By Jesse Thompson
Love can be wonderful, it can be beautiful, it can be magic and bliss. But it can also be really gross. Don?t believe us? All you have to do is turn to the movies for clear proof. We believe we?ve found the 10 most foul lip-locks in cinematic history. Sure, some are meant to be sexy, some are meant to emit chuckles, and some are supposed to be, well, gross, but all of ?em have one thing in common: They?ve driven generations of Cupids to early retirement. Snag a barf bag and take a ride on this love roller coaster, if you dare.
10) Alec Baldwin and an old man in Prelude to a Kiss
It?s always been obvious that Alec Baldwin?s had certain, shall we say, ?leanings.? After all, the guy memorably made out with Phil Hartman (in the classic ?Greenhilly? SNL sketch), rubbed his chest hair on Adam Sandler?s Canteen Boy, and made some pretty overt advances to Ben Stiller?s Along Came Polly character. But it was this 1992 rom-com (short for romantic-?Come on, this is supposed to be funny??) where Baldwin pushed the limits of good taste. The scene in which he locks lips with a weird old dude?whose body houses Meg Ryan?s spirit, or some such tripe?was like a horrifying outtake from Metallica?s ?Enter Sandman? video.
9) Jason Schwartzman and Natalie Portman in Hotel Chevalier
[Warning: Video contains Portman buttocks.] These two aren?t unattractive people, per se. But watching a greasy, mustachioed Schwartzman and a greyhound-resembling Portman (seriously, check out those ribs when she?s nekkid; eat a burrito, woman!) sloppily swapping spit like a couple of seventh graders is about as sexy as Owen Wilson?s heavily bandaged older brother make an itinerary later on in The Darjeeling Limited. Were their tongues miked? From the lip-smacking, it sounds like it. After the Star Wars prequels, we never thought we?d want more dialogue and less love-making from Portman … wrong-o.
8) Jack Nicholson and a corpse in The Shining
Trust me, if I was locked up a freaky-ass mansion with a whiney string-bean of a wife like Shelley Duvall, I?d be smooching complete strangers in the bathtub, too. But Jack Torrance?s ?Oh, shit yes!? moment quickly turns into ?Oh Kubrick, you dick!? when he discovers, thanks to convenient positioning of a mirror, that he?s getting hot and heavy with a festering dead chick. He would?ve been better off playing spin the bottle with that bartender ghost. FYI, this is the real reason Stephen King hates the flick.
7) Don Knotts and an orangutan in Cannonball Run II
The producers of the race-themed sequel (since there were so many unanswered questions from the first film) apparently couldn?t afford the orangutan who memorably punched bikers on Clint Eastwood?s behalf a few years earlier, so they settled for ?Clyde Lite.? Worse, they partnered him with Tony Danza and Mel Tillis as a faux chauffeur (?fauxfeur??). But the biggest travesty occurred when multiple Emmy winner and beloved TV icon Don Knotts got the full mouth-to-mouth treatment from the ape. Judging from this clip, director Hal Needham didn?t tell him it was coming. At least Don?s hairpiece remained unfrazzled.
6) Natasha Henstridge and Unnamed Sleazeball in Species
Ben Kingsley and his crew weren?t ready for this sexy beast. After the alien known as Sil rapidly matures into a supermodel, she is ready to GIT IT ONNNN. And it?s not too hard to find someone to copulate with after you walk into a bar and take off your top. (After a rudimentary killing of a slut who steals your first pick, of course.) Dirtbag McGreaseball thinks he?s won the lady lottery; too bad that his thanks for taking this hottie to his place for some casual sex (hey, at least he has the courtesy to shower first) is a tongue through the back of the skull.
5) Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment
In 1983, Connery left audiences squirming as his droopy-skinned 007 smooched Kim Basinger in Never Say Never Again. Sixteen years later, he hobbled back onto movie screens with a nubile young actress, this time the future Mrs. Michael Douglas. While most blessedly remember this caper flick for the extended scene in which Zeta-Jones navigates her way through an array of alarm lasers (complete with an endless amount of gratuitous ass shots), there was enough fabricated sizzle for the then 68-year-old Connery to lay one on his 30-year-old co-star. Afterwards, he realizes it was a mistake; why couldn?t the director have done the same?
4) Eddie Murphy and Eddie Murphy in Nutty Professor II: The Klumps
By the time Murphy got around to making this gross-out ?family comedy? sequel in 2000, the notion of the once-gifted funnyman donning fat suits again was already played out. Lewd sex acts involving giant hamsters didn?t help matters. But Klumps truly krossed the krass line in the scene in which ?Granny? Jensen?played by Murphy?sheds her mothball-smelling attire completely and attempts to seduce Buddy Love, also played by Murphy, by sticking her sickening tongue in his mouth. Yes, the character who at one point was her own grandson. The only thing that would?ve made this creepier is if the audience were forced to endure Charlie Murphy-on-Murphy action.
3) Jeffrey Jones and Lea Thompson in Howard the Duck
Call this one ?the gross-out kiss that almost was, but thank the dear sweet Lord wasn?t.? When a puke-complexioned Dr. Jennings?possessed by an alien called the Dark Overlord who isn?t George Lucas?realizes he?s running out of power after kidnapping Howard the Duck?s pseudo-squeeze Beverly, he growls, ?I need your body.? Next thing you know, he?s lolling a tentacle-like tongue that?s inching its way towards poor Bev?s nether regions. But before things veer into hentai territory, D.O. goes for the pickup truck?s lighter socket instead.
2) Drew Barrymore and Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy
Drew Barrymore Stripping – Free videos are just a click away
[WARNING: Contains graphic scenes of Tom Skerrit pawing at Drew Barrymore’s breasts. And it’s really gross.] At least all of Connery?s co-stars were of age when he made his move; the same can?t be said for this up-all-night cable shocker. Apparently Poison Ivy received a theatrical release (who knew?), but most of us probably caught it on HBO long after the folks had hit the hay. And Lord knows they wouldn?t have approved of Old Man Skerritt GETTING IT ON ON THE HOOD OF HIS MERCEDES with cutie-pie Drew, who was all of 16 when she filmed this! We all know Drew grew up fast, what with the E.T. and the stardom and the drugs and the ?cursed? family, but the multiple kisses?and freaky-deaky sex scenes?with a pushing-60 Skerritt have me hitting the brakes?and changing the channel.
1) Christopher Walken and Miranda Richardson in Sleepy Hollow
Tim Burton?s given us some pretty grisly sights?Sweeney Todd?s throat slittings, Danny DeVito as the Penguin, even Marky Mark kissing a monkey chick (honorable mention on this list)?but it was the wet one that the Now-Headed Horseman plants on Lady Van Tassel at the end of this adaptation of Washington ?I also wrote Rip Van Winkle, bitches? Irving?s story that earns top honors. First, there?s Walken?s teeth?black, sickly and corroded like any reputable dead dude?s should be. Second, in the midst of smooching his newfound love, he makes the lady?s mouth bleed. Yeah, ew. Last, when she pulls away, her mouth is a bloody, shredded mess! She was an evil bitch and all that, but sheesh, guys. Now I need to clear my head and watch Frankenweenie.