By Jackson Alpern
There?s no reason this site is called Topless Robot. I daresay the L.A. Weekly brass were trying to figure out a search term to lure in unsuspecting geeks, but the sad fact of the matter is that, for all its rich chocolately dork content, there are scant few robots here and even fewer topless ones. Well, that just didn?t sit well with me.
To rectify the situation, we hereby present this list of the 10 sexiest robots in pop culture. In the interest of fairness, both man-bots and fem-bots are both represented and, yes, several of them are topless (though not on this page). Finally, the promise of the site is fulfilled.
10) Pris from Blade Runner
Ah, Pris. What are we going to do with you? We know you?re sexy. You?re Darryl friggin? Hannah, the second sexiest Darryl in the world (after Hall). If we were making a list of the 10 sexiest mermaids, you?d be right up there.
But Pris is a bit of a conundrum. She?s got the Hannah factor, there?s the fact that she?s a pleasure-bot?even those gymnastics she does are kind of sexy in a ?stay the hell away from her feet or she?ll kill you? way. But then there?s that look. It?s like a member of the cast of Cats made out with a linebacker and their makeup got all mingled together. It?s not, to put in mildly, a good look.
Nevertheless, for all her other assets, we?ll put Pris on the list. We suppose we could have made this a group write-up for all the replicants, but neither the chick with the snake nor Rutger Hauer is particularly sexy. However, if they ever conclusively prove that Decker is a replicant then go ahead and promote the whole lot of ?em. Harrison Ford is our man-crush.
9) Maria the Gynoid from Metropolis
The original sexy robot from the 1927 movie Metropolis, the?wait a second. What?s that name again? Well, you see ?andro? means man, so technically you can?t call a female robot an android. But still, ?Gynoid?? It sounds like it should be the name for the medical droid who delivered Luke and Leia in Episode III. Women should fear going to the gynoid like men fear visiting the proctolodroid. And now that I?ve typed that out, I realize that ?proctolodroid? is an anagram of ?Protocol Droid,? which explains a lot about C-3PO.
So the name definitely knocks her down a point or two. Then she gets points for being the OG sexy robot, then she loses more points for being in a moody German expressionist allegory about workers and the proletariat and all that crap. Then we?re really bad at math, so we?ll just say she comes in ninth.
8) The Vision from The Avengers
This one?s?for the ladies. Created by the evil and unsexy robot Ultron to destroy the Avengers, the android Vision instead ended up becoming one of their greatest heroes. And totally doing one of their members. Yes, we don?t need to guess whether or not Vision is sexy, because he charmed his way into the Scarlet Witch?s scarlet tights. They even got married and had two magical pretend babies. But that?s beside the point.
The point is that the Vision is one hunk of cyber-man cyber-meat, and his skin-tight costume shows it all off. Sure, a more fashion-conscious woman might not be able to stand the clashing red-green-yellow color scheme, but the Scarlet Witch is half-nuts anyway so it probably didn?t bother her. Now, granted, we could have given this slot to D.C.?s similar android character the Red Tornado, who is also sexy enough to have convinced a human woman to marry him, but it all comes down to powers. Red Tornado has wind-based powers, whereas Vision can change his matter to be completely intangible or ?hard as diamond.? We bet he doesn?t get a lot of spam emails offering to help him out in the bedroom.
7) Vanessa Kensington from Austin Powers 2
Sure, we could have said the Fem-Bots from the original film, but the beehive hairdos and Nancy Sinatra stylings just don?t do it for us. But a robot who can convincingly replicate a British supermodel? Now that?s a product you could market!
You see, sometime during or prior to the first film, Dr. Evil?s forces replaced Vanessa with an advanced-model Fem-Bot, designed to eliminate Austin Powers after he had already defeated Dr. Evil. For some reason. Oh, that?s right, it?s a convenient plot device to introduce a new leading lady in the sequel. Nevertheless, it gives us the indelible image of a Hurley in a leather catsuit who is also a robot. It?s enough to turn an otherwise hetero guy into a robosexual.
Incidentally, Vanessa Kensington does appears topless, though her naughty bits are covered by teacups. How very British.
6) Diana A from Mazinger Z
There are a lot of important differences that set Diana here apart from the other robo-ladies on this list. She?s the only giant robot here, for instance, a subset of robot-kind better known for their monster-fighting prowess than their sexiness. (In fact, Diana is a later version of a robot named Aphrodite A, who was a lot less sexy because she didn?t have a mouth.) She?s also the only robot on here that?s actually piloted by a human female, who sits in her head. And finally, and perhaps most importantly, she?s the only robot here who can shoot her tits at you. No, not shoot bullets out of her boobs like the Fem-Bots. The whole fucking things.
