• For all campaigns. Based on d2. Trigger event: Party has just foiled another carefully planned, masterfully introduced campaign arc through one or more in-game decisions the result(s) of which cannot be modified by any number of GM dice roll (including "behind-the-screen" rolling). Result 1-1: "Fuck you [unit of player(s) and/or specific player designation(s); may include special singling out for player that contributed the most to campaign disaster]. You fucking [see "Chaining and Synergizing Expletives" Table on page 59]." Throw something that is easy to clean up after and is within your weight capacity at the player opposite to you. Result 2-2: Take a deep breath, have another Coke Zero, and pull something out of your ass. Apply the Ron Moore Defence to any incongruities in story or plot identified by the party: "[They] have a plan". Result 0-0: On certain models of d2, it is possible to produce a null result (or a result that can be considered "0"). This may include the coin rolling off a table and getting stuck vertically between the cracks of your parents' poorly maintained faux-hardwood basement flooring. If the above value is produced, refer to following chart: IF campaign arc busting is the result of party outwitting the GM, congrat your players on a masterful play that exceeded your expectations as GM and generously apply fist-thump (group hugs are also acceptable). IF campaign arc busting is the result of party's tomfoolery or otherwise negative behaviour, break open glass and retrieve axe. Apply to former friends. See Appendix 2 at the back of the book for "Disposing Bodies". (Sandwiched between the above pages of the book should be a mail-in order form for a glass box with a prereq-less axe in it.)

• Ha! Thanks!

• I know I'm too late, but I felt this needed to be said. The paladin discovers that a member of the party is evil! Roll d% to determine reaction: 01-10 Ignore 11-49 Ignore 50-75 Ignore 76-98 Ignore 99-00 Reroll

• Chances reader skimmed this and missed punchline: D6 1-5 yes 6 - pissing him/herself.

• And in case anyone missed the joke, the above was a 51-65.

• Dammit Scooter, stop being awesome! You make the rest of us look bad, and for your information, some of us work very long and hard at our 91-92s. Some times for hours on end. Multiple times.

• I love how it seems completely unnecessary to reference the color of pants in regards to whether you shit yourself or not. Like, wearing a white cotton number is so much worse, now that you've shit your pants.

• Flip a coin to determine whether or not I will enter this contest. Heads- Yes Tails- No Heads.

• As you near the chamber, you hear an endless clicking, like the creaking joints of a giant cave millipede. However, peering around the corner reveals a strange sight: a thousand simian orcs hunched over strange, abacus-like instruments. Their brutish fingers strike rune-engraven panels, resulting in a small hammer swinging against a long and winding scroll. Their bugbear task master announces that, after ages of labor, they have but a few so-called "keystrokes" to complete the long-awaited Bardic Scroll. Roll to determine the contents of the scroll: 00-5 The "Bad" Quarto of Hamlet 6-10 The Second Quarto of Hamlet 11-12 First Folio Edition of Hamlet 13-14 Norton Critical Edition of Hamlet 14-15 Pelican Edition of Hamlet 16-17 Manga Shakespeare Adaptation: Hamlet 18-54 SparkNotes No Fear Shakespeare: Hamlet 55-62 Script for Zefferelli's Hamlet starring Mel Gibson 63-76 Hamlet in original Klingon 77-87An undergraduate essay comparing Hamlet to Star Wars 88-89 Complete text of the Ur-Hamlet 90-100 The Macbeth spell of Cursing (recite entire play text, or just the title while standing on a stage, to inflict bad luck on enemy party)

• Yech. I'll store that image away for a later nightmare.

• The only universal system I know of without those kind of bugs is Hero System

• Ha, my buddy's going to love this. We fucked up his campaign so bad he never made another for us again and he's still pissed about it, 25 years later, good times, sorry dude.

• Thanks. Alas, I write nothing that useful; I am but a simple grad student.

• I find that to be HILARIOUS, actually.

• Your DM has decided that enough is enough and that your characters must die. He busts out the Tomb of Horrors module. Players immediately roll 2d10 to figure out what happens next. 00 - Critical Fail - Just shred your character now. You are now a Level 1 Bard armed with a broken recorder from your 1st grade music class. 01-05 - Slapsgiving - Everyone gets the slap you upside the head - including any family members in the house - feed character sheet to dog. 06-10 - Cockpuncher - Similar to Slapsgiving, but only the DM gets to hit you and he gets to punch you in the sack. Eat character sheet yourself. 11-24 - Talk to the Hand of Doom - No matter what happens, you've just signed on to a 6 hour journey to the inevitable death of your character. No amount of pleading will work. You might as well just shut the fuck up now. 25-49 - Omar! - That's right. Omar from the Wire shows up and shoots everyone above Level 1 for 6d6 damage. Make saving throws and if you fail, he steals all your shit, too. 50-74 - Titties! - Every male character loses 1d6 strength and grows massive mammary glands which force all your armor off. DM rolls 10d6 to see how many other NPCs rape your characters. All female characters laugh their asses off and lose 1d4 hp for every round spent watching. 75-89 - There is only Zuul - Characters get to move directly to the end of the module where you will most likely be killed immediately, but at least you can move on with your life. 90-94 - Death Metal from Above - Characters gain some NPC help - unfortunately it is Dethklok who serve no function but to give you -50% luck of surviving and +300% chance of dying brutally because that's so METAL!!!! 95-98 - You're lucky day! - Your party is immediately transported to another world - DM chooses from any adventure 2x the level your characters are at. 99 - Critical Win - You say "fuck this shit" and get a life. Your character retires.

• So, the zombie apocalypse is upon you. Roll a D24 to determine how prepared you are. 1 - 4 Completely unprepared. Death 5 - 7 Completely unprepared but lucky. Hook up with someone who IS prepared. 8 - 9 Completely unprepared but can think on your feet. Grab all the baseball bats/sledgehammers/crowbars you can find and fight your way to a safe place. 10 - 17 Slightly Prepared. You've got a gun and have seen others use them. 17 - 20 Pretty well prepared. Grab your bag of guns and jump into your APC and head out to find a nice safe fort. 21 - 23 Very well prepared. Check that your G36 carbine is locked and loaded, throw on your body armour, jump in your tank and go out looking for survivors. 24 - You are Chuck Norris. Kebabyuchenko xxx

• You are good people.

