Konami hates you so much. They wish you ill, and they are willing to spend a great deal of time and (well, a little) money in order to make you miserable. This is the only possible reason the 3-D Castlevania Judgment fighting game exists?which also apparently came out yesterday for the Wii, to zero fanfare?but it can’t possibly be intended to be fun. Sure, you have a few Castlevania characters of interest like Simon, Alucard and Sylpha, but then there’s also some little girl who likes animals, a fightin’ nun, a vampiric prostitute clearly trying to replicate Soul Calibur‘s Ivy’s decolletage, some big stupid golem thing, and more you care about even less. Then the combat looks bland, mostly thanks to the shockingly dull environments, which are all flat and square, and look like they were made for a late-gen PS1 game.
If you don’t think Konami hates you, think about this?Konami spent time and money making this shitpile no one wanted when they could have been making the next-gen, 2-D Castlevania game everyone wants. That is hate, pure and simple.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.