Fan Fiction Friday: Eric Idle and Michael Palin in “Sex, Drugs and Sudden, Violent Comedy”

If the internet were somehow made of paper, I promise you would see this post stained with large tears, the ink running down the page as I cry quietly, broken and miserable after seeing what evil is possible in the world. Yes, the post title does not lie?this story from author Nyssa is not about any of Eric Idle or Michael Palin’s Monty Python characters, but the two comedians themselves.

Author’s note: This story is set in April 1976, during Monty Python’s three-week stint at New York’s City Center theater. It could be considered an AU, as there is no mention of wives.

Yes, because they did not bring their wives to a 1976 performance, it is entirely possible they had hot, throbbing gay sex. My wife isn’t currently in the room while I type this, so I suppose I might be having hot gay sex as well. Anyways, after the show Palin drags a drunk and sexual assault-happy Idle to their hotel room:

He captured Mike?s mouth with his own, slipped a hand into Mike’s trouser front, and Mike?s brain began to hum with the effects of this new intoxicant. Eric was an unpredictable, drunken bastard — at least at the moment — but Mike loved him. And he felt so bloody wonderful, Mike wanted to pull him down to the floor and have him right now. The fifteen feet or so between them and the bed seemed suddenly a mile.

Palin, being a gentleman, does not press the matter further. Unfortunately, that’s not the end, as the two end up having a long talk about love, and then hot gay sex. I want to show you two more snippits, then I really can’t bear any more.

Agonizingly, Eric released him, using both hands to still Mike?s thrashing hips. ?Steady, steady,? he whispered, in a teasing, if breathless, tone. ?That?s just what I mean. Fucking desperate. How d?you think that makes me feel? Being solely responsible for your, erm, sexual sanity. How long do you think I can handle all this on my own? I?m not very good with responsibility, you know that.?

And:

He started to rise, but Eric shot out a hand and gripped his arm. Mike jerked free and stood, and Eric spoke in his pepperpot falsetto. ?Oooh. ?His strength is as the strength of ten because his heart is pure.?? Mike ignored the Galahad reference.

I don’t know why, but the Pythons making Monty Python references to each other like a couple of goddamn high school nerds offends me so much more than the idea of Eric Idle fucking Michael Palin up the ass (which happens). Frankly, I feel violated myself. I’m off to have a long, hot shower, and cry for awhile.