• Male characters are wearing tan pants while females are wearing a white cotton number... you feel the BUBBLE GUTS from LUNCH: 10d roll to see what happens!!! 1: BUBBLE GUT CRAMPS (THANK GOD!) 2: FART (DRY), WHAT LUCK!!! 3: FART (WET), Gonna have to check on that! 4: Prairie Dog (DRY), let's hope it stays until you reach BATHROOM. FLIP COIN TO SEE if you "MADE IT TO BATHROOM". 5: Prairie Dog (DRY-SLIP), It's touching cotten but stays put! FLIP COIN FOR "MADE IT TO BATHROOM". 6:Prairie Dog (DRY w/farts) At least it stays. FLIP COIN TO SEE IF "MADE IT TO BATHROOM". 7: SHART, LIGHT SLIP: there might be an "underwear toss" once you reach the BATHROOM. MUST ROLL FOR FOR UNDERWEAR TOSS 8: SHART, HEAVY SLIP: Let's hope the co-workers won't see the wetness escaping your backside. UNDERWEAR TOSS FOR SURE. 9: FULL BLOWN SHIT YER SELF: DRY and LUMPY. See UNDERWEAR TOSS. 10: FULL BLOWN SHIT YER SELF: WET HOT DIARRHEA. See UNDERWEAR TOSS. If you had for lunch: Chinese +1 Mexican +2 Thai +3 Indian +4 IF YOU FLIP "DID NOT MADE IT TO BATHROOM" you must roll UNDERWEAR TOOS. If you roll 7-10 you must roll UNDERWEAR TOSS or have counter (STASHED CHANGE OF CLOTHES or "TIED AROUND WAIST" SWEATER) to NOT be "LAUGHING STOCK OF OFFICE" ie DEAD TO WORLD!

• Oh man. I did some less than and greater than signs and it got treated like html, so to paraphrase: If a player's character has CHA less than 5 he may role 1d2 (flip of a coin is acceptable, with heads equaling a 1). If Character CHA greater than or equal to 5, but below 10 then 1d6 is rolled. If the player has bothered to work-up this dump stat to CHA greater than 10 than the player is rewarded with 1d20.

• So! You are attempting to flirt with a comely NPC tavern wench. DM,depending on whom you frequent with this situation may occur in greater than 66% of such encounters. The tavern-girl is frequently the receiver of many player's pent up pathos, desires and frustrations and must be prepared accordingly. If a player's character has CHA<5 he may role 1d2 (flip of a coin is acceptable, with heads equaling a 1). If Character 5</=CHA<10 then 1d6 is rolled. If the player has bothered to work-up this dump stat to CHA>10 than the player is rewarded with 1d20. Please note that the player will be entitled but a single effort per campaign. All further requests will invite a confrontation with the innkeeper (refer to table 10-6-1). 1 - "You slovenly beast! My boyfriend, this barbarian here, will have your head!" 2 - Player is summarily ignored 3 - Player speaks with NPC for less than five minutes, all of which are spent talking about that awesome new AT-AT the player regretfully didn't pre-order. No eye-contact is made. 4 - Player is entitled to purchase the wench one drink, after which she slips away under the pretense of requiring the powder room. 5 - After a successfully non-embarrassing exchange, you get a peck on the cheek and a phone number. It will not be answered, despite your calling 15 times over the next 48 hours. The player will cry himself to sleep for 3 consecutive turns if he cannot roll >9 on 2d6. 6 - "Excuse me, miss. Is it just me, or does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" 7&8 - A successful encounter! You bed the wench but cannot climax when she refuses to call you Captain Picard. Player loses 2 charisma points. 9&10 - Stunning performance. You have lasted >2.5 minutes! You may brag to friends but no further approaches to the wench will result in conversation. 11-15 - The barmaid agrees to a long-term relationship, but demands that all sex-acts are performed with you dressed as a sexy dalmatian. You can live with that. 16-19 - After a long conversation, going deep into the night, you realize that the both of you have much in common. You will meet again on many occasions that will eventually lead to a long-term relationship. All goes well for a few months, the sex is great and all, but soon she demands that you stop spending so much time questing and spend more time with her. You will soon find out that your fellow guild members are not calling you as frequently as they once did and will soon not invite on adventures at all. Skeletons stop attacking you from around corners and chests are no longer booby-trapped. You will accept all of this, until your 50th birthday, when you will buy an ill-fitting loincloth and the biggest sword you can find. You will leave the bar-wench and return to the guild, only to die on the very first turn of your next dungeon quest when attacked by a jelly. 20 - Score! After a night of passionate "love-making" you both agree to keep things casual. Way to go, buddy.

• I'm sure Ross from "Friends" never had these kind of problems.

• You encounter... fan fiction! Roll a D100 to see what horrors it pulls out of its ass to attack the players with. 1-10 A wrench 11-20 Diarrhoea (diarrhea gotten from hos) 21-comixnix The Death Star 31-Abraxis More Fan Fiction 41-50 Giant vegetables. 51-60 A Super Saiyan 61-70 Harry Potter 71-80 An Elder Thing (a separate D100 roll may be made to assign the # of tentacles) 81-90 A rubber chicken. 91-94 An endless montage of the worst of Star Wars and Bay films, with some M Night Shyamalan thrown in. 95-8 4chan. 99-100 Clowns. (a separate D100 roll may be made to assign the # of clowns)

• One of the players has to go early due to an impatient Wife or Parent. Before leaving, player must roll on the following chart to see how the session will continue: 1d00 1 = DM takes control of the character the rest of the day. 2 = Session ends, remaining players break out the hard liquor 3 – 100 = Roll again. Failure to keep rolling again will result in the immediate death of the players character.

• weird fact: I bought Sexual Rotisserie's last album.

• And It shall come to pass a child will be born from humble Nerd Stock. When the planets align this child's heritage will become horribly clear to nerd culture everywhere. Though it's interest may lie in Taxation law and accountancy a deviant plan will be born from it's dark sinister mind. So endth the part 1 of the Psalm of the anti-Bricken...

