Movies, Toys

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly of the G.I. Joe Movie


A bunch of new live-action G.I. Joe movie posters were released yesterday, and because I’ve been accused of being a dour asshole with no capacity for joy (sorry, Mom) I thought I’d start by saying something positive. Here’s the Baroness poster:
Hey! It’s the Baroness! Looking like the Baroness! It’s focused mostly on her ass, but I can still see she’s wearing glasses — very nice. Now, for the bad:
This is Marlon Wayans as Ripcord in the film’s ridiculous armor. See, to me, this is the equivalent of making all the Transformers look so much alike in their first movie — these characters has some interesting, unique designs, but once you put Scarlett and Duke and god knows who else in the same faux-Batman body armor you lose all of that. Well, that, and you look like a shitty Batman knock-off. And for the ugly:
Yeah, Snake Eyes. From the top half he looks awesome, clearly the most authentic of all the characters. And then there’s the bottom half, WHERE HE IS CLEARLY WEARING SLACKS. This would be ridiculous enough even if his armor wasn’t apparently perfectly adhering to his body, complete with sculpted abs, but I can’t help but feel NINJAS DON’T SHOP AT MACY’S.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.