?Clue is one of the best movies of all time. I have pretty much the entire thing memorized. If you haven’t seen it or don’t like it, well, shame on you. I have no idea why the original board game characters were named after colors but with the spectrum recently on the brain thanks to the final issue of DC and Geoff Johns’ Blackest Night comic event wrapping up earlier this week, it got me thinking — colored-coded, power ring-wearing superheroes and villains. Color-coded murder suspects/board game characters. Could the cast of Clue be made into DC-style Lanterns?
I know what you’re saying. I’m stretching. You’re damn right I’m stretching. Blackest Night was a 9-month long mega-series, touching all corners of the DC universe (with super-zombies). every other Blackest Night list has already been done, twice — forget about “event fatigue,” this is “writing about event fatigue.” But don’t worry, turns out, the Clue/Lantern connection works better than you’d imagine.
9) Mrs. White, Red Lantern (Rage)
?Her husband threatened, in public, to kill her and was “schtupping” Yvette; I’d be pissed. It’s never clearly stated but it’s inferred Mrs. White killed not one, but two of her five husbands. The latter’s head had been cut off, as had his… you know. Sounds like someone with a lot of rage if you ask me. If that isn’t enough to convince you, throughout the film she knees Mr. Boddy in the crotch, threatens Wadsworth and smashes a glass into the mantle of the fireplace.
Final proof of rage? “I hated her soooo much that I-It-It–flame–flames… on the side of my face.. .breathing… breathle– heaving breaths… heaving…”
8) Colonel Mustard, Orange Lantern (Avarice)
?He drives an expensive car and doesn’t skimp on the whiskey. Colonel Mustard would have us believe he came into money during the war, when he lost his mommy and daddy, but he’s a filthy liar. He was really a greedy war profiteer who stole air force radio parts and sold them on the black market. It didn’t matter if soldiers died because of it. That’s pure greed, baby.
Final proof of avarice? “They are my pictures, and I’d like them back.” Larfleeze would be proud.
7) Mr. Boddy, Sinestro Corps (Fear)
?He brings lethal weapons to a dinner party — of course he’s the embodiment of fear. With that slicked back hair and beady little eyes, he makes a pretty imposing figure… and he’s definitely not opposed to physical violence. Most of all, the guests believe him to be their blackmailer, the one responsible for all their grief. They’re more than a little freaked out by his presence alone.
Final proof of fear? “The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. Now.”
6) Mr. Green, Green Lantern (Will)
?“I’m not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the state department. And I am a homosexual!” Coming out to a group of strangers in the 1950s takes balls of steel. Plus, with all the libation going on that evening, Mr. Green doesn’t take one sip. Of course, we realize later the first part was a lie and he wasn’t drinking because he was on the job but still, I don’t think I’d be able to resist if I were in that house with those wackjobs. Also, like any good Green Lantern, he’s a very good shot.
Final proof of will? He insisted time and time again, “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
5) Mrs. Peacock, Blue Lantern (Hope[lessness])
?Well, she’s named after a blue bird and she drives a blue car, but turns out Mrs. Peacock is actually the embodiment of anti-hope in this scenario. Even though she was determined to enjoy herself she managed to freak out over just about everything. Granted, she did have a poisoning scare and a corpse attacked her, so I don’t blame her for being a little hopeless about the whole situation.
Final proof of hopelessness? “Oh, who cares?! That guy doesn’t matter! Let him stay, locked up for another half an hour! The police will be here by then, and there are two dead bodies in the study!!
4) Professor Plum, Indigo Tribe (Compassion)
?If you can forget about the whole sleeping-with-his-patients thing, Professor Plum actually seems like a pretty swell guy. He picks up Miss Scarlet at her broken down car (although mainly because her ass was sticking out) and holds an umbrella for her (but only so he can cop a feel on said ass). He is truly concerned about the motorist’s well being, insisting they don’t throw him out in the storm and is more than happy to illustrate to Mrs. White how a certain sexual position is, in fact, possible to get into. Don’t forget he works for the United Nations World Health Organization, specializing in family planning. What’s more compassionate than that?
Final proof of compassion? “He won’t be driving home officer! I can promise you that.”
3) Miss Scarlet, Star Sapphire (Love)
?She’s a Madam — what more do you need to hear? Miss Scarlet may be in the business of a more casual kind of love, but like most Star Sapphires she believes most men could use a little practice. There are a few subtle hints at real caring though, she asks Mrs. White if she misses her dead husband. She sells sex and isn’t afraid to use it to get what she wants but more importantly, she took other women like Yvette and the singing telegram girl under her wing as employees.
Final proof of love? “I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while.”
2) Wadsworth, Black Lantern (Death)
?The first image we get of Wadsworth is one of a very serious man, dressed in all black, giving raw meat to the guard dogs of the mansion. He’s very serious at first, but pretty soon we find out he’s a rather comical guy. Then he switches it on us again! He Keyser S?zed us before that was even a thing! We should have known something was wrong when Wadsworth told the guests the doors would only open over his dead body. Also, he handles corpses nonchalantly and quite frankly, he looks like a mortician. Just like Black Hand.
Final proof of death? “Ours is not to reason why… Ours is but to do and die.”
1) Yvette, White Lantern (Life)
?She may be dead, but that cleavage will live on forever.
Final proof of life? “But it is dark upstairs, and I am frightened of ze dark.”