• I have to agree with Melody here. Those girls are unreasonable, not to mention biters...being twilight fans after all.

• Ways your Players will cheat at D&D (roll % dice) 1-10 "Nuh-uh, I totally still have 4 hp!" 11-18 "Does a 23 hit?" "No." "Whoops,I mean, a 27?" 19-25 "Good thing I had [obtuse spell] prepared today!" 26-30 "We ALWAYS bring an extra 50 feet of rope, come on!" 31-50 No matter what is rolled on a knowledge/sensory check, players act according to what they can find in the book or see on the table, then pseudo-rationalize it with too much talking (e.g. "I know I rolled a 1, but no way would my player NOT think that the kid was lying to him"). 51-65 Alignment means nothing. Your chaotic characters are real sticklers about splitting gold and the lawful ones fly off the handle for no reason. The good characters keep trying to kill the informant, etc. 66-70 Your players never flee an obviously overpowered fight, in hopes for more XP. You can't kill them all because that would end the campaign. 71-85 Blatant mis-pricing of multiple enhancements. 86-90 Reference a bunch of unofficial, fan-made stuff, like from D&D wiki. 91-100 Only read the tabled information for feats and spells so they never see or understand the limitations.

• uh, obviously that should read "a moment of <i>reduced</i> inhibition."

• dammit, I always show up late to these parties :( Anyway, I could always use one of these to plan my evenings a little better, so here goes. Nerd at non-nerd (like, actual, with drinks and music and stuff) party Encounter Table. 1d100 <b>1-15: "but he's more interesting."</b> The hosts have one or more cats. Sit on the couch engrossed in baffling the cat(s) with magic tricks and/or fast-moving bits of string. 1 damage per cat per failed magic trick; +1 dexterity, reflexes per successful. -5 Charisma for remainder of evening. <b>16-25: "That's, um, different."</b> You meet a nice person to whom you are attracted. You feel like opening up and revealing a nerdy fetish. -2 to Charisma, -5 Willpower for the remainder of the evening. <b>26-35: "..."</b> You overhear a discussion of some topic about which you consider yourself well-versed, and abruptly interject with a long discourse/tirade. -5 Charisma, +10 Willpower. <b>36-50: "Who's that guy?"</b> The hosts are unable to determine the means by which you were invited, or even who you are, despite repeated questioning by guests. Stats unchanged (not that anybody checked). <b>51-65: "Lonely Robot"</b> Dancing has ensued. You are that person dancing with him/herself off to the side. +5 for Effort. <b>66-75: "Who was that guy?"</b> You meet a nice person and have a nice conversation, and agree to future Encounters. You do not think to retrieve any contact information from this Encounter, and the hosts have no idea who this person is/was. -10 to Memory, +5 to Charisma. <b>76-85: "Deaf Dumb & Blind Kid"</b> The hosts decide to fire up their Xbox/PS3/Wii, at which you are a Grand Master. You forget the social grace of letting others win sometimes, and mercilessly slaughter everybody else at the party. -25 Charisma, +25 Willpower, +10 Aggression. <b>86-90: "Colorful Attire Encouraged"</b> You spill a plate of whatever on yourself, and wear it for the rest of the evening because you wore your <i>good</i> TIE-Fighter-Tux T-Shirt, and neglected to bring a backup. -5 Charisma. Roll again: 1-99: You spill it on somebody else, in addition; -10 Charisma. 00: You make a miraculous save, sparing any other guests your shame; +5 Charisma (cancelling out the -5). <b>91-95: "Who's that guy?" v.2</b> You are gifted at some skill which other people value. +5 Charisma. Roll Again. 1-99: you are remembered as a passing oddity at somebody else's party, for which the hosts get credit. -5 Charisma. 00: Somebody asks you who you are. +1 Charisma. <b>96-99: "HOLY SHIT, THAT DUCK IS FUCKING THAT RABBIT"</b> You suffer a moment of inhibition, and blurt out your love of FFF. -25 Charisma forever. <b>00: "Hey, that guy was kinda cool."</b> You are miraculously remembered as a pleasant person at a normal party, and are maybe invited to another one sometime perhaps. +1 Charisma.

• Upon reflection, I've decided to do a new entry and have this be the "official" one, since I wrote that last one off mostly to blow off some steam. Here now is my official entry. Officially. For every GM who has had their campaign temporarily slowed by that one player at the tavern who wants to try and get their character all the action that they've never had, I give you this... Tavern/Inn Seduction Complications Roll d100/Percentile Dice 01-33: NPC Seduced is related to Innkeeper (roll d6: 1-2 Child, 3-4 Parent, 5-6 Spouse) 34-66: NPC is lure for local thieves guild. PC is caught with pants down and left bound in the bedroom with no possessions. 67-99: NPC is lure for local slaving operation. PC is caught with pants down - literally - and is in the stockyards by dawn. 00: Reroll!

• 1-2) There is mountain Dew in the fridge, you can have one. There are women there, you can do them. 3-4) There is no mountain Dew in the fridge, you can't have one. There are women there, you can do them. 5-6) There is mountain Dew in the fridge, you can have one. There are no women there, you can't do them. 7-8) There is mountain Dew in the fridge, you can have one. There are no women there, you can't do them. 9-10) There is mountain Dew in the fridge, you can't have one. There are women there, you can't do them. 11-12) You attack the darkness.

