Cartoons, Movies

Marlon Wayans Joins ‘G.I. Joe’ Movie, Cobra Victorious


wayans_marlon.jpg Marlon Wayans, star of cinematic masterpieces such as Little Man and White Chicks, has officially joined the cast of the upcoming G.I. Joe movie (according to Variety), thanks to an insidious but needlessly convoluted plot by the evil terrorist organization Cobra. Wayans will play Ripcord, who as 3 and 3/4-inch toy, was a white parachutist (which seems racist, although it isn’t…I guess it just sounds like white supremacist). In a statement released earlier today, Cobra commander Cobra Commander said, “C’mon! He’sss a Wayansss! There’s no way this Joe movie doesn’t sssuck eggsss!”

Anyways, Wayans joins fellow Joes Ray Park (Darth Maul) as the silent Snake Eyes, Rachel Nichols (Alias) as Scarlett, Said Taghmaoui (The Kite Runner) as Breaker and Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Lost‘s Mr. Eko) as Heavy Duty. So far, the only Cobra agent known is Sienna Miller as the Baroness, which is fine because the Baroness is the character the boys of the ’80s remember most, as she made us all want to be sexually dominated by black-haired, leather-clad women with thick Slavic accents. ? Rob

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Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.