?Your swords, please,? said Count Dooku, walking toward Anakin and Obi-Wan. ?You don?t want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor.?
?You will NEVER have our swords, Dooku,? said Obi-Wan, his sweaty hand tightening on his lightsaber.
?Really?? said Count Dooku, sounding disappointed. ?Well, I could live without yours, Master Kenobi, but I would really like to hold Anakin?s lightsaber in my hands.?
?Ugh,? Anakin said indistinctly.
?I mean, it?s so long and hard, you know,? Dooku went on.
And thus begins this alternate retelling of the climactic battle between Anakin, Dooku and Obi-Wan at the beginning of Revenge of the Sith. Author Walter the Wizard takes this scene, and really fills in the cracks of the characterization that Lucas left behind. You know, I don’t think I can add anything to the story, so I’m just going to let the clips roll.
?Gentlemen, have you by any chance noticed the sexual innuendo surrounding our battle?? asked Dooku.
?Ugh,? Anakin said again.
?NO, WE HAVEN?T!? cried Obi-Wan, wiping sweat from his forehead. ?Come on, Anakin, let?s finish him!?
The two Jedi ran at Count Dooku, and for about ten seconds they fought. Although Obi-Wan and Anakin were slashing at Dooku from two directions, they couldn?t seem to hit him at all. ?It?s one of the two,? thought Obi-Wan, ?either Dooku is damned fast, or we are really crappy swordsmen.?
?I?ve been looking forward to this,? said Count Dooku when there was a pause in the fight. ?By the way, nice butt, Anakin. I noticed it the last time, but forgot to tell you.?
?Please, Count, must you really be so obscene?? said Obi-Wan in exasperation; at the same time, he could not help stealing a glance at Anakin?s butt. Dooku was right: the butt was superb. Of course, Obi-Wan should not have been thinking about that; but he was.
The magic continues after the jump!
They fought again. Count Dooku not only parried all their attacks, but even managed to slap Anakin?s ass when the young Jedi had turned his back to him in a very fancy, if utterly useless move.
?Gentlemen, I?m getting tired of this,? declared Dooku. ?You?re just waving your lightsabers around, instead of sticking them somewhere.?
Again, unbidden images rose in Obi-Wan?s mind. More to distract himself than anything else, he resumed his attack on Count Dooku, and Anakin joined him.
But it seemed that Count Dooku had really grown tired. Neither Anakin nor Obi-Wan knew how exactly it had happened, but suddenly they were both holding smouldering metallic stumps in their hands. Count Dooku had somehow managed to cut the handles of their lightsabers in two.
?Shit,? thought Anakin, Obi-Wan and Palpatine at once.
?That?s better,? said Count Dooku, turning off his lightsaber. ?Well, now that we?re all warmed up, why don?t we get stripped and fuck like crazy womprats??
Homework assignment: use the phrase “Why don?t we get stripped and fuck like crazy womprats?? at least once this weekend.
?Say, that sounds like a good idea,? Anakin said suddenly.
?WHAT?? cried Obi-Wan, turning on him.
?I mean, it?s better than hacking each other into pieces, right?? said Anakin. ?Besides, Master, to be completely frank, I?ve always wanted to try a couple of things with you??
?That?s two votes against one, Master Kenobi,? said Dooku. ?According to the democratic principles that you so strongly adore, we win, and you must succumb to our decision.?
Obi-Wan was going to say something else when he felt Anakin?s hand cup his?sensitive area, making all thought vanish.
?Hey, you?re harder than a lightsaber, Master,? said Anakin with a grin. ?Not quite the impeccable Jedi we pretend to be, are we??
?Stop! What are you doing?!? shouted Palpatine, but Dooku, Anakin and Obi-Wan paid no attention to him. They were busy ripping each other?s clothes. Soon Palpatine was witnessing the hottest threesome scene in his life, and he couldn?t even jerk off because his hands were being held by shackles.
And it served him right.
This is actually about 90% of the story, which you can read here. With its clear moral, scintillating dialogue and pitch-perfect characterization, I wouldn’t be suprised to find out Walter the Wizard is George Lucas himself.
I’m never getting invited to Skywalker Ranch, am I?