• Congratulations, Dungeon Master: you've developed the perfect fantasy game campaign and scenario! Roll 2d6 to see how this masterpiece will be exploited: 2: Development hell. You waste years of your life in meetings nothing ever comes of, leaving you no time to DM. Your carefully drawn maps and meticulous notebooks of people and places gather dust in your closet, forever. 3-6: Big-budget comedy starring Marlon Wayans. Nobody will see it, but you can never play your campaign again because nobody will ever take it seriously. 7-9: Endless series of interminable, derivative novel trilogies that start mediocre and quickly devolve into fan service involving an evil pretty-boy mage (whether you wrote one into your campaign or not). Whenever you try to run this campaign from now on, obsessive fanboys will attack you for meaningless mistakes in your own continuity; if you try to start a new campaign they will attack you for ripping yourself off. 10-11: Video game replaces your complex series of dynamic social relationships with a single "Reputation" bar the player can increase by repetitively pressing the "A" button in front of random NPCs. The rest of the campaign now consists of killing creatures represented by one sprite in slightly different colors. However, nobody wants to play your actual campaign any more, as all of the interesting encounters and surprising elements of your world have already been explained to them through interminable cut-scenes poorly translated from Japanese. 12: Erotic fan fiction featuring your characters featured on Topless Robot's Fan Fiction Friday. You will never be able to play your campaign again, as nerds now associate your lovingly designed world primarily with violent, scatological, incestuous pedophilia.

• Batman Incontinence Table: Whenever an editor fails to rein in an asinine writer's juvenile idea,roll d100 and consult the following table. 01-Batman doesn't soil himself 02-100-Kevin Smith is an overrated douche

• This is based off of some of the many accents that my current DM has used during our campaign - it was pretty funny when one of the guys pointed out that the seedy old man sounded exactly like the street urchin we encountered the week before. XD Accents that the DM should use for any given male character - roll a d8. 1: Slightly deeper version of normal voice. 2: Slightly higher version of normal voice. 3: Tremulus Scottish accent, extend 'ee' sounds. 4: Gruff Australian accent, 'i' sounds become 'eh' sounds. 5: Gruff British accent, 'i' sounds become 'oi' sounds, call everyone 'mate' every two sentences. 6: Camp British accent, ala Austin Powers. 7: High-pitched nasal, very whiny and pleading. 8: Normal voice, indicates a normal character. Accents that the DM should use for any given female character - roll a d8. 1: Really sexist high-pitched Valley Girl voice. 2-8: Give up on an accent and just tell the party what the female character knows.

• 1-19 - treat the same as regular Viking anal raping, -4 penalty to player's charisma within this town

• In case of a night-time Viking raid, the following chart is used to determine what happens to each player in the group. Roll once for each player. Viking Raid Results (1d6) 1 - Vikings don't get to this player 2-4 - Player gets anally raped by a Viking, -4 penalty to player's charisma within this town 5 - Player is used as a sexual rotisserie by two Vikings, -6 penalty to player's charisma within this town 6 - Player gets anally raped by some John Holmes M-F'r Viking, roll 1d20 to determine possible critical damage (see below) Possible critical damage (1d20) 20 - critical damage, -6 to both strength and constitution for 2 weeks while player heals, -8 penalty to player's charisma. < 20 - treat the same as regular Viking anal raping

• Based on my experiences running the Serenity RPG. REASON FOR REJECTING YOUR CHARACTER Roll a d8 1 - Thinly veiled rip-off of a well-known established character (i.e. Captain Ralcom Meynolds) 2 - Asked if you could play a Reaver. 3 - Pilot with the Blind Trait 4 - Insisted there was nothing in the rules that specifically said you couldn't play a Reaver. 5 - Hired Gun With Credo: Pacifist Trait 6 - Asked if there was any way you could play a Half-Reaver. 7 - Tried to take Cybernetic Enhancement Trait to replace your penis with a vibrator. 8 - Insisted the only reason I wouldn't let you play a Reaver was because the ladies in the group didn't want to play a "real game" before asking me to call you once they got bored and quit.

• For all the problems WoD had with cross system play it's not nearly as bad as the Paladium system. Everything they published worked on a core rule system. Meaning if you wanted to make a Mutant Fox from the TMNT Mutants in Avalon setting, deck him out with some skills from Rifts and then slap him into a game of Robotech you could and all the skills and stats would translate accordingly. In practice in never went that well, you ended up having to pick and choose various bits and pieces from the character creation system for each system and setting in order to create a viable character. You could take hours building a character only to have him die in the first round of combat because you forgot to notice that all the weapons in the story setting were "Mega Damage" and your squishy ass was wearing standard military fatigues with an MDC rating of 0.

• <b>Players Fate Determination Table</b> Roll a 3d4 3: Fumble! You will live in your parents basement and remain a virgin. 4: The lines between fantasy and reality blur for you, hence the repeated adjustments to your zyprexa and lithium doses. Everyone is a monster coming to get you, ready your fireball spell. 5: You are a regular at renaissance faires and belong to the Society for Creative Anachronism. For your birthday it is Medieval Times every time. You have a large collection of swords, maces and battle-axes. 6-9: You will marry someone who isn't a nerd but is still willing to have sex with you once in a while. You have 2.5 kids. 10: You parlay your love of fantasy into international bestsellers. Although long-winded, you will sell millions of books in your lifetime. Book #12 eludes you. 11: You become the next Vin Diesel D&D player (google it). Be a hater, but he probably has more $$$ and gets more ass than anyone reading this. 12: Critical Hit! World domination is the next step in your ascension. Everyone must make saving throws vs. your awesomeness.

• I dunno, I think I'd take my chances with the drunk midget. I've actually met some pretty scary Twilight fan-girls and twelve year-old X-Box players that could give drunk Flitwick a run for his money.

• For games with a vampiric species: Roll 16d20 for victim's blood glucose level: 0-60: Victim was hypoglycemic. Recieve only half normal food value for consumption. 140+: Victim was hyperglycemic. For next five turns, bounce off walls by performing double-moves and having charisma -3 and wisdom -4. 290+: Victim had embarrassing blood-borne disease. Strength -1 for 10 turns. 61-140: Normal behavior for drinking the species. Diabetes awareness made fun!

• I don't know, a drunk midget in a viking helmet is probably ten times more dangerous than a Twilight fangirl or an X-Box Live user.

• Awesome! You really nailed the language and grammar--do you write stereo instructions for a living? ;) Seriously, I'm thinking about using this list at my next D&D game.

• I just noticed--our entries are complementary. Topless Roboteers can use mine to figure out what to enter, and Rob can use yours to figure out who wins.

