The 10 Pok?mon Least Equipped To Actually Survive In Nature
By Caleb Goellner
Not every Pok?mon is worth catching. In a world of nearly
500 fantastic creatures, there are bound to be at least a few duds. Trainers
don’t have to look very hard to discern between awesome allies and total turds,
for annoyingly tall patches of grass reveal essential truths that separate the
Pidgeys from the Pikachus. Evolution, after all, is the law of the land across
the Pok?verse. When only the strong can survive to be taught the power that’s
inside, sadly, the following Pok?mon are fainters.
10) Voltorb
9) Tauros
8) Kakuna
Pok?mon are creatures largely dependent on their cuteness for survival. Like all domesticated animals, becoming a pet is a sure way to prosper. That’s why the less than cute Kakuna takes the heat for wasting everyone’s time learning how to harden while its cocooning cohort Metapod basks in popularity. When Kakuna takes the evolution plunge, it looks like a member of Marvel Comics’ AIM terrorist organization and eventually turns into a wasp. Metaphod, however, takes the form of a cuddly, unripened banana and hatches out a butterfly. Since fickle picnickers determine which bugs live or die, Kakuna should rethink its appearance.
7) Milktank
6) Combee
Combee is one pitiful bastard. As doomed worker drones in their hive society, the smiling, three-faced oafs exists purely to collect honey and build hives from their own bodies. With only two of the weakest Pok?mon moves at its disposal (including the perfumatory “Sweet Scent”) the male Combee must content itself with its miserable fate as only the female of the species evolve into the useful Vespiquen. Perhaps the most depressing aspect of the Combee’s existence is that they don’t even seem to make their own honey, rather they collect it from trainers. If there’s such a thing as evolutionary justice, when the Combee starts to go missing, trainer’s will know it isn’t global warming that’s killing them, it’s the collective disgust of players everywhere.
5) Ditto
Here’s Ditto in a nutshell. It’s a purple (or pink) little dude who transforms into imperfect copies of its foes in an attempt to “fight fire with fire.” Given that the rock-paper-scissors mechanics of Pok?mon battles (water types beat fire types, fire types beat grass types, etc.), Ditto’s imitation skills don’t give it much of a strategic advantage, especially when it’s defenses don’t increase to match those of its opponents. That makes Ditto and its transforming powers a novelty at best, and novelties are only valuable in gift shops. Is Ditto in a gift shop? No, it’s in the jungle baby, and if it doesn’t develop some chutzpah quick, it’s gonna die.
3) Unown
2) Luvdisc
By this point in the list, many readers are probably wondering, “Where’s Magikarp? All he can do is splash around. Surely it made the list!” While those are all good points, ultimately Magikarp escapes condemnation for its hugely rewarding evolution into an angry dragon. That’s what evolution is all about, right? Plus, there’s a ton of Magikarp, meaning they breed successfully. That’s where Luvdisc comes in. Luvdisc is what Magikarp would be if, instead of growing up to be a badass, it devolved into a shy Japanese schoolgirl with a body shaped like a bad Valentine’s Day card. Nobody wants that in their cache of battling monsters. Nobody.
1) Mr. Mime
Part clown, part Jigsaw Killer from the Saw films, part Pok?mon; Mr. Mime is a recipe for gross contempt and assured Darwinian extinction.