Your E3 Videogame Trailer Quickie but Hypercritical Assessment

I got tired of posting all the E3 news separately, so here’s a quick rundown of everything you probably care about.

? Wolfenstein

I honestly have no idea what’s going on in the above clip, but daddy always loves to kill hisself some Nazis.

? Prince of Persia
Um, doesn’t the fact that the girl has to help you perform all your moves make the Prince just slightly less cool? At least the Prince is no longer dressing like a member of Sevendust.

? Spider-man: Web of Shadows
Looks shockingly terrible, although Spidey’s manages to switch into his black suit for some reason during combat, which is somewhat intriguing.

? Sonic Unleashed
For the first 1:30 of this trailer, it’s all gameplay footage of Sonic just running, and you think, for one foolish minute, that Sega’s going to finally make a decent Sonic game again. Then Sonic TURNS INTO A GODDAMN WEREWOLF AND IT TURNS INTO A BRAWLER. Holy shit. Also, be sure to hit mute before watching the clip, because the music is ear-meltingly lame.

? Left 4 Dead
A zombie game where you play online with friends and simply try to get the hell out of town…but when you get caught, it’s your turn to eat the brains of your fellow players. I could not be looking forward to this more.

? Golden Axe: Beast Rider

Far more boring than a game where you can dismember minotaurs should be.

? Madworld
Remember this preposterously violent black n’ white game for the Wii? Probably not. Suffice to say, you can ram roadsigns through people’s brains, and then kick them into walls of spikes. Not bad.