One of the most fascinating parts of Dungeons & Dragons — for me, at least — was all the charts. It seemed like everything was covered, that you could create an entire world down to the tiniest creature living on it as long as you had the dice and could find the right table. I mean, the original Advanced D&D had this marvel:
?(This is my favorite table of all time, as has been previously documented.) But despite the ease of figuring out which whores might be encountered, there were some gaps in the system.
Your job: Make up new RPG tables to fill the void. A table for STDs contracted from Saucy Tarts? How much of an insufferable asshole an NPC Paladin is likely to be? The chances a bored orc guarding a chest in a 10-by-10 room might be masturbating when the party walks in? As long as you can roll a die and there are more than two options on the table, the choice is yours.
And I know not all of you are D&D players, so I’m opening it up any any RPG past or present — cyberpunk, Rifts, Cthulhu, Marvel, DC, TMNT, whatever. So you can have a table for how a cybernetic hand might malfunction. Or you could have a table for figuring out which machines Donatello “does” on a given evening. And mostly importantly, we need some kind of a table to figure out what kind of incontinence Batman experiences while fighting crime.
One entry per person, and let’s make sure no table has more than 12 entries, otherwise I’ll never be able to judge them all. Any dice can be used for the table as long as they can actually be rolled by dice). The contest ends Monday at 12:01 am EST on August the 30th. And yes, I did roll a d20 to figure all of this out.