?”
“Hm. How about Big Bear?”
“Does that have any gay sex connotations?”
“Dude, c’mon! What’s manlier than a bear?”
11) Big Boa
?There’s not a gay porn star named Big Boa, but there really should be, shouldn’t there?
10) Fast Blast Viper
?Love ’em and leave ’em Viper, that’s what they call him. You know he’s evil because he leaves money on the nightstand — and it’s only a couple of bucks.
9) Double Clutch
?Double Clutch is that oft-repeated sexual technique that high school kids believe is a myth and feminists write pamphlets comdemning.
8) Wet Down
?There are a million other words in the English language that convey that this person is a SCUBA diver and yet Hasbro chose “Wet Down.”
See what we mean about there being a dude at Hasbro as immature as us?
7) Drop Zone
?There are at least three pregnancy sex fetish DVDs on the market with the name “Drop Zone.” There may be more, but I stopped searching and am happy to remain in ignorance.
6) Wild Weasel
?Ah, there’s many a lass who, drunk on half a case of Coors Light, was talked into taking a ride on Wild Weasel’s wild weasel.
?Beach-Head only goes one way, and that way you’re going to get sand in more than your shoes. Not recommended.
?Sorry ladies, he’s not getting you a towel. That’s his favorite part.
?Backblasting can refer to many things, especially if you include all the things the Germans do.
?It’s not just a Petula Clark song, it’s also where Downtown likes to spend all of his time! Downtown! Get it? Get it? CROTCH.
?Headman’s saving himself for marriage, but he’s still plenty popular with all the boys. I wonder why that is…