• You have reached the dungeon's boss. Roll 1d10 to determine who you shall fight. 1: A drunk midget wearing a viking helmet. 2: A 14 year-old Twilight fan-girl. 3: FlameTroll6969, an aggressive X-Box Live user . 4: A kobold. 5: Zap Rowsdowr, armed with a six-pack of Schlitz and a torch. 6: Yor, Hunter from the Future, complete with makeshift hang-glider and theme song. 7: A wyvern with severe hemorrhoids. 8: Matthew Patel and demon hipster chick minions. 9: A cyborg ninja skeleton king and his army of cowboys riding dinosaurs. 10: David Garrett, author of The Pokemon Story.

• Personal favourite, spotted.

• FOX, CHICKEN, BAG OF CORN, BOAT TABLE Check coming and going. 01-25 Row bag of corn across river first. Roll on fox THAC0 subtable for damage to chicken left behind. 26-50 Row chicken across river first. Fox comes next. Roll on fox THAC0 subtable for damage to chicken as you return for corn sack. 51-75 Row chicken across river first. Corn comes next. Roll on fox THAC0 subtable for damage to corn in sack as you return for fox. 75-99 Row fox across river first. Roll on chicken THAC0 subtable for damage to bag of corn left behind. 00 Boat overturns in river. Drown.

• Oh, balls.

• It is recognized that players may date individuals who do not share their passion for role-playing games, and who may indeed look down on the activity. Generally resolution, if any, of this issue is left at the discretion of the individual involved in said relationship, whether it involves dishonesty or not. Note, however, that this only holds true so long as any dishonesty does not disrupt the game. Specifically, this principle does not apply to any player who (a.) In being dishonest, fails to prevent his significant other from attempting phone contact during the game, and (b.) Fails to turn his phone off during the game, resulting in a situation wherein (c.) Player receives a phone call from unknowing significant other during game play. If such a situation occurs, the offending player is required to resolve the situation in accordance with the whim of the dice. Roll D20 for proper response. No restrictions are placed on the behavior of the other players. Significant Other Phone Response Table (Note: offending player may not leave the room unless otherwise specified.) 1-4: Complete honesty. Fellow players are encouraged to call you out on this if necessary. 5-6: "I'm at work." It doesn't matter if you work at a completely different time, if you have previously stated that you definitely don't have to work at that time, or if you were fired two days ago. This is your problem. 7: "I'm spending time with friends." You are not required to say anything else. 8: "I'm spending time with friends." You are not allowed to say anything else. 9: "I'm spending time with friends." You are required to mention, by name, at least two friends with whom you are supposedly spending time. The two may not include any friends participating in the game with you, and must be mutual acquaintances of you and your significant other. You are not permitted to make any inquiries before choosing the two. 10-11: Ignore the incoming call. 12-13: Answer the phone. You may not speak. You may not hang up. 14-15: Answer the phone. Anything you say must be in the form of a question. 16-117: You are required to answer the phone in character. The conversation must last at least 5 minutes. You may not break character during the conversation. 18-19: Reroll the dice and respond accordingly. You are required to set your phone to "speaker" prior to answering. You may not turn the speaker off until the call ends. 20: You can answer however you want. You can even leave the room if you so desire.* * If player leaves room, remaining participants may refer to How to Torment a Player – Absent Tables 11-96).

• Instruction comprehension fail My bad

• Nice, but you buried the "12 Item Per Table" limit. Just sayin'

• Alas, hearty traveler, your long quest to avail yourself of the virgin curse has reached a heartening milestone, for you definately, if accidentally, touched boob. First, roll one d100 to determine the recipient of your wanton fortune / 1-10: Bought and paid-for hooker --1-hot escort --2-6: passable street walker --7-10: toothless crack head 11-20: Dance Partner --11-14: dance class --15: club --16: party --17-18: prom --19-20: random 21-30: Stranger while in a confined space --21-22: elevator --23-24: subway --25-26: bookstore/library aisle --27-28: stock exchange --29-30: crowded concert 31-40: Elderly woman you're assisting --31-36: cross the street --37-38: with groceries --39-40: down the stairs 41-50: Relation --41: mother --42-44: aunt --45: sister --46-47: cousin --48-50: sister-in-law 51-60: Hot yet annoyed booth girl posing for a picture with you at a convention --51-52: comic booth --53-54: movie booth --55-56: videogame booth --57-58: tech demo --59:60: general greetor 61-70: Woman during an Intersex Athletic Activity --71-72: cheerleading/colorguard --73-74: gym class activity --75-76: wrestling --77-78: gymnastics --79-80: figure skating 71-80: Friend --71-75: hug --76-80: other 81-90: Older woman (during adolescence) --teacher --coach --counsellor --friend's mom --older student 91-100: It was your own boob, you fat bastard / Next, roll the d100 again to determine the aftermath 1-50: The encounter is unnoticed by the maiden 51-60: Confrontation --51-53: maiden rolls eyes scoffs and departs --54-56: maiden disparages you --57-58: maiden accosts you --59-60: maiden's significant other/friend accost(s) you 61-70: Official sanction --61-63: sexaul harrassment charges --64: sexual assalt charges --65-70: banded from the site of the incident 71-80: Euphoria --71: attempt to engage the maiden --72: attempt to engage other maidens --73-74: giggle uncontrollably --75-77: immediately inform peers --78-80: immediately withdraw for some "alone time" 81-95: Freak the Fuck out --81-83: issue rapid fire, wide eyed, fearful, stammering apolgies --84-86: cry uncontrollably --87-89: hyerventilate --90-92: do something drastic and dramatic to draw attention away --93-95: blow your rape whistle 96-100: Mature a little --96: successfully overcome your obsession with boobs --97: calmly appologize/excuse youself --98: wasn't cognisant of the event --99: inspired to join the fight to stop the sexualization of women in our culture --100: discover lump; advise her to schedule a cancer screening (yes, I know some of these combinations are disturb, and yes, I know that many of the options aren't mutually excllusive, but boobs have a way of creating a single-minded focus)

• Table: Pompous OSR Poster on the Internet: "You don't know what you're talking about! No one designed role-playing games better than..." 1) Gary Gygax 2) Dave Arneson 3) Steve Jackson 4) Bob Bledsaw 5) Byron Hall 6) Raven McCracken 7) Mark Rein-Hagen 8) Erick Wujcik

