By Brian Heiler
There’s an obesity epidemic in this country. People are fat. Children are fat. And worst of all, even our action figures are falling into a state most doctors terms “fat as fuck” (although they usually just say “obese” in front of the public. Fat action figures have a harder time than regular fat people; the term ?action figure? paints a picture of a Spartan physique ready for displays of physically impossible athleticism which these lard-os can’t hope to attain. So let us pity?and yet, celebrate?these big-boned heroes of plastic with this list.
10) Mr. Myxzptlk
Praise ’70s toy manufacturer Mego for creating the first action figure with a gut when they produced this chubby body; sure, it looked more natural on villains like the Penguin, but it worked out reasonable well for Mr. Myxzptlk, despite the fact he was only supposed to be half Superman’s size. Incidentally, this body went on to be used to portray such portly characters as Friar Tuck, Grandpa Walton and Boss Hogg, making it the enabler of many a fat-assed action figure. It should come as no surprise that these are usually the easiest and cheapest figures to find on the secondary market.
Every five-man heroic group needs their fat guy, and G-Force?better known as Gatchaman?is no exception, while it may be argued that he?s big boned. Much of his relaxing time on the series showed him eating space burger after space burger coming from a space burger machine with a seemingly endless supply. Admittedly, if we had proximity to a burger vending machine, we’d e eating there constantly too.
Just about every Marvel comics fan will tell you that this character is not fat but a huge pile of muscle. Sorry, but muscles don’t work that way. That’s why bodybuilders looks like bodybuilders, and the Kingpin looks like Boss Hogg after a Shoney’s breakfast buffet. He may be strong, but those muscle are all securely layered in fat, which makes him harder to hurt anyways.
7) Big Boss
The main villain of COPS took the “big” part of his name to heart. You can?t have a bad Edward G. Robinson impersonation coming out of a skinny guy, anyways. The robot hand was genius.
6) Jabba the Hutt
Marvel’s Star Wars comics for years had portrayed Han Solo?s archenemy as a skinny guy, so when Return of the Jedi finally premiered, it left a lot of Star Wars fans thinking that Jabba had really let himself go (and had amputated his legs). Still, Jabba?s a big fat slob and he doesn?t care, and he still gets hot girls…even if he has to chain them up above a rancor pit.
5) Comic Book Guy
Jeff Albertson?better known as the Comic Book Guy?went from being a one joke character to having full blown written episodes about him. It can be debated on message boards until the end of time whether or not that?s a good thing, but there are two facts that aren’t in questions: 1) we were happy when Playmates gave us a figure of the most accurate stereotype in history, and 2) he’s a lard-ass. Frankly, all of us nerds are far closer to his stereotype than we’d like to believe.
4) Jek Porkins
If you want a look into how strange George Lucas has become, just look at the name he dubbed the heretofore unnamed heavy set rebel pilot from the first Stars Wars film. I mean really?Porkins, George? Was ?Fatty Fat Fat Fat? not subtle enough?
3) The Blob
Not exactly a star X-Men villain, but at least a guy who uses what he?s got, the Blob is a big jerk that you can?t get rid of. He?s morbidly obese man in a leotard who talks a lot of trash, which is something you can’t take away from him (much like a spoonful of peanut butter). Now that he’s going to be in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, expect his price per pound to go up considerably.
2) Fat Bastard
With one tour de force performance, Mike Meyers has made it as difficult for those who happen to be obese and Scottish, much as Lucky Charms has made it hard for midgets of the Irish persuasion. We feel for you, all you fat bastards of the world.
1) Baron Harkonnen
The character responsible for the sole laugh in the somewhat dreary David Lynch 1984 adaptation of Frank Herbert?s novel, Harkonnen was a morbidly obese, boil-covered creep who drank human blood (like you do). LJN soon discovered that his action figure wasn?t going to be the next Darth Vader, when his fat ass hung around toy shelves for the next two years.