Topless Robot Presents: The Best Scenes from the Green Lantern Movie

By Rob Bricken in Comics, Movies
Monday, June 20, 2011 at 5:00 pm
green-lantern2.jpg
I saw Green Lantern this weekend. The critics were right; it pretty much sucked. There were surprisingly little superheroics in it, and Hal Jordan was genuinely unlikable for most of the movie -- in fact, he was probably the least likable character in the whole damn movie, which is kind of problematic in the sense that he was the title character. But most of all, it's just dull. If you've seen the trailers and clips I've posted , you've seen pretty much all the good stuff, including the stuff on Oa and the fight scenes. Seriously.

It also doesn't make a lot of sense. In fact, a lot of you have asked me questions about Green Lantern, with some frequency. Unfortunately, I'll be doing an FAQ for Transformers 3 next week, and I didn't want to blow my load early. But in order to help people understand Green Lantern -- or just so they can skip the movie entirely and save their money -- I would like to present Topless Robot's guide to the best scenes from the movie! At least how I remember them.


THE BEST SCENES FROM GREEN LANTERN:

Blake Lively's Dad: As head of Ferris Air, I want to sell my super-awesome drones to the military. So I'm going have Hal Jordan and my daughter Blake Lively, my own two test pilots, fight them and presumably lose.
Military Guy: Huh? Why would you do that? Why would we be okay with that? You could have told your pilots to lose on purpose so we buy your drones. If you were even slightly intelligent, you would have definitely done that.
Blake Lively's Dad: Don't worry, gentlemen. Hal Jordan is such as asshole, he will be unable to resist trying to win. I promise.

***********************************

Blake Lively's Dad: Well, Hal, you used my daughter as a decoy and then cheated to defeat the drones.
Blake Lively: Specifically, you used me as a decoy, but didn't actually use that to your benefit, meaning you had me shot down for no reason whatsoever.
Blake Lively's Dad: Now the military is going to refuse the contract, and I'm going to have to fire countless employees. Good men will lose their livelihoods because of you.
Blake Lively: And although you're supposedly such an awesome pilot, you had a total freakout for no reason whatsoever and ended up destroying your incredibly expensive plane, too.
Hal Jordan: (shrugs) Oh well. Whatcha gonna do?
Blake Lively's Dad: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Abin Sur: Hal Jordan. The ring has chosen you because you are fearless.
(1 minute earlier)
Hal Jordan: I'm afraid of being in this crazy green energy ball!
(10 minutes earlier)
Hal Jordan: I'm afraid of dying in a test plane like my dad!
(15 minutes after getting the ring)
Hal Jordan: I'm afraid of intimacy!
(25 minutes later)
Hal Jordan: I'm afraid of being a Green Lantern!
(20 minutes later)
Hal Jordan: I'm afraid I suck!
Blake Lively: You do suck. Hard

***********************************

Newly Unemployed Man: Hal Jordan, you needlessly cost us our jobs, apparently just to be a dick. We are going to beat you up outside this bar.
Hal Jordan: Hyah! (tries to throw punch, ends up throwing giant green fist; men go flying into walls and car windows)
Newly Unemployed Man: Really? The first use of your superpower is going to beat several men who you got fired unconscious?
Hal Jordan: Guess so!
Newly Unemployed Man: Christ, what an asshole. (falls unconscious)

***********************************

Hector Hammond: I am a quiet if awkward Xenobiology 101 teacher that shows no aggression or ill will toward anybody. I hope I don't get infected with an alien parasite that makes my head grow and makes me evil, because at the moment I'm significantly more sympathetic than Hal Jordan! Now, to dissect this purple alien!
(sticks hand in Abin Sur's wound, immediately gets infected with Parallax)
Hector Hammond: Well, shit.

***********************************

Jeremy Clarke Kilowog: Hal Jordan, now that you've arrived on Oa, let's train for two minutes.
(they train for two minutes; Sinestro arrives)
Sinestro: Hal Jordan, Abin Sur was the greatest Green Lantern ever. You embarrass him by wearing his ring. And even though I look like a bad guy with my pencil-thin mustache, the fact that I've been fighting for good in this movie so far but also because you've been a huge douchebag, I am obviously right about this. I'm also more likeable than you, too, even though I look like an intergalactic pedophile.
Hal Jordan: This Green Lantern shit is hard. I quit.
Sinestro: What?
Hal Jordan: Yeah, I'm going home. See if I can bang Blake Lively or something.
Sinestro: Seriously? You're chosen to guard part of the universe, and not only are you quitting after two minutes, leaving countless lives in jeopardy, you're not even going to try? How the hell are you the hero of this film?
Hal Jordan: Not sure. Sniff you jerks later! (flies off)
Jeremy Clarke Kilowog: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Sinestro: Guardians! There is a new evil loose in the universe. It's killed a few Green Lanterns and two whole planets. It comes from the planet where Abin Sur imprisoned Parallax. Also, survivors say it's really yellow and evil, just like Parallax. Also, it looks like Parallax.
Guardians: ...
Sinestro: I think it might be Parallax.
Guardians: Okay, we'll get around to that.
Sinestro: Really? You're going to be morally ambiguous here? I know you've been dicks in the comics for years, but this is the very first movie. If you aren't clearly good, it makes the entire Green Lantern concept questionable to people who are learning about Green Lantern for the first time. And frankly, Hal isn't earning us any good will either.
Guardians: Um... we have to go do our hair.
Sinestro: Goddammit.