• <b>GM Table for creating "Realistic" player reactions for your NPC character in a campaign.</b> It's a challenge for any GM to help flesh out a campaign when the little nacho eating douches that you try and victimize week-after-week don't know what Role Playing is. Occasionally, you need to throw in an GM-run player character or two to simply flesh things out, but it can break the air of feeling of your game if you mistakenly try to "role play" a character accurately when your players are only concerned with seeing the tits of any female character and getting "teh lootz." In those situations, when your players are starting to see through your thinly veiled attempt to get some story and plot through with your NPCs, consult the d20 table. <b>1 - 3</b>: Scream "Hey, that little fucker just tried to shank me with his boner" even if there isn't an encounter currently happening. <b>4 - 5: Explain to one of the player characters the difference between a portable hold and a bag of holding, despite the fact that no character in the campaign has any idea what either thing is <b>6 - 8: Have your character randomly start attacking a member of the party. If available, the random target should be a bard. <b>9 - 10: If your character is male, demand that some nearby female show everyone her tits. If your NPC is female, demand the same thing, but offer to compare. <b>11 - 14: Say something random about hit points and armor class, in character, despite the fact that both are player tools. Most of your players assume that the people in the game actually walk around with a life meter or something anyway. <b>15 - 16</b>: Suddenly change the alignment of your character for no particular reason other than to mess up the encounter with an NPC that you're also controlling. <b>17</b>: Have your character cast a conjuration spell to produce some sort of firearm, regardless of class and game setting. Don't use it, just keep it on hand, and then deny any player from doing the same. <b>18</b>: Give false information to other players that your character would have no way of knowing. Make it sound real, just to screw with them a little. <b>19</b>: Instigate a a sexual encounter with a random NPC or monster for no real purpose, and then pretend like it never happened. <b>20</b>: Scream "Why? Cause fuck 'em, that's why!" in justification for some seemingly random thing your character did to advance the plot, and then give the player character a random magic item that will drastically alter the plot if it falls into PC hands.

• And glad you liked the idea. Always try to help my fellow geek.

• I used to have the 10 sided die for Exalted. But I haven't played in 5 years...I'm not even sure I still have my character sheets.

• It's a good idea, I probably would've used it if I hadn't come up with this. The neat thing to do would've been to make this table, and then instead of entering it, actually use it to determine what I should enter. Let's see what would've happened: *rolls 2d10(seriously, I've got 'em right here)* 90, thats "blah, blah, blah, Star Wars, blah, blah" Glad I entered this table.

• Ah, damnit!...nice one, Scooter!

• What's the next post on Topless Robot going to be? (Barring regular scheduled posts like lists or FFF?) 0-8 Scarring, damning, or embarrassing youtube footage 9-15 Awesome toy, custom or otherwise, that you'll never get 16-20 Preview video for a game that won't be that great when it gets here, if it doesn't go all Duke Nukem Forever on you 21-27 Joss Whedon crap (possibly literally) 28-33 More Tron: Legacy, insuring the whole movie will be released in 10 second increments captured by cell phones 34-40 Unconventional video game animation, like Super Mario Brothers acted out with cock puppetry or something 41-47 Michael Bay Michael Bay'ing all over your childhood again 48-52 Someone awesome who you may or may not have ever heard of dies, leaving your life even more empty 53-61 Nerd crime--we're all getting angrier, it's just a matter of time 62-67 Star Wars mashup 68-72 Japan traumatizing us just by being Japan 73-79 Badmouthing Twilight, or some other inexplicable fad 80 Coverage of actual horror movie. Seriously, could do with a bit more horror coverage 81-86 Nerdlebrity news; about someone richer, prettier, and more talented than you who likes the same crap 87-93 Deadpool/Green Lantern/Ryan Reynolds stalking 94 The ongoing adventures of Alan Moore's beard 95 The slightest hint of good news about the Hobbit, James Bond, or Robocop movies 96 Fan using his nerd love for good, not evil 97 Stan Lee, William Shatner, and/or George Lucas musical number/fight scene/legal battle 98 Your fan-fic 99 Rob completely loses it, possibly over your fan-fic 00 I win a goddamn Topless Robot t-shirt

• That's why true geeks use d20s: everything 7 and above is sweet, sweet nerd lovings.

• I want to give you the benefit of the doubt but I will go with 99-00.

• Well played and indeed better than my suggestion. Although, I thought at the time it was wonderfully meta-cognitive to have a table about being unable to make a table.

• Guess what I rolled?

• (Dig it: I'm driving myself nuts trying to come up with an entry, and lo and behold...) TR CONTEST RANDOM ENTRY GENERATOR: 01-10: Shamelessly pander to Rob(reference MOTU, Tron, Scott Pilgrim, One Piece, etc.) 11-25: Bash Michael Bay 26-35: Reference today's FFF story 36-50: Bash M. Night Shyamalan 51-65: Dick jokes 66-75: Reference only you and three other people alive will get. 76-85: Cliched and painfully overused reference 86-90: blah, blah, blah, Star Wars, blah, blah 91-92: Deliberately perverse and repulsive entry 93-94: Cluelessly offensive and insulting entry 95-98: Reference the site editor's supposed desire to perform oral sex upon a well known television producer and film director. 99-00: Annoying pseudo-clever self-referential meta-entry

