If 7 Metal Bands from the ?80s were Presidential Administrations

By John Frusciante

Oh, ?80s metal bands. We love them, and we continue to play their albums: some of us in secret, some of us as an ironic gesture, and some of us at full volume during the car ride to the shore. Now, presidents?those we?re not as impressed by, to say the least. This got us thinking?what if entire bands could be become Presidential administrations? What would their terms be like? Wouldn?t this be timely to post on President?s Day? Topless Robot explores the issues.

1) Metallica

President James Hetfield would pursue an aggressive, ear-shredding agenda against our enemies after almost being killed during a pyrotechnics mishap. Veterans would not be left to lay in bed banging out ?S.O.S.? with their lobotomized heads. In their second term, they would become a lame-duck administration after Sissygate, when the records of the band?s therapeutic sessions are made public, and Vice President Lars Ulrich?s attack on music piracy is met with voter disapproval. First Lady Lita Ford would start literacy initiatives.

2) Def Leppard

Soon after winning by convincing voters that rival Megadeth was too reminiscent of the Metallica Administration, tragedy would occur. Just as they were reaching their peak, Secretary of State Rick Allen would lose his arm driving home from the Annual Press Corp Dinner and Coke Party. He would soon return, however, after learning how to negotiate with foreign nations by using his feet. The nation would experience an economic windfall from increased sugar exports, which would be poured primarily on the middle and lower classes. First Lady Lita Ford would help fight homelessness.

3) Twisted Sister

Taxes would be raised to pay for the amount of hair spray needed to restore America?s hair to what President Dee Snyder would call its ?peak volume.? Under a proposed ?Students? Bill of Rights,? teenagers would have the right to demand that their teachers drop and give them twenty. Tariffs on the importing and exporting of spandex would be lifted. First Lady Lita Ford would start literacy initiatives for the homeless.

4) Poison

This would mark the beginning of strained relations with foreign nation The Scorpions, as Vice President C.C. DeVille turned out to be an aggressive counterpart to President Bret Michaels? ?don?t want nothing but a good time for America? attitude. Secretary of State Rikki Rockett would eventually broker a deal between the bands at the Brett Michaels Presidential Library and Strip Club. First Lady Lita Ford would help increase AIDS awareness.

5) Motley Crue

President Tommy Lee would start women?s initiatives for all women willing to come to the White House and discuss them in person (with videotapes of the ?discussion? available afterwards). Vice President Mick Mars would offer tax breaks to doctors who helped patients ?feel good.? The national ?Party Alert? would be set to ?orange? at all times, calling into question its effectiveness. First Lady Lita Ford would fight to legitimize mud wrestling.

6) Stryper

Convinced that eight years of the Motley Crue administration had led to moral decline, Stryper would pursue a right-wing Christian agenda. How they won the election would be as inexplicable as them being considered a great metal band. First Lady Lita Ford would be sent to a nunnery.

7) Guns N Roses

The decade of political dominance by metal bands would end with the era?s strongest administration. However, relations with the nation would be strained by President Axl Rose?s repeatedly showing up three hours late for the State of the Union Address. Later, President Rose would fire all members of his cabinet, replace them with less-interesting politicians, and spend over ten years working on one piece of legislation which most people believe will never get passed. First Lady Lita Ford would die from mysterious circumstances.