***********************************

Blake Lively's Dad: Well, Hal, despite you being a total prick, we got the military contract anyways. You are invited to this big fancy party that I'm throwing with the money I ended up saving after I fired all those people.
Hal Jordan: Awesome. (steals people's drinks even though there's an open bar)
Hector Hammond's Dad: I am going to think mean things about you, son, and then get on a helicopter.
Hector Hammond: I'm going to hear those mean things, because of my new ill-defined powers, and then I'm going to break your helicopter while it's in flight.
(Hector Hammond's Dad gets in helicopter, it takes off, Hector Hammond breaks it with his mind, it crashes at the edge of the party and slides length-wise through it, potentially killing dozens of people)
Blake Lively: Oh no! The helicopter is getting close to me!
Hal Jordan: I have finally decided to help! (puts helicopter on elaborate, ostentatious giant Hot Wheels track instead of just stopping it)
Every Single Other Person at the Party: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Sinestro: Well, guess fucking what? It was Parallax. Killed a bunch more Green Lanterns, too. Mind telling me what you know about Parallax now?
Guardians: (sighs) Okay. At one point we thought about fighting evil with the yellow emotion of fear in addition to the green emotion of willpower.
Sinestro: Willpower is not an emotion.
Guardians: Shut up. Anyways, turns out that the yellow power of fear was too powerful and uncontrollable and totally evil, and it even possessed one of the Guardians, who transformed into Parallax. So really, our messing with the yellow power of fear is what caused this entire problem in the first place.
Sinestro: I have an idea: Let's do that exact same thing. And maybe make a yellow power ring or something.
Guardians: That is the BEST. PLAN. EVER.

***********************************

Hal Jordan: I'm seriously afraid of being a Green Lantern.
Blake Lively: Jesus, really? Still? The movie is two-thirds over at this point. Can't you do something heroic?
Hal Jordan: Well, I just fought Hector Hammond. Although he totally kicked my ass and managed to kill his dad while I was there.
Blake Lively: That's not heroic at all. How did you even get away?
Hal Jordan: I don't really know. I kind of put my ring on him and it pushed him across the room. And then the scene just ended.
Blake Lively: You didn't follow him or anything?
Hal Jordan: Nope. Actually, the very next scene was Hector waking up in his bed in his apartment, so he's not even hiding or anything. Apparently I couldn't care less what he does.
Blake Lively: Ugh. Look, Hal. You're clearly afraid of everything, ever. So obviously what the purple alien dude meant is that you aren't fearless, but that you have the power to overcome fear. Even though he specifically called you fearless and you've given zero evidence that you can actually overcome fear to any degree.
Hal Jordan: Huh? I wasn't listening. Anyways, I'm going to go away for a while and let Hector capture you. (flies off)
Blake Lively: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Parallax: HEY, HECTOR.
Hector Hammond: Hey, Parallax.
Parallax: I AM GOING TO OA TO EAT EVERYBODY. WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
Hector Hammond: Well, you made me evil, so I'm going to fuck around with Hal Jordan and Blake Lively because of some tenuous connection in our past that the movie only alluded to like five minutes ago,
Parallax: OKAY, COOL. HEY, HAL JORDAN WEARS THE RING OF THE DUDE WHO IMPRISONED ME, RIGHT? I THINK I'LL COME TO EARTH, EAT HIM AND ALL OF HUMANITY, AND THEN I'LL BE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO GO TO OA AND DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS AND ALL THE GREEN LANTERNS!
Hector Hammond: ...
Parallax: WHAT.
Hector Hammond: ...doesn't that mean you aren't powerful enough to defeat the Guardians and Green Lanterns right now?
Parallax: WELL, YES.
Hector Hammond: So... why were you going to Oa?
(pause)
Parallax: OH SHIT! I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN! I WAS ABOUT TO GET MY ASS KICKED!
Hector Hammond: Yeah, you were!
Parallax: I'M SO GLAD I CALLED!