• The Incredibly Useful DM Table (aka, the "If you're all going to just shank each other and everyone else in range, you deserve what you get" table) For surreptitiously(ish) rebooting a game that has not just gone off the rails, but in which the players have murdered the rails and the rails' families, and looted the corpses. Roll a d20: 20: The players lucked out... this time. They should be given a vague warning from a wandering prophet (or similar) that a "judgment will come upon them if they do not mend their ways." If the party does not improve behavior within one session, roll again. 18-19: All of the players' grandmothers suddenly materialize to give them a stern talking to. If for whatever reason, the player's character does not HAVE a grandmother, either the reanimated corpse of their grandmother appears, or the player's chosen deity appears to bitchslap them. All players' skills and attributes are halved for three sessions, or until they mend their ways and chip in to buy the DM a nice fruit basket (or similar). 16-17: A local monarch (or god, if the players could safely turn a mere mortal monarch into so much royal jelly at this point) appears before the party and demands that they join him/ her/ it in a game. The opponent then produces paper and writing implements, various dice, and a red cloak (which the opponent immediately dons). The metagame has begun. 14-15: Time travel. Regardless of what debauchery the players are currently engaged in, a portal opens beneath them, depositing them in a strange far away land. If campaign was set in modern times, the PCs are now in ancient times. If the campaign was classic DnD or similar, it is now d20 modern. Also, the natives are hostile. 12-13: Deadpool appears and insists on joining the party. Hijinks ensue. 10-11: The party encounters a "mystical field" which robs all spellcasters/ magic users of their ability to perform magic. These powers are instead granted to the party's fighters/ non-magic users, who are stripped of all weapon and armor proficiencies. Note that skills and attributes are not in any way affected. 8-9: The party encounters a wandering Rob Bricken! It uses a Fanfic! It's super effective! If the campaign was anything other than Call of Cthulu, the fanfic acts as a gateway into a Call of Cthulu- based world. If the campaign was already CoC, a Lovecraftian horror appears, reads the fanfic, and takes notes before disappearing with a menacing grin and an ominous "Soon..." 6-7: Apocalypse now! In a magic-based setting, all magic suddenly fails. Inherently magical races find themselves turned into ordinary humans. No magic items or abilities continue to function, except for those wielded by the horde of tentacle demons heading the party's way... In a modern/ technology-based setting, all technology suddenly and inexplicably fails. (There are still tentacle demons.) 4-5: All players are body-swapped with the reanimated corpse of one of the people they've slaughtered during the campaign. The hapless NPCs now reside in the players' former (over-powered, "I found a source book with stats for a half-dragon demigod psion) bodies. The NPCs remember exactly what, and who, killed them. 2-3: A horde of Vikings (or space Vikings, as the situation warrants) storms the tavern/ castle/ empty plain (etc) and whisks the players off to become slaves/ brides. No saving throw. 1: Rocks fall; everyone dies. All players reincarnated as the (lvl 1) child of one of the NPCs the party terrorized.

• Actually, I've got something better--scroll down.

• My players had eight of these. In a single game.

• Occum's razor. Why not do a table about writer's block? 01-10: Spent five minutes staring blanking at the computer screen...10-20: Face palming repeatedly saying, "WTF, I Know this shit?" etc.

• Right, my bad. It was just so very descriptive that I lost track.

• Hey, if I win, you can have mine.

• No need for you to be sorry, its all in good fun! Besides if I took offense to every comment posted on the web I would drown in black label. Agreed on the D12 I never used the weapons that required them. I should have varied more but was rushed when I posted.

• If it were a D6, the percentages would be (roughly) 01 - 17, 18 - 33, 34 - 50, 51 - 67, 68 - 83, 84 - 00. Math troll fail!

• Sweet. We need to start posting dire prophecies about the coming of the Anti-Bricken.

• Don't worry, I've got decades of RPG experience and I'm still stumped. Besides, you don't really need to know anything about RPGs. You can see the basic format by looking at the other entries, then just use your imagination. That's how I got an HM on the Death Star Twitter contest despite the fact I've never been on Twitter in my life.

• Nah, you'd need someone eviler than Cheney--Dick would make Palpatine his bitch.

• God, if only the WoD games I've been in were so sensible. Gotta love White Wolf. They create a universe populated with completely incompatible characters, throw out a dozen warnings about how cross-genre games are a bad idea. All the while knowing damn well that in every Vampire game, somebody's gonna try to be a Werewolf, or a Vampire in a Changeling game, or a Mage in a Werewolf game, and somewhwere out there, there's an ST stupid enough to let them. Despite the fact that cross-genre rules are either sketchy or nonexistent. That's why they did away with most of the interspecies conflicts in New WoD, which might make for some interesting games if anyone would actually play it.

• Least you've got an excuse. I've got RPG knowledge and I still can't come up with jack shit.

• Wonderful! Since I'm suffering acute writer's block, I think for now I'll just cheerlead-- Go Skeeter!

• Roll a seven if you have no idea what's going on. Put a domino somewhere on the board if you've never played d&d before. Whip out an old school poison slammer and hope no one hits you with a plastic sword. Then miss Pogs with +2 heart.

• I think we need a table to help player character visualise what they dream at night. It could be something like this; Game Master: Okay Player 1, you dreamt that you were [roll] on a frozen lake [roll] and were chased [roll] by a cheese. Player 1: Cool. Game Master: Player 2, you were [roll] in your parents' house [roll] and was taking dancing lessons from [roll] a cheese. Player 2: Oh... weird? Game Master: And for Player 3, you were [roll] in a dystopian city [roll] and was falling in love with [roll] a cheese. Player 3: Another cheese? What's wrong with you? Game Master: The dice don't lie, cheese pervert. This example nonwithstanding, I think it could be a fun table for any game.

• Actually, it was twelve exactly - well, minus Emperor Palpatine.

• Damn, I want that table. *clap*

• A lot of fantasy gamers, still keying off of Tolkein (or the Tolkein movies) find comfort in the standard fantasy window-dressing having a sort of Britishness about it, extending to Irish gnomes or halflings and the Universally Scottish Dwarf. If that's you, then this table can come in handy. If the party wants an audience with the village elder/town mayor/area lord, and you hadn't anticipated this, roll 1d10 to determine what British actor to impersonate on the fly. This table includes random results for women, because they can be elders and mayors too, you fucks. 1: Jason Statham 2: Ian McKellen 3: Desmond Llewellyn 4: Cristopher Eccleston 5: Dick Van Dyke 6: Emma Watson 7: Julie Andrews 8: Judi Dench 9: Catherine Tate 10: Renee Zellweger

• 1-4 Roll a d10 on this table 5-8 Roll 2 d4 on this table 9-12 Roll 2 d6 on this table