You see, Diana isn?t an artificial human like a Replicant, she?s a big goddamn machine. She?s basically like a tank with a size 24 waist. (24 feet, of course). So what appear to be her mammary glands are actually giant missiles, and Diana can shoot them at enemies, making her the only truly topless robot on this entire list. And if that isn?t sexy, then we don?t have a fetish for giant metal women who could crush us by sitting on us. And we do.
5) Gigolo Joe from A.I.
Jude Law?s a good-looking man. We?re confident enough to admit it. He?s prettier than a lot of big-name actresses these days. If we were women, we?d want there to be a robot that looked like Jude Law that we could pay to have sex with.
As luck would have it, there is such a thing! Law played a robot named Gigolo Joe in the Spielberg movie called A.I., about a little boy whose love is real, even if he is not. Unfortunately, we just made, like, three FBI watch lists for using the words ?sex? ?love? and ?little boy? in the same vicinity. Let?s move along.
4) Lucy Liu-bot from Futurama
In the 31st Century, having sex with robots is perfectly normal and socially acceptable, even though the reptilian Space Pope would have you believe otherwise. (I should take this moment to point out that if you haven?t watched Futurama, you should really go buy the DVDs.) You can even download your favorite celebrity and load their personality (based on their top-grossing motion pictures) onto a robot, which is exactly what Phillip J. Fry did with his celebrity crush, Lucy Liu.
The sexiest thing about the Lucy Liu-bot isn?t the glowing purple tinge her solid-light hologram gives off, or even her Lucy Liu-ness. It?s the fact that she?s programmed to fawn lovingly over even a total doofus like Fry. Witness the following exchange:
Admit it, for that level of adoration you?d download your own Liu-bot. Or any other Ally McBeal cast member, for that matter. Even Peter MacNicol.
3) Cameron from Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles
Terminators are sent from the future with only two purposes?to kill (or protect) and to be totally sexy. Whether you prefer your robots Teutonic and muscle-bound (Arnold), slim but smoldering (Robert Patrick), or blonde bombshells (Kristianna Loken), there?s a Terminator for you. But since you?re reading this list it probably means that you?re a geek, and since you?re a geek, you?re probably hot for Summer Glau. Which means that Cameron is your top choice for Terminators.
Cameron?s got a lot going for her. There are those graceful yet deadly fighting moves, plus the fact that she?s emotionless so she won?t start bugging you about sharing your feelings. And topless? Brother, that?s kid?s stuff. In order to travel through time, Cameron, like all Terminators, had to be totally nude. We?d rename the site Bottomless Robot in her honor, but it sounds like some kind of weird, delicious Japanese buffet.
Plus, unlike Loken, there?s a girl next door quality to Cameron. She seems like the kind of killer robot you could bring home to mom, or even settle down with. Sure, you could never own a dog, but it?s a small price to pay.
2) Buffyboy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
If you were a mad scientist who could build convincingly lifelike robots of hottie cheerleader/vampire killers, why would you even bother leaving the house? Buffy badguy Warren did, and then he went and gave it to Spike for some friggin? reason. Dude, once you build a Buffybot, whatever world domination plans you had can be put on hold. Just lock yourself inside for a few days and?get to know each other.
Much like the aforementioned Liu-bot, the Buffybot can be programmed to love you unconditionally. Also like the aforementioned Liu-bot, it can be programmed to kill vampires. In fact, the only thing giving the Buffybot an edge over the Liubot is that the Buffybot didn?t appear in Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever. God forbid you?re making out with the Liu-bot and that movie pops into your mind. You?ll never be able to get physically aroused again.
1) Number Six from Battlestar Galactica (the new one)
Classic Cylons aren?t really sexy, except in the way that a new kitchen with all chrome fixtures is kind of sexy?you wouldn?t want to have sex with it, no matter how hard up you were. The humanoid Cylons from the new series, however, are all fairly smolderingly sexy. If you can get past the whole ?spines light up red when they?re doing it? thing (topless! ?from the back at any rate), you?ll find all of them good to go, especially if you have information that could help them wipe out humanity.
And unless you have an Asian fetish (and I know many of you do), you?d have to admit that Number Six is, as the French say, Le Gran Sexee of the Cylons. Lesbian relationships with that lady from Star Trek, three-ways with Xena, Warrior Princess?this robo-chick has done it all. The only downside is that if you and Six break up, you?re bound to see her everywhere you go. There are only six Cylon models who make up most of Cylon society, so every third person you see will either look like your ex-girlfriend or Dean Stockwell. I can?t decide which is worse.