***********************************

Hal Jordan: Guardians! I'm ready to be a hero now! Parallax is heading to Earth! And we don't have much time, because the movie is like 6/7ths over!
Guardians: Okay... what do you want?
Hal Jordan: I want you to send all the Green Lanterns to Earth to fight Parallax!
Guardians: (pretending to think) ...nah.
Hal Jordan: Really?
Guardians: Really.
Hal Jordan: Well, let me fight on Earth's behalf!
Guardians: Huh?
Hal Jordan: I said, let me fight on Earth's beh--
Guardians: We know what you said. But did we ever tell you you couldn't fight for Earth?
Hal Jordan: No.
Guardians: Actually, have we told you anything, ever?
Hal Jordan: No.
Guardians: Have we ever appeared to have given the tiniest shit about you, even when you quit the Green Lantern Corps but still took your Power Ring with you?
Hal Jordan: Not really.
Guardians: So why would you ask us permission to fight for your own planet? Go ahead. Knock yourself out.
Hal Jordan: Oh. I guess... I guess I'll be going then. (flies back to Earth)
Guardians: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Hector Hammond: I have captured Blake Lively!
Hal Jordan: You certainly have. Let her go, and you can have my Green Lantern ring.
Hector Hammond: Bullshit. Only people who are worthy can wear a Power Ring. I've never read a Green Lantern comic and even I know that.
Hal Jordan: No, it's cool. Seriously. (tosses ring to Hector, Hector puts it on)
Hector Hammond: Holy shit! (uses ring to blast wall) Oh, the GL fans are going to lose their shit over this.
Hal Jordan: Ha ha! I lied! You have to be chosen to use the ring!
Hector Hammond: Dude. I just used it. You saw me. I clearly don't have to be chosen. (ring suddenly tases Hector for no discernable reason; Parallax breaks into the building)
Parallax: I SEE THAT GREEN LANTERN! HE'S STILL ALIVE! HECTOR HAMMOND, YOU HAVE FAILED ME! I EAT YOU NOW! OM NOM NOM NOM. (Parallax eats Hector's soul, drops body to the floor, which is still wearing the Power Ring)
Hal Jordan: Hey.
Parallax. HEY. SO... YOU GOING TO SUMMON YOUR RING TO YOU AND FIGHT ME OR SOMETHING?
Hal Jordan: Apparently I can't do that. I have to walk over and pick it up.
Parallax: REALLY? THAT'S BULLSHIT. OH WELL, YOU TAKE SOME TIME TO GET YOUR RING AND TALK TO BLAKE LIVELY AND COLLECT YOURSELF. I'LL JUST LEAVE AND EAT SOME PEOPLE IN THE CITY OR SOMETHING. TAKE YOUR TIME.
Hal Jordan: Thanks, dude!
Hector Hammond's Corpse: Christ, what an asshole.

***********************************

Hal Jordan: Parallax!
Parallax: VAN WILDER!
Hal Jordan: It is the final battle! I am one lone, incredibly shitty Green Lantern!
Parallax: I AM THE ULTIMATE EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE WHO CAN DESTROY WHOLE PLANETS AND HORDES OF GREEN LANTERNS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ABIN SUR!
Hal Jordan: Yes! But when you were chasing me, I flew really close to the sun, and now you're being sucked into its gravitational pull!
(pause)
Parallax: OH, SHIT.
Hal Jordan: Yep!
Parallax: GOD, THIS IS EMBARRASSING. IT'S THE GALACTIC EQUIVALENT OF NOT LOOKING BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING THE STREET.
Hal Jordan: Seriously. I can't believe all the Green Lanterns had such a tough time with you, because you are one stupid motherfucker.
Parallax: SERIOUSLY, IT'S LIKE A LOONEY TUNES CARTOON, WHERE WILE E. COYOTE MAKES A PIT AND COVERS IT WITH STICKS OR SOME SHIT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL FOR IT.
Hal Jordan: You know what the best part is? Even though you were defeated by your own stupidity, we're all going to pretend that this fulfills my heroic journey and all the Green Lanterns will like me now! Even Sinestro!
Parallax: FUCK. REALLY?
Hal Jordan: Yep!
Parallax: CHRIST, WHAAT AN AAAAAASSSSHHHHOOOOOLLLLL-- (gets sucked into the sun and burns up)

***********************************

Sinestro: I have been significantly more heroic than Hal Jordan this entire film. I tried to protect the universe. I actually fought Parallax instead of just tricking him into flying into the sun. I called Hal Jordan a douche, but only while he was totally being a douche. I only wanted the clearly evil Yellow Power Ring to fight the evil of Parallax and save lives. And just a minute ago, I talked about how awesome Hal was in front of the whole Green Lantern Corps for the film's final scene. I have been a good guy for the entirety of the movie, while Hal's been a hero for maybe 10%,15% tops.
(roll credits)
Sinestro: I'm not putting on the Yellow Power Ring.
Hal Jordan: Oh yes you are.
Sinestro: No I'm not. I have no motivation to do it. Parallax is dead, albeit in a very stupid way. I've been a good guy the entire film. It's totally against my character as established throughout the movie.
Hal Jordan: Sorry, you're the bad guy in the sequel.
Sinestro: There's not going to be a sequel! This movie sucked! It doesn't even look like we're going to break even!
Hal Jordan: Maybe, but you still gotta put it on. Just in case.
Sinestro: Goddammit. (puts on Yellow Power Ring, his outfit transforms into his Sinestro Corps uniform)
Hal Jordan: Thanks, dude! Sniff you later! (flies off)
Sinestro: Christ, what an asshole.

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