• The "Tony Stark is a Dick" chart For every ten minutes spent in proximity to Tony Stark, roll 1d12 and compare the result to the table below. 1. <b>The Payoff.</b> Tony Stark attempts to buy the loyalty of a designated PC by writing a one on a check and then proceeding to write a series of zeros. When the designated PC feels that the number of zeros on the check is suffificient to purchase his loyalty, he may tell Tony Stark to stop. If the PC's loyalty has already been purchased, Stark donates the money to charity instead. 2: <b>Pick-Up Artist.</b> Tony Stark attempts to seduce one of the women in the room. He will ignore anyone and everyone else in the room until the woman is seduced. If there are no women in the room, he will describe a fantasy woman and explain how she could be successfully seduced. 3: <b>Ridiculous Bet.</b> Tony Stark will offer a bet of 1d100 x $1000 that some common occurance will not, in fact, take place. 4: <b>Boose-hound.</b> You caught Tony Stark in one of his soused periods. Tony Stark insists that the party get drunk with him. In Bermuda. Tonight. 5: <b>Iron Man.</b> Tony Stark rapidly leaves the room for no stated reason. Iron Man is seen flying into the distance ten minutes later. 6: <b>Nanobots.</b> You didn't think that was just coffee that you were drinking? The designated PC is depowered for 1d20 hours. 7: <b>Cell Phone.</b> Tony Stark becomes oblivious to the presence of the PCs and attempts to place a phone call using any available technology. The party may learn valuable information by listening in. 8: <b>What Stays in Vegas, Happens in Vegas.</b> Tony Stark insists that the party accompany him to Las Vegas. He will not take no for an answer. If his motiviation is questioned, he will insist that Las Vegas is "happening". 9: <b>Lecture.</b> Tony Stark launches into a lecture. Roll 1d100 and compare the result to the "Tony Stark Random Lecture" chart. Tony Stark will lecture on this topic for 1d4 hours before reaching a completely banal conclusion. 10: <b>Strippers.</b> Tony Stark offers any women within sight 1d10 x $100 to begin stripping. If more than one woman is present, he will offer them double the money to strip and then make out. If no women are present, he will call "Louie" and order 1d20 strippers with "no questions asked". 11: <b>Staring.</b> Tony Stark stares in a random direction, without moving, for 1d12 minutes. 12: <b>Upgrade.</b> Tony Stark offers to replace a random gadget owned by the PCs with a Stark-tech upgrade if one is available. In exchange for the upgrade, the PC will be obligated to listen for at least 1d20 minutes to Stark's description of the design and development process.

• You forgot sarcoidosis

• George Lucas' table for making Star Wars Prequels. roll 1d10 1-"i've got a bad feeling about this" 2-original trilogy reference 3-have Anakin go on a killing spree 4-Samuel L Jackson 5-flashy CGI effects 6-comic relief character the kids will but the long time fans will hate 7-revelation that makes original trilogy characters significantly less cool (Boba was a clone, Darth Vader was a whiny emo kid) 8-more flashy CGI effects 9-the chosen one 10-midichlorians

• That's the joke, you're supposed to roll on a D6

• Male Harlot Table. 01-10 80's porn star turned gigolo, moustache and all 11-20 Wide-eyed desperat young runaway 21-30 Expensive camp gentleman 31-40 Aggresive leatherclad SM-master 41-50 Twilight vampire wannabe 51-60 Middle aged drag queen 61-70 Prince charming, at a price 71-80 Cuddly bear 81-90 Unreliable pimp 91-00 Freddy 'For-all-your-freaky-kinks'

• If any two members of the topless Robot community were to breed their child would be: roll 1d20 1-2 = Into Video games 3-4 = A Super Hero comic fan 5-6 = A role Playing Gamer 7-8 = A Trekker 9-10 = A Trekkie who leans to speak Klingon 11 = A Trekkie who will get married in full Klingon regalia 12-13= Fan Fiction Writer 14-15= Erotic Fan Fiction Writer 16 = Homeless 17-18 = An Erotic Furry Aficionado 19 = The Anti-Bricken (a Joss Whedon Hating Tron loathing Bastard determined to give Micheal Bay licences for all our childhood memmories) 20 = A respectable member of Society,just kidding does not compute please roll again.....

• TREASURE ROOM: THE LUCAS ARCHIVES Your party has reached the archives of wildly successful film producer/director George Lucas. You find a single key that will open one of many identical unmarked boxes. Roll a d10, use the table below to determine which unreleased masterpiece you retrieve. 1-2: "The Binks Chronicles" 3-4: "Star Wars 2 1/2: The Complete Senate Hearing Archives" 5-6: "Ewok Adventure II: Attack of the Cuddly," with special guest Carlos Mencia 7-8: "Raiders of the Lost Ark, Special Edition" (sword guy shoots first) 9-10: "Star Wars, Episodes 7-9", starring Shia LeBeouf as Ian Skywalker, and Bow Wow as young Billy Calrissian 11-12: "Original Star Wars Trilogy, Widescreen, high-definition, THX Non-Special Edition"

• Emperor Palpatine

• that's just a d6 you cheater.

• FATAL is the only RPG in which you roll for ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE. oh and how big your ogre dick is.

• Never seen a Nine-sided die

• Awesome.

• Guess I should just pre-emptively honor kill myself. *falls on sword*

• Ahh, as flavorful as they were, I really do not miss the ole THAC0 days. Anyway, let's pretend that my entry is for a d20. <u>Advanced Dungeons and Dragon Die Result Table</u> Roll a d10, use result from result table to determine outcome of die roll. <i>Note: You will need this chart often, but it's on a random page in an obscure section of the Player's Handbook. The index is futile.</i> Result: 1: 3 2: 7 3: 2 4: 6 5: 1 6: 10 7: 9 8: 4 9: 5 10:8

• Posted my entry a white ago, but just got around to reading the others. Only mildly surprised to see another FFF inspired one. We should combine our tables. Now you can know whats coming and what to chase it with.

• I tried this once, sucked as usual. I had to make up some backstory that the npc had had "Tasha's Ambulatory Accent" cast on him by a vengeful wizard to explain why I couldn't keep a single accent going for more than three or four words.

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