Fan Fiction Friday: The Esnovelotoris Amateuris

Oh, I have something very special for you today. I’m not really going to be able to do just to it in FFF; you’re really going to have to read ALL 15 CHAPTERS in order to truly understand its magnificence. Hell, the first chapter is just the Table of Contents:



General Terminology
Starting up & Caring for Snarves
Notes on Black Boxes
Notes on Language

The Snarf in Season
Female Snarves
Male Snarves
Prelude to Breeding
Natural Breeding Statistics
Notes on Over Population

AI and Eligible Snarves
The Two Methods of AI
The Prop-Bitch
Manual Stimulation

APPENDIX A Manual Stimulation Methods
APPENDIX B Statistical AI
APPENDIX C External Sources
USLO Fact Sheet

You catch that? Yes, The Esnovelotoris Amateuris is “the first and only manual for the breeding of snarves.”
Hit the jump, Wilykits and Wilykats.

From the intro:

In the beginning, snoveling was a practice preformed only by those dedicated to the love
or admiration of the art and not by those inclined on gain or profit. It was — and will always be –dominated by the amateur. Indeed, the advent of the professional snovelor was and continues to be a very recent and possibly transient phenomenon, fueled by the exponential increase in galactic-wide consumption for snarf-related products. It is, therefore, a terribly unfortunate arrogant point of view that many hold to claim and question the need and use for the amateur in today’s world.

Is the amateur needed?

The answer, of course, is YES.

From the manual itself:

Bitches come into heat once a month according to a well-established thirty-one day cycle. The week of ovulation is indicated by noticeable mood changes characterized by: loss or gain of appetite, harshness and irritability, late-night or pre-morning yowls or both and sudden and unsanitary fascination with their excrement. They tend to smear their bodies with their feces or fling it to other bitches or to the snovelor.


Normally, penises are pea-sized masses of deep-red flesh that are hidden under special folds of skin called ‘hookers.’ Hookers are located in the second horizontal line on the tail just under the anus. Sexually mature snarves have whiskers around their meatuses — they, unlike the clitori villi, are actual hairs and their falling-off signal an absolute loss of fertility. Neither scrotal nor similar-type sac structures are present in snarves; testicles are internal. Testicles are located above the anus and can be felt with the application of gentle pressure about that region.


A breeding bitch in heat must be removed from its cage and taken to the breeding chamber with a wrap over its eyes called a ‘blinder.’ It has the effect of a sedative and is useful to keep the bitch form hurting or injuring itself. At the breeding chamber the bitch is covered in a protective sheath called a ‘hoser.’ Constructed from three rubber-nylon dresses, it is expandable to fit many sizes and is attached with Velcro.


Using the leash, the snarf is directed to mount the bitch by slowly and gently falling upon it. It is natural for the snarf to wrap its arms around the bitch’s neck and nudge its swollen tail and member over its mate’s portal. As soon as the whiskers make contact with the clitori villi, the snarf inserts its penis into the bitch and starts to thrust. An inexperienced snarf will tend to thrust furiously and comes to orgasm very quickly. Again, using the leash the snovelor can control the rate of thrusting and thereby teach the snarf to use more even and tempered strokes. Convulsions and yowls signal orgasm in the bitch. The ceasing of thrusting and the tightening of the body signals snarf orgasm. Penile contractions force the semen into the uterus and are visibly indicated by five to eight convulsive shudders.

GOD. And I’m not even getting into the nightmare that is the section on Artificial Insemination. AND THEN THERE’S ACTUAL FUCKING MATH FORMULAS FOR THE BIRTHING RATES AAAAAAAAAAAA.

Okay. I’m taking a deep breath. And then I’m going to cry, and give myself A SELF-LOBOTOMY WITH MY POWER DRILL. The entire manual, written by a hopefully incarcerated young soul named Abraxas, is here. And never say FFF didn’t teach you anything.